the partying, the drinking, the self loathing…

I didn’t understand why I did the things I did. The partying, the drinking, the self loathing, the weekend binges of party drugs & dancing. The high intensity gym junkie addictions, my food binges & more self loathing.

I didn’t understand why I was drawn to work with a Practitioner & dive into the rabbit hole of my subconscious. It made little sense to me, yet I showed up each week to sit in session with Vanessa. She would ask questions that made zero sense to me, my mind would whirl with questions, thoughts, chaos.

One day, early on in our therapeutic relationship, I asked Vanessa, “is it normal that I feel uncomfortable in my sessions with you?”
She replied, “absolutely normal”. And so I continued on.

Today it is 20 years on from that initial therapeutic relationship, and now I see clearly.

I see clearly that my soul was guiding me to look within. There was a pull from the depths that had me show up week after week after week. It felt uncomfortable, but there was something in it. Some sort of magnetic force that had me committed.

4 years on, that magnetic force continued in strength. My personal training business slowly came crashing down, as did the identity that I’d created with it. I no longer had the self confidence to recruit & service clients, and so I entered into a long phase of depression as my self created life, crumbled.

Basic activities got harder. Exercising, socialising, being active & optimistic. I would find myself crying on the floor most evenings, struggling to get up in the mornings, and generally struggling with life. I wanted out.

I didn’t know what was happening with me, so I searched the internet for anything I could find, but to no avail. It was 2007 and personal development sites and articles were few and far between.

I’d caught word of a local Therapist who was supporting others from my college, I reached out to her for help.

I had entered a very dark night of the soul. There was no light. No happiness. No joy. Only darkness. Karen held space for me for the next 1.5 years as I stumbled in that darkness. Her therapies supporting me to learn what my murky subconscious was up to.

The pain I’d suppressed from my sexual abuse as an 8 year old. All the stories I’d created around this. My unworthiness, shame, fear & the whole grey spectrum of the underworld. These feelings were so stuck, they’d created my ‘deep-rest’ state. I’d been a fast train heading nowhere, and it was clearly time to heal my past.

It felt like I was dying, that all the life in me had been sucked out, but I had no where to hide. I wanted to check out, but knew that I couldn’t do that either.

About 2.5 years on from the initial crumbling of my self created identity, I feel like I emerged back out into life. There were windows of light, hope & a sense of feeling good again. I felt re-birthed & renewed, it was time to learn to walk again.

Sitting 20 years ahead of this monumental time in my life, I now know how imperative it was that I experienced that profound Dark Night. If I hadn’t, I was on a fast train going nowhere, and god knows where that would’ve taken me? Years after I pulled through my cocoon, it was time to heal on a physical level. I started seeing a Traditional Chinese Medicine Practitioner. I was having issues with my digestion & had placed myself on a gluten free diet, but things weren’t right. Some months into our relationship, Milton asked me if I had a history of party drugs. He could tell the issues in my system were due to this.

If I hadn’t spent 4.5 years seeing him, healing my spleen chi & suppressed Yin energy, I could’ve had more serious physical illness to deal with.

Life has a profound way of guiding us down paths we need to travel. It may not be clear at the time why, it may be going against what we ultimately want for ourselves at the time, but the Universe is following our ultimate divine plan. What we want, wants us. We simply need to surrender & trust.

The timing of our desires isn’t always up to us. It’s a dance, a to-ing & fro-ing of action vs receptivity, dancing with our masculine & feminine energies within. Our moments of creating our dreams & desires are a journey of the soul. Weaving between realms & experience that make us human, yet connected to our infinite nature. Trust the process, and find wise souls who can support you & enjoy the unfolding dance of life.

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