A Cathartic Winter

My last post was on 16 May.  3 Months ago!  What a 3 months it has been.  Nothing short of small.  I don’t know about you, but from what I’ve heard from the collective – it has been a cathartic time.  Everyone has been experiencing great change in their own way.

Me.  Mine has been very internal.  If you’ve seen me, I might look calm, composed, or maybe even a bit quiet/reserved.  But internally it’s looked like The Tower card from the Tarot Card set.

A Cathartic Winter - The Tower

I’ve mostly been journaling my thoughts, keeping them to myself, which has helped me shift what is circling internally, moving it outwards.  Always important.  Wim Hof breathing has been a consistent, and being a Hermit has felt oh-so-right.

As mentioned in my previous post, I went through a death.  So my understanding is that through this Winter period, that phase continued.  When you think about Winter – what thoughts do you conjure?  I think of Bears hybinating.  Taking time out to sleep, rest, restore.  Call me a Bear.

It’s only with this newness of Spring energy that I am beginning to take steps out of my cave.  2 steps forward, 1 step back.  A little tentative and new on foot.  Feeling slightly awkward and uncomfortable in social settings.  1 step back.

Old ways have been shed.  Ways that I knew myself to be for so long.  I don’t quite know what to expect now.  I’ve been visioning for the past month – feeling into what I wish to create.  Law of Attraction states this will be so.  Feeling my inner landscape and living aligned to my self, not getting swept up in my physical reality as that is just passing through as change is shed.

I’ve been rewiring thoughts, choosing me more and more.  In moments where I would send love to someone, I am choosing to redirect it to me first.  I’ve been a needy bugger.  Often looking for love external of myself, we all do don’t we?  I’ve found this new.  I want to give so much in order to be loved in return, but this pattern seems to have pushed people away.

So I’m in the midst of this change.  Choosing me irrespective of the other.  Becoming more self sufficient.  Becoming so attractive in my own love, that love from another wouldn’t even matter.  Of course welcome, but irrelevant.  You know what?  It feels yummy!  It’s not conditional, it is constant.  Always available.  There is great peace here.

I am learning to walk again, holding this valuable gift, vulnerable to the old ways wanting to trick me back.  This is why I’ve been absent on Facebook.  I’ve wrapped myself up gently, and am holding myself sacred.  Emerging out slowly, to experience and integrate only when I want.

I have some big visions brewing.  They require great change.  I’ve been preparing myself, shedding old ways to make way for these new vibrations.  It is so tremendously exciting… I’m on the right track, I know it.  Such a welcome relief.

A Cathartic Winter - The Fool & The Sun

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My trip to Sydney and its death cycle

It’s been four days since I landed back on home soil in New Zealand.

My trip to Australia was a significantly big one.

Externally it may not have looked like it.  But internally, a lot was moving.

Before I left I wasn’t feeling excited about it.  In fact, I could’ve easily not gone.  But that wasn’t an option, there were things to do and people to see, I was going.

I wrote a Facebook post here, as I was waiting at Queenstown Airport.  Sharing my thoughts about how I feel Airports create a definitive ending and beginning.  Well this trip didn’t disappoint.

I had an amazing time in Sydney.  I hired a Van, kitted out with everything.  They even upgraded me, so to my surprise I had a gas cook top, all the cookware, a kitchen sink with running water and even a fridge!  The bench seats expanded out into a huge bed, and there were curtains around the whole van, which created such privacy – I felt safe and contained wherever I went.

It was such a convenience having this van.  It enabled me to go where I wanted and sleep there also – I highly recommend it as a form of travel.  Check out hippie campers should it call you.

I found myself in South Curl Curl for a number of nights.  It was where a number of my friends were close to, and it was next to my old local hood.  It made sense and it felt comfortable for me to be back there, not to mention the beach was nearby.

Even so, being back on familiar land, upon going to sleep, I still need to introduce myself to the land, the native or local spirits and let them know I was there for a night or two.  I don’t know you about you, but when I sleep somewhere new, I am often greeted by the curiosity of local energies – poking and proding me to test who I am and what business I have being on their land.

