to have a baby, or not to have a baby, that is the question…

The other day, upon receiving Mums care parcel, the craziest experience began to unfold.

As if a virtual delivery message was received with this tangible parcel, a communicative message deeper than can be understood began to envelope.

Just after Neil answered the door to the postman, who held with him, our parcel, I began to feel nauseous.  It was as if suddenly I needed to release a HUGE almighty burp from the pit of my belly, but I couldn’t.

We opened the parcel together – which was perfect.  Perfect because Neil is not usually home during the day.  The weather circumstances saw him home, resting.

Mum had told me she had written a letter to us.  An outlet of her thoughts post a very recent conversation we had had.

It was one of those beautiful conversations, that is absolute gold to share with your Mum.  That one magical person who accepts you entirely.  The topic – children.

My whole life, I have never been the kind of girl who has said that she’s wanted kids.  It’s never been on my agenda. Though equally – I have never cancelled it out either.  This conversation was about my age & stage in life, and whether or not I felt like this was really something I wanted.  At the age of 36.5 – one would say my ‘use by’ date is near approaching.

I’d shared my fears, thoughts, my current relationship status, with my Mum.  I put it all out on the table.  And as Mum does, in that Motherly nurturing way, she received my words and shared her wisdom.

And so after this conversation, and an equally beautiful one with another wise woman Mother, I have felt a profound shift of thoughts towards this topic.  So much so, I came to the conclusion that I felt kids were on the cards.  With this magnificient shift, shared my heart & placed these cards on the table for Neil to hold.

As our relationship is currently up for review – everything feels very much in the air.  Are we right for each other? We are so different.  Our interests are so different.  Our ideas are profoundly different… anyway, this journeys onto another story, so for the meantime, back with the original story…

I was feeling nauseous, so after opening Mums gifts; NZ Chocolate, a Kiwi t-shirt for Neil; A hand knitted cushion – sprayed with Mums scent, letter with thoughts about making babies, I needed to lay down.

I was breathing & burping and making a whole lota noise, trying to release what was now present for me in my body. After a good 10 minutes of this, Neil came to the bedroom to check on me.  I told him what was happening & he lay down to support me.  Another few minutes passed and the energy releasing turned into tears.  As usual, I wasn’t sure the reason behind the tears; I just go with it and allow them to flow.  Neil continued to hold me, checking in that I was ok.  They continued harder and deeper with their release.  As this was occurring – what was birthing was a profound sense of energy – this energy – so strong a presence, felt like that of a little being, informing us that he was choosing us to be his parents!  This beautiful profound spirit was making himself known that he would be coming into our lives!  I started communicating this this to Neil, but simply could not hold back the tears!  I continued to cry and cry…

Nearing the end of feeling this magical presence – I felt an amazing sensation – I can only liken to that of being pregnant!  Not that I know – but it felt wildly profound and very real.  I did purchase a pregnancy testing kit to double check – but the result was a negative.

So since then, Friday, I feel like I have opened up to a whole new level of communication with the world outside of what we perceive.

There are continued parts to this story that stray off on different tangents, but this is the one I feel most called to write about for now.

After reading the book, years ago – Winter Moon Rises, by Scott Blum – I always envisioned that if I was to ever have a baby, then I would connect with its soul firstly.  This experience alters the ‘idea’ of having a child as most of us know it.  It is wildly profound and connecting beyond this world than we could know.

This story is not finished yet, in fact it feels like the beginning of something, beyond the realms of simply (complexly) bringing a child into the world.