Once upon a time this website started out as my blog. A place where I would share personal writings about life, lessons & my experiences. The articles are still here, and I’m slowly resurrecting them, they may take some time to edit to the updated theme. Honestly I stopped writing & sharing when my heart …
You know when you wake up in the morning (feeling like P Diddy), and you’re present to some funk. Not the dance kind, but the energetic kind.
Sometimes you sit with it, sometimes you can move it.
In this video I share a little of my funk and remind you how you can simply ask it what it needs. Simple right? Ya – I thought so too.
Living in Bali is a common conversation topic had frequently amongst friends. We often share similar themes for living on this magical island of the gods.
There are however exceptions to these themes, as there are different pockets of people who live here. All of which will experience Bali in their own magical way. But these themes appear to be the generic topics I experience with my network.
Perhaps I’ll break it down;
1. You come to Bali to heal, for your own personal journey
It’s not called the island of the gods for nothing. There is a palpable energy here that is felt by all, and if you don’t consciously feel it, you will on a deeper subconscious level.
Ubud, Bali is an epicenter for healing. From Yoga, to Meditation, to Traditional Balinese Healers, Gong Sessions, Sound Therapy, Massage, Water Temples, Ecstatic Dance Parties, to sitting in silence at a silent retreat. Bali has an abundance of modalities to welcome all spiritual seekers back to their truth.
Whether we know this is why we are here or not, there is a reason why people come to Bali.
I personally believe that many of us are lost, working to find our way back home, the home within ourselves. We’ve lost connection with our land, our people, our tribe. Sure we call it backpacking or holidaying, I feel we are lost and trying to find our way home in some way. Bali facilitates that. With its wild nature, and beautiful heart-centered people, it shows us a simpler way of living. Bali brings us back to ourselves gently, or not so gently depending upon how you receive her guidance.
2. You are faced with your money issues, your families money issues and your generational money issues
Now this one I am speaking for myself and some of my friends who share the same story. This isn’t everyone’s truth and I’m aware that I don’t wish for this to become my truth, but it is mega interesting that many people struggle here.
For one, working here is illegal, so jobs are few, and working online can be limited. Many digital nomads set themselves up in co-working spaces. That’s one pocket of individuals I’m not tapped into. I did think I was going to go down this road, and 9 months ago signed up to an online Digital Marketing company. I was determined and positive that this was aligned to me and what I was bringing into the world, but as I got deeper and deeper into the online lessons, I learnt that it moved me further and further away from my values and what I wanted to bring to the world.
There are many layers of conditioning that I’ve needed to disassemble to teach me I can do the work I value in the world, and make money. This is a whole topic unto itself I could write a separate blog on.
I’ve had to learn to shift from a fear based way of living, into a heart centered. In the West we have our jobs, our 9-5, our salary and benefits. These are great and supportive and enable us to build the lives we have, BUT, are these jobs 100% the creation of ours souls desire? Chances are if you were to break it down, it likely wouldn’t be. You might find it to be the cultivation of your fears, driving you to the creation of the cushy supportive job that gives you the run off of stuff and things that makes you feel a certain way. This isn’t bad or wrong, it’s just conditioning. Until we begin to question, we only know what we only know.
I’ve had to face the harsh discomfort of having nothing. No money, no stuff, no things, peeling away all the layers of built up fear, face the underlying drivers behind why I’ve done what I’ve done, to build a new foundation to move into the world with. That shits not easy, and it’s not for everyone, but it’s something that my soul guided me to undergo.
I’m not bound by interest rates, home loans, expensive assets, expensive toys, rents and monthly internet, netflix or electricity bills. I’ve found freedom. I know I am but one person, not a family, but these money lessons have been the hugest to date.
I now see through the cracks of society and how it’s all one massive orchestrated control fest. Rats on a never ending wheel of working to live, living to work. Being educated the value of a career, to earn high wages, to own the nice house and car, losing sight of the real abundance in this lifetime. The soil, the planet, our health. Again a whole blog post could be written here.
