Heidi Firth My emergence back into the world is as beautiful and natural as the seasons of nature herself..
When life took a rapid shift from Ruby Bay to Blenheim, I felt a very definite ending and I truly wondered if I’d ever feel like doing anything ever again. It felt right to let go of the gym, to leave one area for another. It felt right to continue to follow my heart. It turns out all that happened, was the ending of one rather huge cycle. A cycle of survival. It’s only ever been me. At least since I moved out of home at 18. I have had to show up for myself over and over and over.
“When we shift from conforming to life’s outer world structures,
into aligning with our inner life, our souls ways,
the game changes.”
No longer can we ‘work for the man’. No longer can we work for money. No longer can we go against what feels right. This powerful shift changes how we live this wild and precious life.
When first lockdown happened, like many, I lost my job. However I received the government subsidy that only just got me by. Following that, I was able to receive a Job Seeker allowance due to the limited number of jobs in Queenstown > a tourist capital. In which there were zero.
My inner knowing felt the gift in this chapter of not being able to work. With all the ridiculous mandates in place, I felt at peace and as though my ‘JOB’ was to hold this frequency. Especially in a time there was not so much.
During this time, I really came to learn, understand and embody what it was to be. How by being me was a valuable gift. My value was not linked with a job, what I could do, my work ethic, my personality & traits. I was being valued to be.
I learnt more and more that I could trust this valuable presence and knowing within, and that I only ever needed to take action whilst staying aligned with this feeling. This felt revolutionary and as if I’d finally aligned with life’s true secret.
I eventually began to feel like doing something and found a part time gardening job. It still wasn’t truly what I wanted to be doing, but I needed to pay my bills. Lessons still unfolding.
Down the track, I had injured my back and needed to go on ACC support. I was unable to work in my gardening job. Injuring my back had brought up an old wound around not feeling ‘supported’. The fear that was being addressed through my injury and the need to receive ACC ‘support’, were loud. The physio prescribed exercises that had me ever so slightly change my posture to insure I was centered in my core unit. I’d been over using my spine and not my core unit. This physical shift was powerful to recognize how out I had been.
Healing happened and I returned back to work, but it wasn’t the same. It was a struggle as I integrated new movements and work slowly decreased due to the arrival of autumn. Stresses & struggles with money were very present and I had no idea what was next. During an Osteopathy session with a friend whilst addressing my back pain, a lot had arisen around returning to the work I loved, and that my time in Queenstown was coming to a end. It was so loud, and felt so right. At the time of the session, what had come through was a move back to Australia, and so this sat in the background. However a divine conversation with someone one morning highlighted the allure of the Nelson, Tasman region. Instantly that seed was planted and by the end of the day, I had made a decision to leave town.
Two weeks later, I had sold my possessions, and packed my life down. I head to Motueka without a plan, just a landing. I arrived in the beautifully still and peaceful Motueka Valley, to feel held and a sense of safety that was new. The drive north had me deep in reflection of how ‘for me’, Queenstown represented survival energy. Deep in the mountains I feel that it’s not a place where humans typically thrive. The land feels to lack fertility, with growing season spanning approx 3 months, and winters dark & cold, it’s beauty undeniable, but energetically – humans ‘fight’ to survive. It’s felt in many ways here. The rental markets, in businesses, in price points, in ways of being and caring for others. There are pockets of exceptions of course, however this is my perspective.
Upon landing in the valley, I felt zero inspiration towards ‘work’. It was concerning considering my situation (money). But I lent into trust and took inspired action when it presented.
When I moved to Kina Beach & met Karen and her small gym one day, followed by a meeting with a new friend afterwards, seeds were planted to go into business together. This felt like a long awaited dream come true. Little did I know what was to play out.
I definitely enjoyed being in action and participating in creating the foundation of a business being built. I just didn’t enjoy my financial struggles of barely being able to take care of my basic needs.
Why didn’t I get a job? Some would ask. Well I felt I’d reached the end of that tale. I was exhausted with working for others, trading time for money, just for money, and felt like it was my turn to do what I wanted to do. My work in the world. Turns out I had a large past life wound around this theme that had me believe I wasn’t able to do my work in the world. I also had a large poverty vow that I had relinquished all material possessions and financial wealth in the name of enlightenment. My outer world activating this out dated wound to be addressed and dissolved.
However the gym business felt as if it wasn’t flowing as much as it could. I was now living in a campsite, as i’d needed to move out of my Kina Beach home, and I was challenged with my business partner and how she was choosing to show up within our relationship.
Eclipse season had arrived, with messages to expect sudden change. After a weekend stay with Richi in his home in Blenheim, I left in absolute tears. Dreading returning to the above.
A divine conversation with a dear friend, reflected my situation, and the decision to be made at hand. Whilst it was difficult to bring the truth to light with my business partner, though it needed to be done. Again, within the space of week, I was making a move from A – B.
I’m now in Blenheim, and I’m feeling as if I couldn’t imagine ever supporting clients again. I’m feeling a ‘that’s it’ feeling. I handed it all over to rest in the infinite space of not knowing. Not knowing anything. Nothing. All that surrounds me is time and rest. I had the deepest winter rest. No snow to ride in. No money for adventures. Just me, Richi, Yuki and our local walks and sunroom. I didn’t accomplish anything. Actually I lie. I accomplished rest. I deeply rested.
Never in my life have I been able to rest and not need to do the things. As a single person, you often always need to work. You always need to cook. To look after oneself can be its own job. I have experienced beautiful chapters in my life where I have sunk into the medicine of stillness and not working. But this one was different. They’re all different, and hold their gifts. And I am now through this chapter. Wiser. Readier. The emergence is slow and in tune with nature. There is no need for haste or hurry.
My work is gently increasing week by week with a pause this week, but even that feels natural. I think of a flower blooming. Opening, contracting, opening, contracting. My inner knowing told me it was ok and she welcomed the pause, so I trust.
This chapter is new, it’s different. It’s deeply in tune & peaceful.
It takes time to shift from survival. From living life one way, into a new way. We must shed the old, complete cycles, surrender to the seasons. We have no road map, only our inner compass of knowing and trusting.
