2017 is here, 2016 fades, and I’m learning to find my words again.
For me, 2016 still lingers, like a bad smell that won’t quit. A reminder of the epic lessons thrown at me. The relentless pummeling, like being dumped in a massive surf break that appears as endless as an Australian Summer.
Last year was a massive year of endings, lessons, transformations, challenges & every other color in between that. I was forced to let go of anything and everything I knew to be true, AND, any form of external safety or security I had created.
I found myself living in Bali for the full duration, with a brief trip to Australia for a visa run. Other than that, it was life in a Silent Retreat for 8.5 months, followed by life in Ubud, Bali.
In hindsight now, I can see that I simply needed to make the decision to be here, rather than leave decisions to the wind and magically hope that Bali would simply provide everything I could need. But hindsights are always that aren’t they, seeing life clearly once you’ve been on the rollercoaster ride of life adventure.
It was scary being here. Scary in the not knowing, it still is. Of surrendering to the fact that we are not control. I struggle with this dance. Of choosing a direction and trusting that I will be supported in it. I think I am still holding the scars from the last time I trusted this process. Leaving Australia for Canada, and then leaving Canada for New Zealand. I’m smart ya know – I do understand that life is about experiences – adventure. Successes and Failures. But today I acknowledge *yet again* the pain of hurt in my heart from something that ended so abruptly.
So I struggle to choose something and trust. Hence the non choosing of my life here in Bali. To just wander and drift and hope that life would show up for me. And it has, I have constantly been provided for. Amazing friends & family who have provided accommodation, food & listening loving ears whenever I have needed.
But this way of living has invited a sense of hopelessness, a mistrust within myself that I didn’t hold the power to make anything happen, that I was at the complete mercy of life to carry me where I needed to go. Even today I still feel like this. Just having finished a conversation with a new friend in a coffee shop, I still feel powerless to life.
I know no one knows where they are going, but I for one feel like I’m leading the party on the mission to no where. Sometimes I feel like I have it right, and everyone else has it wrong. Because we aren’t going anywhere, we are only here. Right here, right now. In fact to think we are going anywhere else but here is laughable!
“Want to make god laugh? Tell him your plans.”
But my lesson of the year, is one of trust & co-creation. Of working with the law of attraction to make the desirable occur. I want a home. I have to choose a home. Sounds basic right? Yes. But I’ve lacked the fundamental self belief that I am worthy of anything, so therefore chose to not choose anything. And because I chose nothing, then nothing showed up, despite me wanting stuff. I was in-congruent with my core belief – “I’m not worthy.” So keep attracting more of not being worthy. Ouch!
I’m on the final straight of this doozy of a lesson. I am SO done with believing I am not enough, it serves NO ONE!
Yes – I have chosen that I want a home & am actively searching. It is taking it’s sweet time for sure, but I’m putting it down to the right one making it’s way to me. I am receiving messages that this lesson is near completion, that I have done the work, and that now it’s about letting go and allowing the final completion to occur with gratitude for all it’s wonder and juiciness.
I gave thanks to my dear Sista – Samaya last night, she has opened up her home to me & has made me feel nothing but welcome. I said to her, if this is the final hurrah of this lesson, I’ve been given such a wonderful opportunity by sharing such quality time with her.
Forgive my writing, but I’m still finding my writing pants – I think I have lost them from the constant bed hopping that I’ve been participating in. Writing feels like I am swimming in an alphabet stew and cannot connect the correct letters, let alone words, to put together. I used to find writing & blogging so easy – but currently it’s like trying to swim to the surface after being pummeled by those said waves in the beginning.
This is an Osho card reading I gave myself last night. Depicting the situation at hand.
1 – The Issue – Consciousness
2 – What I’m present to internally – Innocence
3 – What needs to happen externally – Letting Go
4 – What is currently happening – Transformation
5 – The Outcome – Completion
3 of these cards being Major Arcana Cards – representing BIG lessons at play.