3. Completing tasks that are easy at home, are hard as shit to complete here
This is as crazy as it sounds. Seriously. It has taken my friend 5 months to create a flyer for her business. From working with a graphic designer to edit an existing flyer template, to paying her, to getting it to the printers, has been one crazy laughable ride. The funny thing is, it’s away perfect. There is a flow, a yin based way of living here.
It’s like you have to throw your intention to the wind, wait like a boomerang for it to return to your thoughts, before moving forward in action towards it. Try going to the post office for example; something so simple and easy in any other part of the world. Here, you have to find your available pocket of time to go, navigate the extreme tourist traffic, find a bike park, await your turn – often a good chunk of time, ensure you have your ID, all required items to post and money. Because this is Bali, chances are, one day you’ll forget your ID, another day, the post office will be closed due to ceremony, and another – you’ll miraculously bump into an old friend you haven’t seen in 5 years whilst on the way, and miss out on making it to the post office before it closes. Simple things become hard. And as always, it’s perfect.
4. Be prepared to let go of any plan you have upon arriving
Have you heard the saying, you get what you need, not what you want?
Well that comes into form here. Anyone with an agenda should be prepared to let that go ASAP. There is a natural flow state here. Things unfold as and when they’re meant to. We in the West are so conditioned to doing things on our agenda. Being linear and masculine orientated in doing. Go here, then here, then here. You don’t see the Balinese move like this. They graciously move from A to B, having all the time in the world, for impromptu conversations, connections, basically enjoying life.
Westerners – we’re in a hurry to get to where we’re going. Our life is predominately in our future existence. We are rarely ever here. Bali will teach you to slow down, to enjoy each moment to moment. If you don’t listen, you’ll receive a lesson that will slow you down. A late driver, a flat tyre, an accident, slow service – and a million more examples than I can think of.
5. You will learn to walk with one foot in the physical reality, one foot in the non physical
This has been one of my biggest lessons (haha another one). I continue to say to my Mum. “It is SO different living here!”
I’ve had to learn how to trust life more than I ever have before! I’m the kind of person who budgets, always has enough, puts money aside each week for bills, expenses, holidays, savings etc…
Since living here, all those have been exhausted and any sort of safety net I’d always have, has evaporated. I’ve had to make decisions to commit to things before I’ve had the money to do so, and needed to trust that the money will come.
I moved into my current home in that manner, I committed to my last visa run the same way. It’s like having one foot in the tangible, and one foot in the non tangible.
Abraham (Esther Hicks), calls it aligning to your vortex. Not getting distracted by your here and now reality of what current exists, but focusing on that which you want to manifest and fully knowing in it’s coming into form, irrespective of desired timeline. It’s a learnt skill I tell you. One I’d like to think I’m getting better and better at. It has been a challenge to trust where my money will come from to pay my upcoming visa extension, rent, bike rental, food, but somehow the money comes, maybe not on time, maybe I have to ask a friend, maybe Mum gives me money. It’s not always a comfortable situation, but it is rich with lessons in receiving, in learning to be vulnerable, learning to trust, and showing up at the drop of a hat when need be.
6. Anything you need to learn, that you have missed, or choose to miss, will slap you hard in the face
Lessons are a constant, rarely is there a pause in something that needs to be learnt and transformed. If you don’t get the message, it will repeat until you do. Bali will work with your built-in programming to give it to you in a way that you’re accustomed. If you’re used to dealing with things in the physical; a cold, flu, virus, Bali Belly – be sure you’ll find yourself with one of these.
If you’re used to repeating patterns in your daily experience; lovers who aren’t emotionally available, money problems, transport problems, terrible neighbors, you’ll receive the same experiences as if stuck in ground hog day.
If you’re adapt at emotional release, transforming your thoughts – be sure you’ll flow with Bali, and shift lifetimes of patterns in your short or long stay here.
7. Bali will release you when it’s time to go
When it’s time to leave, you’ll know it. You’ll hear/feel the call to go somewhere else, and you’ll have no choice but to take action. I haven’t yet experienced this, but I’ve witnessed it time and time again. One of my dear sistas has just heard her call. She’s been here for 9 months, and about 2 weeks ago felt strongly it was time to return to her home soil. She’s booked her ticket, handed in her resignation and is now putting the call out to rent her home and find a carer for her animals. She knows she’ll be back. But for now, it’s time to go.
