Since going live on this site and Facebook, it has drawn out a part of me. A scared timid part that was hiding. She’s so cleaver at hiding, I didn’t even know she was there. Maybe she was playing hide and seek and forget to tell me the rules?
I’d had a bit of a theme running in my background about being alone, actually if I’m really honest – about not feeling worthy enough to be loved. I had an amazing acupuncture session with Milton Lee last Thursday – and at the tail end of that session the water works exploded. He’d said that my heart & kidneys were not communicating with each other, that my heart was nervous. By the end of my time on his table, I was in tears having acknowledged this old untruth that I, many years ago had chosen to believe.
It’s funny you know – because it just goes to show the power of the human mind. I, adult self, Heidi, know this NOT to be true. I am surrounded by beautiful like minded people daily. I am very blessed. But this background belief, running so far from my consciousness, shapes the *reality* of the world I live in.
Ok – so it’s been on my mind – how much I would really love to meet someone, fall in love – and continue a bliss filled life together with them. I mean, I’m 35 years old now – this can’t be an unreasonable request can it? Friends around me are living it – why can’t I? “Because you’re not worthy of it” says the unconscious little voice somewhere in my brain. BOOM… Look what I am creating!
So where to from here, from this acknowledgement. Make a choice to change. But how? Noticing how I choose to show up in each moment of my day. Who am I being? What decisions am I making? Accepting people’s love and support.
It started last night with a visit to a friend. As I arrived she’d made me a hot water bottle and greeted me with a warm hug, and I openly accepted it. This morning, a Personal Training session with a Trainer to have her carry my towel & bottle from equipment to equipment. Mildly uncomfortable, but hints of warmth and support. Forgetting my wallet this morning and needing to ask a friend for a coffee, again a little uncomfortable – but if roles were reversed – what would I do for that friend?!
So the answer? I don’t need to know it all right now, just notice in each moment, how can I choose to accept something different for myself?
To accept love.