My mind is a busy monkey at present. Integrating my Bali reality with this current New Zealand reality. I’ve been trying to pin point the words, to somehow capture and solidify my experience. In doing so, hoping to find some sort of solidarity that I can grab a hold of with both hands. But it’s …
I am SO riled up with frustration today – today’s topic – how will I make a difference in today’s world?
Yesterday I spent time with a dear friend & he is never shy to question my motives and intentions behind my drive for life.
It’s always wonderful to have someone pushing me forward and ensuring I’m aligning myself with my highest good, but what if it feels like absolutely nothing I’m doing is working or moving forward?
I really feel like this right now!
I feel so on my own. Usually a day is inspired by divine conversations, interactions that can guide me towards something, a creative task to fruition, but these past few weeks. I feel like I’m floating in the ethos of nothingness. What the fuck am I doing?
My past few blog posts have mirrored this topic. What the fuck is Heidi doing? I have a million tools and good intentions for the whole, but feel like I’ve no fucking idea what I’m doing, add to this my stress about my money situation. So which comes first? Focus on the things that will bring money in, or keep doing what I love – it feels like the dilemma of the era – with all the bright shinny things ‘out there’ – it’s so easy to be distracted by ‘what’s here’.
I can’t play the pretend game – pretending I have it all together – that I’m some wonderful successful online coach with clients lining up to work with me, earning 6/7 figures each month – it all seems so shallow & empty. Give me the truth god dammit! I need to be honest, I need to spill the beans and call a spade a spade. Who really knows what is going on here? I certainly don’t. I wish I had a small inkling of an idea. What this thing called life is all about. Even writing these words, having this word dump doesn’t feel like the right thing to share on my blog. Aren’t I meant to have it all together?
If I carry the title of Coach, Counselor & PT, aren’t I meant to know what’s going on? Perhaps this is something I’ve put on myself… that I should have it all together. I feel the further I go along this journey, the less idea I actually have. Walls & beliefs get knocked down, disassembled, blasted to smithereens. What is left is a field of peace, wonder, possibility which anything can be built upon. I tell you this field is amazing, but you wouldn’t believe unless you experienced it for your very own self.
I joined an online Affiliate Marketing gig because it truly felt like a piece of the puzzle, the tools, systems and the how – the how behind getting Be Your Own Guru online & moving – whatever that means.
Yet I watch the Facebook posts & messages stream along on FB Messenger (from said Marketing peeps) – they are rich with questions and banter about all the detail needed to understand the nuts and bolts behind the scenes of building an online business. How to derive followers, likers, leads etc.. The purpose of these equal sales and therefore money. Winning right?! Yes we need money – god knows we do – have a look at my bank account.
However in the next moment, I stumble upon a video of my Mentor – Paul Chek, talking about how the Earths Top Soil is akin to our own Digestive Systems. I get this so strongly – as within, so without. I witness the mass pollution accruing on this planet and understand that it is a direct result of each individual on this planet and our connection with our inner selves.
Online business details vs the reality of the Planet – my dilemma – the questions & feelings of frustration arise – What can I do? I experience deep frustration on a daily basis for not being able to DO ENOUGH! HOW! What can I do? Seriously – show me the fucking way! I have a greater awareness of what is going on here & I don’t know what to do with that information! Rgggghhh!
Meanwhile billions of people the world across are absolutely clueless to the impact they are creating, let alone what their neighbors are up too. How can we be in such a mess? It really breaks my heart, I cry & feel the pain of the world in my heart. How can my knowledge help the whole? How can I help the cause?
I just don’t know what to do. Even typing these words while I sit in a Café in Ubud drinking my coffee feels super privileged and hardly a step in the right direction. Though I know that I need to acknowledge my fire, I need to express my frustrations. Whether my words are read, whether they disappear into the abyss of yet another blog post online, what matters is that I wrote them. That I acknowledged my deep frustration with the state of the planet and the fact that I am SO ready to make difference.
I dance in periods of listening to my favorite artist Nahko Bear. When I’ve had time away from him, and return – his voice and message awakens my soul again – it resonates so deeply and for that moment in time I feel heard – I feel ok. His music reminds me that I’m not the only one. You see – I feel like I’m on my own here. Am I?