It’s a funny one this life in Bali. We are and will always be visitors to this island. The longer we stay, no change does it make to our status. We are still simply visitors. We can learn the language, learn the culture and its beautiful customs, but it will not change anything. We can commit to being here, as I choose to nearly 3 months ago, get a dog, make it our home, but at the end of the day, when Bali says it’s time, it’s time.
I am in constant awe and gratitude for being here in this magical place. Not a day passes that I don’t think “OMG I’m in Bali!” As I ride my scooter from A to B, witnessing the beautiful land people (as I have nick named them). The dark skinned locals who work in the fields next to my home. Their earth grabbing wide feet, mud to their knees, carrying epic 40kg plus sacks of grass to their home, their cows. Their toothless smiles and acknowledgement to my tourist Indonesian greetings – “Pagi”,
“Yeah yeah” they reply.
The chanting of Gatri Mantra each 6am, 12pm, 6pm. The smell of incense and offerings on the ground in front of each compound in my gang. The pack of Bali Dogs hunting for any form of food they can find. It is all wildly magical, beautiful, raw and real. I just adore Bali. What a gift!
Perhaps you’ve read about the awakening process or are going through it yourself. The world is shifting and people are awakening to the truth of this life. It can be a scary initiation that is a preparation into your unique life purpose and why you are living this life. One that has more meaning than that of simply following the society norm of which we have been conditioned to through our up bringing.
To help a little, and normalize what you might be experiencing, I’ve compiled 6 examples to support your surrender and remind you you aren’t alone.
I know when I experienced these, I felt like I was the only person on Earth and didn’t understand what was happening. Please know you’re not alone as many have gone before you, and are right alongside you right now. At this time there is an abundance of people available to support you and understand your experience.
6 Signs You’re Experiencing the Awakening Process
1 – Something outside of your control happens;
Maybe you lost your job?
A large financial challenge occurs.
You move homes, or locations.
You’re going through a divorce or separation with a loved one.
Someone dear to you passes on.
A desired outcome was not fulfilled.
Situations that occur beyond what our Ego has calculated can invite an opportunity for fear to visit. This is not a bad thing. Merely a chance to test our resiliency and feel emotions we may not have allowed ourselves to feel by being in our mapped out existence. When we know what we know, well… When we don’t know what we don’t know…
2 – Feeling emotional for unknown reasons;
You experience a spectrum of emotions for unknown (or maybe known) reasons. But you really do not understand WHY you feel this magnified way about this unknown, or known thing, but you do. You feel like reclusing, hiding, you are unsure how to cope.
When life happens for us externally, it can activate emotions that are suppressed within our psyche. Something may have happened during our childhood years, or perhaps past lives, that we weren’t able to process, that now as an adult we have the capacity to.
3 – Feeling alone/misunderstood in usual social situations;
Going out tonight, you didn’t really feel like going. But you go because you feel a sense of obligation. It’s what you ‘should’ do. The small talk at the outing feels really really hard. You long to simply be at home, or be able to talk about what is really going on in your life, but you feel far to vulnerable to show how you really feel and fear being judged and feeling like ‘that person’. That person who is struggling with life and doesn’t have it all together. Because of course we should, right? (tongue in cheek)
As our consciousness is shifting and we are awakening to a whole new world of thoughts, feelings, emotions and ways of being in the world, we begin to shift and out grow or existing reality.
4 – Increased sensitivity to usual environments & information
Watching the News, or reading Newspapers is no longer enjoyable. You don’t like the fear mongering in these stores, they make you feel bad. You prefer to scroll Social Media for feel good stories, articles and information, watch YouTube Videos and choose to inform yourself on what ‘the people’ are sharing. There are great things happening in the world too! You are consciously choosing to feel good, not bad.
You might be beginning to notice how easy it is to feel bad based on environmental factors. Media, people, environments, food, bars, clubs, places you used to put your energy into. You’ll be making conscious choices for what makes you feel good vs bad.
