Life after psychosis

If you know me, or read my posts, you’ll know that some time ago I packed up my life in Sydney, Australia, to follow love and a Canadian calling.

I’ve written about this here.  It was such an adventurous, exciting time in my life with memories that I will cherish forever.

Recently, I’ve started writing more in depth about my experience of what happened during my final week in Canada that saw me wind up home in New Zealand.  I wrote a little about that here.

But this writing is more an attempt to articulate the experience of psychosis.  It’s a word that I’ve heard dabbled around a bit lately, and strangely many people have experienced.  I’ve taken this repetition as a calling to put pen to paper and explore the extremities of this phenomena.

The definition of psychosis;
a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.

Yup – I dealt with this for about 5 days before normalizing out thanks to Chinese Medicine.  Neil too had to deal with this, in me.  It’s a scary arse experience to go through.  There is no concept of right or wrong, only an extreme experience one is having and trying to cope and function with.  I have been trying to make sense of this and the ending of our relationship since it happened in October 2015. Parts of it still feel very real, and parts of it I wonder if my brain made up?

I have described my experience to friends as extreme consciousness.  Where my consciousness felt SO expanded, way past any pre-experienced states.  So to feel the extent of what I felt, I don’t think was wrong.  I think it is well within the realm of what humans are capable of.  But to much to fast, invites the mind to create stories to try to cope with what it’s experiencing.  Also unlocking the subconscious, releasing old patterns to transform them into some new.  All filters removed, all pre-existing ways of being melt away allowing for complete and utter transparency.

Like the experience of communicating with multiple ‘people’ through the one person.  While talking to Neil, I felt like I was talking to many different people.  I could distinguish this based on his tone, his mannerisms, his language.  The energy of that person was coming through him.  People from my current reality, like my Mum, to people already past, like Neils Mum, or my Grandad.  With the notion that we all are one – why would an experience like this not be reality?

Writing about it is confronting.  It brings up old memories.  It’s touching on my relationship with Neil yet again.  I feel stormy and emotional just writing about it.

So why write about it?
– I feel like it’s important to bring all uncovered yuckiness to the surface to look at in the light of day.  Sure my relationship might be over on a physical level, but if I am still being activated by old memories and thoughts, its means there’s still residue to clear.  Old emotional baggage to put out with the trash.  I’m sad for the way it ended.  I’m sad that it didn’t resolve.  It feels like a death without a farewell or ceremony.  That shit lingers on in the psyche and energy body until it is cleared, and until it is, it’s like a ghost that will keep coming back to haunt.

So it’s not easy going over old ground again – having a good hard look at a difficult chapter.  But I have to.  I have to so I can continue moving forward, and maybe my writing might be entertaining.  There are definitely some funny parts to it…

…like the story where I thought Andrew and Neil were Men In Black agents, protecting me from the Aliens.  I thought Aliens were trying to kill me and bury me in the big dug out trenches around the condo.  On a real life level, the water pipes were being dug up and replaced, but to me, they were digging my grave.  It was so fucken scary!  Black shiny cars pulling up, (or maybe regular cars?) lingering around and then taking off.  I trusted Neil, and felt like I trusted Andrew – but my phone went missing and I saw Andrew display reptilian tendency’s, so I freaked out!

This Alien energy was that, an energy!  It could jump from person to person and sometimes I would lock Neil out of the house because I was that scared.  I would make him shower immediately to wash away any residue he’d collected from being out in the world.  I would sage the house and set it up with Angelic protection to keep us safe and protected – this was absolutely imperative.

So I’m writing about stories like this and more.

Neil later told me that dealing with me during this week was harder than him dealing with the death of his Mother – ouch.  That boy dropped me off in New Zealand, then went running (flying) back home to Canada, grateful to see the back of me.  Credit to him he packed up the remainder of my belongings and shipped them to New Zealand.  When I packed in Canada for New Zealand, my brain didn’t have the capacity to think forward to what was happening.  I packed my bag thinking New Zealand and then…  I never thought that was it between him and I.

Fast forward 1 year, 4 months as I sit in my little space in the Lodtunduh, Ubud.  I am grateful for the smallest things.  To cook my own food, to hang my clothes, to be warm and dry.  Nothing else really seems to matter than this right now.  Of course the Earth – but that’s another conversation.  Right now my mind can’t seem to stretch to big things.  I’m here.  I’m loving me.  And I’m returning back to a healthy space of love and appreciation for the little things in life.  Life is simple and enjoyable.  Just Molly & Me.