Are you reading these words?
Are you with me?
Do you care?
Can you see what is happening?
Do you know that the world needs you?
Are you aware of your daily actions and how they affect the world. Your trash, your purpose, your words, your energy, your ability to be in integrity with yourself. Speak your truth, be honest, be vulnerable. Do you understand how MUCH you contribute to this world? You are a part of everything – not separate at all.
You see this is what is needed first and foremost. We can’t change anything out there – without changing what is going on – in here <3.
This is what it comes back to, Being Your own Guru, if you are the creator of your life, taking responsibility for your words, actions, energy, moment to moment, we make the best choices for the planet.
Our food sources, the soil in which it was grown, our friends and neighbors and how much love and compassion we offer them. Everyone is fighting their own battles and they cannot be won on our own. We need to band together and offer support… But it starts with you – right now – looking at yourself.
If you’re ready to embark on the Guru’s journey, let’s do things OUR way… Let’s get our voices out loud and strong in integrity with our spirit and purpose. Let’s make a difference. I will walk with you, guiding you & offering support each step of the way. Join me in a personal capacity by messaging me, or join me professionally by following this link.
He made how much from doing what? Where am I going with this? I want to briefly share with you an opportunity that I’ve stumbled upon recently. Up until then, I had been questioning, walking blindly, intention setting, asking for clarity about how do I create a successful online business. Success for me equaling spreading …
What is our purpose in life? Today’s 99 Million Dollar Question right?!
I’ve been working with this questions quite intimately these past months here in Bali land. Knowing for a long time there is much more to living life than just hitting the daily grind in exchange for an income.
I know this – but such is life – continuing to learn lessons, plugging along & asking life purpose reflection questions.
Each question has created an opportunity, a stepping stone to the next. Each stepping stone has requested courage & fear acknowledgement. But here’s the thing, they ARE stepping stones. We are never given what we cannot handle, and so we get to choose in each moment whether we continue with what we know, or step into that which we don’t.
Bali was and continues to be a gamble.
I have no idea what I’m doing & showing up for on a day to day basis, but I do, because sitting here in my life, I cannot & will not go backwards.
If I ‘went back’, this might look like returning to Australia or maybe New Zealand, getting a J.O.B in exchange for my life hours and a small wage in exchange for such un-priceable value. I will not do it. (Well – it doesn’t feel like my here & now calling. Although I have learnt to be open and step into what is needed in each moment.)
The Silent Retreat was tough. It was an inner boot camp of looking at fears, demons, and a time out & deconstruction of everything I knew to be true. The living paradigm of J.O.B working. Compartmentalizing life. It has since spat me out, in which I am SO grateful for. Day by day, now some 10 days on or so, life continues to show up for me because I am choosing to show up for it. I am in the hands of something far greater that has me in it’s arms.
How am I sustaining myself?
Friends, more friends, small savings & trust.
Do I know what I’m doing tomorrow?
Am I happy & excited?
Do I get to live my life on my terms?
Am I safe? A roof over my head & food to eat?
This is life!
This is living!
My dear chicken friend reminded me last week. There is no separation between work & play. There is only life. We shouldn’t have to invest in one to have the other. They shouldn’t need to be mutually exclusive things.
Life is life. It was given to us as our birthright to enjoy, explore, learn & play. Not to live by rules & patterning passed down from generation to generation. But the sad thing is, unless you don’t start to question, you will never learn any different, as we only know what we know. If we knew what we didn’t know, there would still be more that we didn’t know. And so on & so on, x’s infinity! Where does the mind go with the limitlessness of that!?
I’m reading the book “Cashflow Quadrant by Robert T Kiyosaki” right now, and a passage he shares within it is;
“We all know people who make a lot of money, but hate their work. We also know people who do not make a lot of money and hate their work. And we all know people who just work for money. A classmate of mine realized he did not want to spend his life at sea. Rather than sail for the rest of his life, he went to law school after graduation, spending three more years becoming a lawyer and entering private practice in the Self Employed Quadrant.