5 – Falling away of current friendships
You’re feeling like your current circle of friends don’t understand you and what is happening. You struggle to talk to them and feel really uncomfortable when you try. When you do, they console you with things like:
– it’ll pass
– you’ll be right // you’ll get through this
– everyone goes through something
– did you know such and such had xyz happen – you’re lucky compared to them
It’s not their fault they don’t know how to acknowledge you, but you feel no better, maybe worse and more alone from not feeling heard.
Yup – this is a tricky, and personal one to navigate. Ensure you seek support from a practitioner who can acknowledge how you feel. How you feel IS important and valid and it’s absolutely irrelevant to compare your situation to another person going through the same or different circumstances. We are all unique and riding our own life waves.
6 – There is discomfort in the life you once felt comfort
Suddenly, being in large populated areas like shopping malls, supermarkets now aggravates you. The bright lights, artificial food & packaging, screaming children, intense energy, the sense of stress and urgency from over worked faces around you. Not to mention the stress of getting in and out of the car park!
Another uncomfortable one, but a great opportunity to acknowledge you and your needs. There are other options available that don’t have to include going to a busy supermarket or mall. Lucky now we have home gardens, whole foods stores, weekend markets, organic delivery services, co-ops. Start doing some research if you haven’t already to connect with local people, create grass roots connections with others around you who are connected to the Earth. Life isn’t a fast food store, so we shouldn’t live like it.
Lots of wonderful unfolding lessons will show themselves in time. This is a magical time where you will see more than you have before. It may not feel like it at the time, but remember to breathe, seek support and know you are not alone in this.
I am not one who gets sick, so here’s my share on why getting sick in Bali is a gift… I listen to my body pretty well, and in doing so, it tells me what I need to do to take care of it on a daily basis. More and more I surrender into flow, …
These past few days have invited some deep internal reflection. It has been brutally confronting, inviting me to look at old untruths that I have been operating from. But first, these patterns wouldn’t have come to head, if I hadn’t have allowed myself to sit in a womb of Bali love for these past 8-9 months.
Like all good cycles, this one has been epic beyond explanation. Inviting in rich feminine nurturing and ways of being I have been unaccustomed to. I’m Heidi – I like to charge forward like the Sagittarian Adventurer that I am, making shit happen & tearing things up in my path. This time has welcomed a newer, upgraded version of Heidi, one who has richer compassion and deep nurturment for the feminine process and holding.
I have needed to spend time healing my heart after my breakup, and look at my underlying issues of worthiness that it brought up.
It is merely intuition that has taught me that these months have been a holding period. Much to my personal frustration of wanting to get on with life and move forward. After all, doesn’t it feel so satisfying to take action towards the things we want most in life? Look at us humans right now, we are so ADDICTED to being in action. Our very days are full to the brim with action tasks and duties. Not to many moments are filled with blissful nothingness, simply watching nature & counting our blessings on breathe. “Il dolce far niente.”
I’ve trusted my guidance and taken one step at a time, accepting the discomfort of what was, trusting that everything is in perfect order, despite it not looking like the order I wanted so dearly. After all, as the saying goes “we get what we need, not what we want.”
I’ve carried out tasks that I am good at, that have served me living this life – making a living – in exchange for accommodation, food & other additions that have allowed me to stay on this island of Bali. It has triggered my deepest frustrations to not be ‘in control’ of such simple matters. However it has been so satisfying to not have to conform to the basic demands of needing to earn real money, only to see the gross of it go off to things like rent, expenses, food, gas, loans and so on. I have been gifted a break from the rat race. An incredible opportunity to rest from such a Masculine/Yang way of living.
Still I was aware of needing to break from Bali. An opportunity to gain a fresh perspective. To see if leaving this island was what I needed to do to move forward, break free of the Bali bubble. A return break to Australia to spend time with my bestie was just what I needed. Time to drink all the coffee and eat all the chocolate with my friend, and to not consider the needs of the retreat and my personal frustrations with, “what am I doing with my life!”
Feeling unbiased either way upon my return – should I stay, should I go – I returned and initially felt no clearer other than experiencing a few UP days, which were so so welcome, the nurturing womb of Bali love had changed – I felt freer. But direction & purpose were still no more clearer. Hoping clarity would show up after some necessary conversations, I’d hoped options would become clear to me. This wasn’t to be the case. Foggier and foggier I became. I fell into a hole of darkness yesterday and experienced my lows in full force. Worthiness, lack, sadness, fear. I decided to hide from myself by watching a movie.