My trip continues, a dear friends wedding, a trip to the Blue Mountains to deal with stuff I left behind, visits to more dear friends, ocean swimming, coastal walks, catching up on life and times that seem to past in the blink of an eye.  I was enjoying myself, but could feel a discomfort and sadness making herself known.

Fast forward, when I returned back to New Zealand.  That deep sadness had crept in.  From the moment I landed at Queenstown Airport, I could feel my tears behind my eyes.  I was feeling very on my own.  No messages to greet me home.  A billion questions from customs.  7 degrees.  No one to pick me up.  No bus for the next half hour.  No biggie usually, but everything was triggering my sadness.  I sat at the cold bus stop and cried.

For the rest of that evening and the next day, oddly – it felt like none of my friends were available.  Everyone was busy, everyone doing life in their own way.  I felt alone, unsupported and very very emotional.

What I came to understand, is that whilst in Sydney.  I tapped back into that old Heidi.  The old version of myself that lived and existed in there.  The single gal, independent, the can do anything attitude, the one who lived her days in her own world doing her own thing.  Between this time in Sydney – until these days in QT – I’ve grown into a new version of myself.  I’d like to think, one with a lot more meaning, depth and compassion.

My sadness was a shedding of this old self.  Like a snake would shed its skin (funny now I am remembering my snake dreams before leaving NZ).  I was experiencing the old me, from the current me’s perspective.  She was a smaller version of myself.  Feeling so alone, disconnected and small in comparison.

I continued to sit in the discomfort of what I was feeling, and uncomfortable it was.  There have been no shortage of tears these past days.  In fact I had such a powerful crying session the other day, it required a nap afterwards.

I’ve been feeling discomfort in social situations, discomfort with my own presence.  An energy in my body that I couldn’t shift or shake no matter my acknowledgement.  This needed a natural evolution of release that takes it’s time as per nature’s way.

Yesterday, Tuesday, Angelo and I went for a hike up Wye Creek – a particularly powerful area.  Filled with spirit and life.  The depth here palpable and undeniable.

We ventured to our own areas near the waterfall, with the intention of doing some Wim Hof breathing and cold immersion.  I wasn’t brave enough for the cold immersion – but I dove into my breathing.  I burped, spat, yawned, shook and purged so much energy my mind couldn’t fathom what was happening.  All I know is, I was releasing and shedding what I no longer needed.

When I go through these seemingly crazy releases, I often think of a few things.  How our bodies are innately wise, how our ego’s have the ability, through conditioning, to shield or block us from connection, how nature is there to be our constant teacher.

In summary – I’ve been through/am completing yet another Death cycle.  After reading Women Who Run with Wolves – Hunting: When the Heart Is a Lonely Hunter – my attention is brought to Skeleton Woman: Life/Dealth/Life Nature of Love Cycles.  I am so wildly fascinated by her.

In this context within this story, Clarissa writes;

“In order to create this enduring love, one invites a third partner to the union.  The third partner is Skeleton Woman.  She is also called Lady Death, and as such, she is the Life/Death/Life nature in one of her many guises.  In this form, Lady Death is not a disease, but a diety.
In a relationship she has the role of the oracle who knows when it is time for ycesl to begin and end.  As such, she is the wildish aspect of the relationship, the one of whom men are most terrified… and sometimes woman also, for when faith in the transformative has been lost, the natural cycles of increase and attrition are feared as well.”

In essence, what I understand is, that in order to experience life and love relationships to their fullest, all parties need to embrace the Death Cycle in their sphere.  Without it, life is void of meaning and remains surface level without fulfillment or satisfaction.

It is not an easy or comfortable thing to face death head on.  I believe if we did still as a society we wouldn’t have the sickness that we see.  People would live more balanced satisfied lives in all facets.  Love, Relationships, Health, Work, Sex, Family… but sadly it is a forgotten way or feared way.

A part of me died upon returning home to New Zealand.  A part of my psyche, an old way of being that was no longer serving me in the world, in the life I want to create, and so in letting her go, I needed to grieve a loss.  I needed to purge her on an emotional, mental & spiritual level.

It is time to reawaken our ways of being, of innate connection with our land and the nature Life/Death/Life nature cycles.

