Heidi Firth I am drawn to write about an interesting topic, I can’t say I’ve seen to much written on.
How do you deal/cope/work with, your partner, when he or she is dealing with the loss of a parent, or loved one?
This is coming up for me in my life right now, and I have reached a conclusion that I’m comfortable with, but thought it might be interesting to start a conversation.
My partner has been dealing with the loss of his Mother.
She passed away so suddenly, 65 years young, on 25 August 2014, not to long before I moved to Canada.
He has been the sole Executor of her Estate. Dealing with everything from the sale of her house, sale of her car, all of her finances, every single belonging in her home – including all photo albums, even down to his old baby clothing and toys. Everything.
It has only really been 2-3 weeks since we returned from Ontario, packing up all her possessions and shipping them back here to British Columbia. That is 7 months that he has been responsible for ALL of the above duties. 7 Months! Where is his time to grieve within that?
He has dealt with a niggly cough and a runny nose here and there, but really…
What does grief look like? Does it have a structure, and shape? I’m pretty positive it doesn’t.
Then it is only understandable his recent behavior and who he is choosing to be right now.
The past few weekends he has had fairly huge nights out with the boys, ending with a night on the couch, either here or at a friends. There have been long working days, facebook & internet trawling during non business hours, the odd snappy comment, all disbursed amoungst the odd moment of being. When these are out of reach, he is snoring wherever his head lays.
Perhaps this is grief for him?
Now, I’ve been going through my process of judging this. Initially thinking “come on! deal with your emotions!”
Just like with my clients, I cannot have an agenda for how he chooses to deal with his. But internally, I have had.
What comes up for me, is I miss all the beautiful interactions that I share with him, when he is present and free from his pain. Loving intimacy, fun & laughter, joy & playfulness. It can be easy for me to point the finger and judge him thinking; this, that, or the other isn’t happening, point my finger at him to deal with his stuff!
But this is a relationship, sometimes there will be challenging ebb & flow between joy, sadness, laughter and discomfort.
As he disappears into his world of distraction, perhaps this is an invitation for me to lean into my power and strength and support him. Loosing my agenda to what I wish for, and simply being in the moment of discomfort with him. I have been doing this on occasion, and notice it does require strength and grande self care. I often need to excuse myself for walks, meditation or time out when I need – this has been SO important.
I am acknowledging this more as I write. This is not the work that returns a pat on the back, or large shinny accolade. It is truly life and who we choose to be for each other through its various stages.
After my years of self development work, learning to love myself and take care of myself, I am only too aware how selfish this has made me. Being selfish is not a bad thing, though when it stops us from loving and caring for those around us, then we need to re-establish new patterns for being. I think this is my current lesson.
One day the tables may turn, and I might find myself in his position, with him feeling the same way I am right now.
Life and it’s magical Ebb & Flows.
How have you dealt with emotional challenges within your close relationships? I’d LOVE to hear your experiences.
Please leave a comment below to share a discussion xx