He died in his early fifties. He had become a very successful, unhappy lawyer. Like me, he had two professions by the time he was 26. Although he hated being a lawyer, he continued being a lawyer because he had a family, kids, a mortgage, and bills to pay.
A year before he died, I met him at a class reunion in New York. He was a bitter man.
“All I do is sweep up behind rich guys like you. They pay me nothing. I hate what I do and who I work for.”
“Why don’t you do something else?” I asked.
“I can’t afford to stop working. My first child is entering college.”
he died of a heart attack before she graduated.
he made a lot of money via his professional training, but he was emotionally angry, spiritually dead, and soon his body followed.”
Whilst this story is extreme, doesn’t it hit hard? I mean, I’m sure we know people in our sphere’s like this right? Living the daily grind, surviving not thriving.
There is no blame or finger pointing here. This situation is what it is because we know no different, but is merely an opportunity to be open to reflect on HOW we could live differently? What would I really like to enjoy in my world? It can be a big question that brings forth a blank canvas. I know it did for me for a long time, I’ve only known that the old didn’t fit and I needed to move towards something new , un-created & unwritten.
Question with me, create, play & explore.
These past few days have invited some deep internal reflection. It has been brutally confronting, inviting me to look at old untruths that I have been operating from. But first, these patterns wouldn’t have come to head, if I hadn’t have allowed myself to sit in a womb of Bali love for these past 8-9 months.
Like all good cycles, this one has been epic beyond explanation. Inviting in rich feminine nurturing and ways of being I have been unaccustomed to. I’m Heidi – I like to charge forward like the Sagittarian Adventurer that I am, making shit happen & tearing things up in my path. This time has welcomed a newer, upgraded version of Heidi, one who has richer compassion and deep nurturment for the feminine process and holding.
I have needed to spend time healing my heart after my breakup, and look at my underlying issues of worthiness that it brought up.
It is merely intuition that has taught me that these months have been a holding period. Much to my personal frustration of wanting to get on with life and move forward. After all, doesn’t it feel so satisfying to take action towards the things we want most in life? Look at us humans right now, we are so ADDICTED to being in action. Our very days are full to the brim with action tasks and duties. Not to many moments are filled with blissful nothingness, simply watching nature & counting our blessings on breathe. “Il dolce far niente.”
I’ve trusted my guidance and taken one step at a time, accepting the discomfort of what was, trusting that everything is in perfect order, despite it not looking like the order I wanted so dearly. After all, as the saying goes “we get what we need, not what we want.”
I’ve carried out tasks that I am good at, that have served me living this life – making a living – in exchange for accommodation, food & other additions that have allowed me to stay on this island of Bali. It has triggered my deepest frustrations to not be ‘in control’ of such simple matters. However it has been so satisfying to not have to conform to the basic demands of needing to earn real money, only to see the gross of it go off to things like rent, expenses, food, gas, loans and so on. I have been gifted a break from the rat race. An incredible opportunity to rest from such a Masculine/Yang way of living.
Still I was aware of needing to break from Bali. An opportunity to gain a fresh perspective. To see if leaving this island was what I needed to do to move forward, break free of the Bali bubble. A return break to Australia to spend time with my bestie was just what I needed. Time to drink all the coffee and eat all the chocolate with my friend, and to not consider the needs of the retreat and my personal frustrations with, “what am I doing with my life!”
Feeling unbiased either way upon my return – should I stay, should I go – I returned and initially felt no clearer other than experiencing a few UP days, which were so so welcome, the nurturing womb of Bali love had changed – I felt freer. But direction & purpose were still no more clearer. Hoping clarity would show up after some necessary conversations, I’d hoped options would become clear to me. This wasn’t to be the case. Foggier and foggier I became. I fell into a hole of darkness yesterday and experienced my lows in full force. Worthiness, lack, sadness, fear. I decided to hide from myself by watching a movie.
That evening I attended our Agnihotra Fire Ceremony which welcomes purging of old to bring about transformation, and how perfect for this New Moon Energy. Still agitation sat with me and I choose to leave before it was finished. I retired to bed and decided to again distract myself with something to watch online. I found an interview with Marie Forleo & Tony Robbins. I started watching it out of curiosity. He’s been around for years, but I have never felt any interest in him. However he has a movie set for release shortly titled “I am not your Guru”, which is on par with my Be Your Own Guru concept. I watched for a bit but felt uninspired.