That evening I attended our Agnihotra Fire Ceremony which welcomes purging of old to bring about transformation, and how perfect for this New Moon Energy. Still agitation sat with me and I choose to leave before it was finished. I retired to bed and decided to again distract myself with something to watch online. I found an interview with Marie Forleo & Tony Robbins. I started watching it out of curiosity. He’s been around for years, but I have never felt any interest in him. However he has a movie set for release shortly titled “I am not your Guru”, which is on par with my Be Your Own Guru concept. I watched for a bit but felt uninspired.
Clicking on a different video of his, titled something like “how to control your emotions” thinking, this will be interesting. I am not for controlling my emotions, but giving them the space to be what they need to be, but figured he must know what he’s talking about given his status & duration of time in the Personal Development field.
I understand that every emotion is a message telling us that we need to change something. I get this. We listen to the message & go deeper into it to find the core underlying message. I get this also. What he teaches, after acknowledging what the core message is, there are one of two things one can do;
1 – Change your perception of what you are experiencing to change your feeling, or
2 – Take action preceding the situation.
I often have the tendency to sit in the emotion of what comes up a bit longer than needed. For example, the recent changes here have triggered my feelings of worthiness. So I feel into the feelings of lack of worth. Allowing it to be what is. It does eventually shift naturally, however it can be quite uncomfortable to be there for extended periods of time, as one might imagine. Perhaps this has to do with my emotional maturity – having cut myself off from feeling emotions at a young age? Perhaps making up for lost time, I don’t know?
This morning upon waking, I sat in my fog and asked “what do I do next?” I had been waiting for internal guidance to guide me, giving me some kind of inspiration. A clear indication around what action I needed to take. Up until recently, I’ve been getting nadda. This morning what came through was a message – “back yourself.”
What listening to Tony the night before did, was reminded me that I am in control. I am in charge of what I want to create. I looked at why I am feeling this way. I got really honest with myself. I knew I didn’t want to return into the same bubble that I was previously. So what was my resistance?
I had been so down on my self belief, that I thought that I couldn’t create what I wanted. I thought it was gone. That my purpose was in the hands of some greater force guiding me, dictating where I needed to go & be. I was reminded that the most rewarding time of my working life, was when I worked for myself. I was my own boss. I did what I wanted and the sky was the limit!
This memory reminded me that I can do that again!
I needed to internally choose. I needed to step up, to back myself. To choose that I want to work for myself. To accept the massive opportunity that I have been given here. Of course I don’t know how I am going to do it, or what I am going to do, I only know that I cannot go backwards. I have to encompass everything that I know and have integrated over the past 15 years and bring it forward into the now. Now is the time to do.
As soon as I made this decision, I took myself off for an ass kicking workout. I biked to some local stairs that I love pounding and pumped out repetitions of them. I was my own Personal Trainer. Edging myself forward to push through the mud into something new.
This was communicated with the Founder here & a very short time after, a guest booked me for a session! Such a perfect confirmation that I have made the right decision aligned to my highest good. In hindsight, what I’ve shared is so simple, but experientially one of the toughest processes to date.
There was so much richness in the womb of Bali love that I needed, to come from a new, perhaps more loving, compassionate nurturing way of being, that perhaps could not have been facilitated from my old way of being. We are no longer living head based lives; we need to align with our hearts true purpose in each moment. It is easy to charge forward from the head, but to come from the heart, that is truly living.
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Have you noticed how grief can be a trickster at times? Disguised in one form, dressed as another. Like an unannounced house guest, he knocks at the door, packed bags in hand, you answer in your underwear, the house a mess, you’re unprepared. “Hello friend, I am Grief.” He has come to visit. To turn him away …
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Today there is not to much else to do or understand, but just be and write a little. It feels like everything is coming to a head, and life as I currently know it is changing, not before my eyes – because that actually hasn’t happened yet – but on my insides. Since doing a …