 

If you’re interesting in exploring this topic more deeply, connect with me;
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Join me in Queenstown this Saturday for Intro to Energetic Self Care

sydney death cycle

Clearing Entities + Building an Energetic Self Care Practice

I had a conversation recently with a colleague, and we acknowledged how good we are both feeling, and that it feels like we have finally pulled through something.  I can’t even begin to explain this, it is wonderful!  It is extremely wonderful to finally feel SO good!

I feel filled with anticipation for the time ahead.  I don’t know exactly what this is, but I can feel it, I have intentions, there are conversations – and if these represent what is coming, it’s going to be amazing!  We’re talking road trips, travel, health, empowerment and location independence with love by my side.

But yesterday, I came home from work, and needed to rest, I felt depleated.

When I got to my room, short of falling asleep, I was drawn to meditate.  I needed to clear the hectic energy I’d picked up from the store.  A few minutes into it, I felt really bleeeehhh, heavy, nauseous, like I was processing something heavy.  But because I know how good I’ve been feeling, I KNEW this wasn’t mine to process.  I tuned in a little more, and it became apparent I’d picked up some filthy entity along the way, that jumped on for a ride.  Bleeeeehhh!  I demanded it leave immediately, making way for it to leave with light, an abundance of sage and intention.  Filthy Fucker!  Excuse me – but it was disgusting!  This is not the first time I have cleared an entity from my being, but maybe one of the first that has felt so yuck.

It really reminds me the importance of energetic self care, and how we need to come to know our own energy, so that we don’t allow these entities to jump aboard for free rides.

What this shows up as, is feeling less than our bright shiny selves.  It might make us feel bad, uncomfortable, emotional, unmotivated, and not even know why?

So I cleared that filthy fucker and immediately began to express audible sighs of relief as I returned to my feeling good buzz.

So this leads onto the topic of energetic self care, a present one with friends.

It took me a long time to build my energetic self awareness.  I had to deal with the discomfort of supermarkets and malls, of demanding customers and students – and multiple uncomfortable conversations.  I had to integrate my learnt communication skills to protect myself moment to moment.  That coupled with a meditation practice, showed me my inner landscape.  It took time.  I liken it to running a marathon.  You can’t run a marathon without first training for one.  You start slowly, building up your cardiovascular fitness and endurance.  You have a training programme that supports you in getting there.

The same goes for building your energetic self awareness, you have to start with the first step of training.  Haha – I just had an image of Mr Miyagi in Karate Kid.

clearing entities + building an energetic self care practice

 

 

 

 

The most necessary first step I would suggest is;

Start a Meditation Practice

Come to know your inner landscape.  Your innermost thoughts, how your energy sits in your body.  If it is new to you, start with just 5 minutes per day, build up your consistency.  Focus on your breath.  Watch your in and out breaths.  Don’t even worry about trying to clear your mind.  Just give yourself a focus point.  Acknowledge any and all fears or blocks you may have from starting your practice.  Anything to do with preconceived ideas about how you think it should be.  It will be perfect and exactly how it is.  We don’t preplan a conversation with a friend or colleague before we enter into it, it is perfect in the very moment it is happening.  Meditation is the same.  Just start and breathe.

You can watch my video here – for further information.

Start with this practice as the first step.

If you already have a practice, I’d love to share the benefits you receive.
If you’re looking at starting one, I’d love to hear how you’re enjoying it.

Please feel free to send me a DM, I love hearing from you.

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the wolves have returned

it’s 17 december.

we are days away from 2017 being no more.

it’s easy to remember that this year has been tumultuous!

i think the only reason why i am remembering, is because all the feels have come flooding back, i feel like i have somehow transported back in time to how i’ve felt most of this year.

this year has been relentless.

relentless in lessons, in unfolding layers of muck and untruths.  a general supersized spring clean out that has been overdue since eternity.  who knows how many lifetimes this heaviness has been weighing my soul down for?

see, that’s just it isn’t it?

we are not merely dealing with our here and now.  what we see in front of our eyes.

we are deep diving, and clearing out the trash of our past.

our grand mothers mother, and maybe even her grand mothers mother – where does it begin or end?