Clicking on a different video of his, titled something like “how to control your emotions” thinking, this will be interesting. I am not for controlling my emotions, but giving them the space to be what they need to be, but figured he must know what he’s talking about given his status & duration of time in the Personal Development field.
I understand that every emotion is a message telling us that we need to change something. I get this. We listen to the message & go deeper into it to find the core underlying message. I get this also. What he teaches, after acknowledging what the core message is, there are one of two things one can do;
1 – Change your perception of what you are experiencing to change your feeling, or
2 – Take action preceding the situation.
I often have the tendency to sit in the emotion of what comes up a bit longer than needed. For example, the recent changes here have triggered my feelings of worthiness. So I feel into the feelings of lack of worth. Allowing it to be what is. It does eventually shift naturally, however it can be quite uncomfortable to be there for extended periods of time, as one might imagine. Perhaps this has to do with my emotional maturity – having cut myself off from feeling emotions at a young age? Perhaps making up for lost time, I don’t know?
This morning upon waking, I sat in my fog and asked “what do I do next?” I had been waiting for internal guidance to guide me, giving me some kind of inspiration. A clear indication around what action I needed to take. Up until recently, I’ve been getting nadda. This morning what came through was a message – “back yourself.”
What listening to Tony the night before did, was reminded me that I am in control. I am in charge of what I want to create. I looked at why I am feeling this way. I got really honest with myself. I knew I didn’t want to return into the same bubble that I was previously. So what was my resistance?
I had been so down on my self belief, that I thought that I couldn’t create what I wanted. I thought it was gone. That my purpose was in the hands of some greater force guiding me, dictating where I needed to go & be. I was reminded that the most rewarding time of my working life, was when I worked for myself. I was my own boss. I did what I wanted and the sky was the limit!
This memory reminded me that I can do that again!
I needed to internally choose. I needed to step up, to back myself. To choose that I want to work for myself. To accept the massive opportunity that I have been given here. Of course I don’t know how I am going to do it, or what I am going to do, I only know that I cannot go backwards. I have to encompass everything that I know and have integrated over the past 15 years and bring it forward into the now. Now is the time to do.
As soon as I made this decision, I took myself off for an ass kicking workout. I biked to some local stairs that I love pounding and pumped out repetitions of them. I was my own Personal Trainer. Edging myself forward to push through the mud into something new.
This was communicated with the Founder here & a very short time after, a guest booked me for a session! Such a perfect confirmation that I have made the right decision aligned to my highest good. In hindsight, what I’ve shared is so simple, but experientially one of the toughest processes to date.
There was so much richness in the womb of Bali love that I needed, to come from a new, perhaps more loving, compassionate nurturing way of being, that perhaps could not have been facilitated from my old way of being. We are no longer living head based lives; we need to align with our hearts true purpose in each moment. It is easy to charge forward from the head, but to come from the heart, that is truly living.
Have you noticed how grief can be a trickster at times? Disguised in one form, dressed as another. Like an unannounced house guest, he knocks at the door, packed bags in hand, you answer in your underwear, the house a mess, you’re unprepared. “Hello friend, I am Grief.” He has come to visit. To turn him away …
While sitting in the Immigration Office in Bali, I was contemplating how much change my life has undergone, is such a short space of time. Living within a Silent Retreat has brought me back to simplicity & the heart of what really matters in life. I now see the many many distractions we create in …
To create change in the world, I write for me. To connect with a story from my soul. To give my soul a purpose. I like the idea of having no agenda. There is so much freedom in no agenda. The same goes for other areas in life. When we have no agenda in everything …
Expansion into areas of self… could be the key component to find your inner Guru. Creating change amongst the masses. We cannot continue how we are. Busying & filling our lives with tasks, items, social engagements, property, STUFF, on the scale that we are. These items bring little to no true satisfaction. We know this …
Well let me tell you, I’m sure this topic has been years in the making! I left New Zealand when I was a mere 20 years old. Bright eyed and bushy tailed – ready to take on the world. I had a one way ticket to London, England and all I knew was that I …