so when asked, what is wrong?  it has been common to not know.  to shake our heads, as if surrendering to the higher power orchestrating this dance.  for we are merely vessels to direct and hone this light body.  it’s easy to forget.

our work surpasses what we think we are here to complete.  we are more than the conversations that take place each moment.

my energy shifts your energy.  your energy shifts my energy.  we are one.

and so, as these feels return, i am reminded of the work that i committed to, and what i am witness to is moving through me.

an ancient wisdom returning, remembering, connecting to all that is, greater than my ego can understand.  oh ego – dear little ego.

new beginnings have arrived.

it IS the dawn of a new era.

there are more of us than ever before.  ready.  hungry.

there has never been a time like there is right now.

the wolves have returned, and we’re coming in numbers.

we bring hope of new life!

 

Being wild amidst the tame

My mind is a busy monkey at present.

Integrating my Bali reality with this current New Zealand reality.

I’ve been trying to pin point the words, to somehow capture and solidify my experience. In doing so, hoping to find some sort of solidarity that I can grab a hold of with both hands.

But it’s not coming. It’s not happening.

And then I remember what I signed up for.

I didn’t sign up for normal. I didn’t sign up for comfortable.

Somewhere way back when, my soul made a contract to be wild and free, so trying to fit this into its current surrounds is something akin to bringing the wild back into the city. It won’t fit anymore, in fact it’s likely to go more wild.

I see that Brene Brown has just released a new book, so I’m reading the sample pages available on Amazon.com. In the first pages I come across this snippet as she is discussing Maya Angelou in a 1973 interview. Maya says;

“You are only free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.”

To which I resonate so greatly, I cry.

In conclusion, I’m not going to find the right words, it’s never going to make sense, I am the wild space between the words that are undiscovered and free. It’s up to me to surrender to that, and come from that place. Wild makes no sense. Wild is WILD. This is why we feel at peace and at home within nature, our brain has to give up trying to understand it, and just get out of the way to come to peace.

So dear Heidi, give up the understanding and just own the wild and free that you.

My funk, gives permission to your funk

Sometimes the day calls for gentleness and not so much action.

This ride can be a challenging one when sometimes the next step is NOT clear, but a decision needs to be made.

Such is the case for me today, and as a result (I think), my thoughts and feels, are funky and so it’s been a slow day for me.

Despite having tools, I’m normalizing that this path is tough and unknown and that it’s impossible to be upbeat and optimistic all the time.

“the only way forward is through’

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Start this practice immediately | no excuses | just start

Often it’s the really simple things in life we don’t do that we know we need to.

– Drink more water
– Move our bodies more
– Eat cleaner food
– Drink less alcohol
– Work less, play more…

Nothing new here, but a friendly reminder that starting a Meditation practice each day is something that is absolutely needed in today’s life.

When you clear the trash in your mind to learn your inner landscape, that’s when you can really begin to work consciously with your energy and manifest your external world.

Learning your inner landscape, is like learning a new language, just start, and start with the basics.

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Use this tool to clear funky energy immediately

Every morning it is natural for me to check in with myself and feel where my energy is at, how it feels.
When it’s super funky and foggy, I put out a tool from my tool kit and apply it to increase my good feels.
This one is from an awesome man you may know – Wim Hof.

I follow my bodies lead and allow whatever I need to move through me;
– Yawning
– Burping
– Sighing
– Emotional Release
– Sound Release
– Physical Movements

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Wim Hof Video

Use this tool to shift old habits and funky energy

You know when you wake up in the morning (feeling like P Diddy), and you’re present to some funk. Not the dance kind, but the energetic kind.
Sometimes you sit with it, sometimes you can move it.
In this video I share a little of my funk and remind you how you can simply ask it what it needs. Simple right? Ya – I thought so too.

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Use this simple tool for Negative Self Talk

Here I share a super simple tool you can use every time you observe a negative thought, or witness a story you know is not true.

By doing so, you program your mind to chose the thoughts you want to align to.

This isn’t about negating what is, it’s about acknowledging it, and coming back to what you DO want. Simples. So it should be.

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Chat with Heidi here