A Cathartic Winter

My last post was on 16 May.  3 Months ago!  What a 3 months it has been.  Nothing short of small.  I don’t know about you, but from what I’ve heard from the collective – it has been a cathartic time.  Everyone has been experiencing great change in their own way.

Me.  Mine has been very internal.  If you’ve seen me, I might look calm, composed, or maybe even a bit quiet/reserved.  But internally it’s looked like The Tower card from the Tarot Card set.

A Cathartic Winter - The Tower

I’ve mostly been journaling my thoughts, keeping them to myself, which has helped me shift what is circling internally, moving it outwards.  Always important.  Wim Hof breathing has been a consistent, and being a Hermit has felt oh-so-right.

As mentioned in my previous post, I went through a death.  So my understanding is that through this Winter period, that phase continued.  When you think about Winter – what thoughts do you conjure?  I think of Bears hybinating.  Taking time out to sleep, rest, restore.  Call me a Bear.

It’s only with this newness of Spring energy that I am beginning to take steps out of my cave.  2 steps forward, 1 step back.  A little tentative and new on foot.  Feeling slightly awkward and uncomfortable in social settings.  1 step back.

Old ways have been shed.  Ways that I knew myself to be for so long.  I don’t quite know what to expect now.  I’ve been visioning for the past month – feeling into what I wish to create.  Law of Attraction states this will be so.  Feeling my inner landscape and living aligned to my self, not getting swept up in my physical reality as that is just passing through as change is shed.

I’ve been rewiring thoughts, choosing me more and more.  In moments where I would send love to someone, I am choosing to redirect it to me first.  I’ve been a needy bugger.  Often looking for love external of myself, we all do don’t we?  I’ve found this new.  I want to give so much in order to be loved in return, but this pattern seems to have pushed people away.

So I’m in the midst of this change.  Choosing me irrespective of the other.  Becoming more self sufficient.  Becoming so attractive in my own love, that love from another wouldn’t even matter.  Of course welcome, but irrelevant.  You know what?  It feels yummy!  It’s not conditional, it is constant.  Always available.  There is great peace here.

I am learning to walk again, holding this valuable gift, vulnerable to the old ways wanting to trick me back.  This is why I’ve been absent on Facebook.  I’ve wrapped myself up gently, and am holding myself sacred.  Emerging out slowly, to experience and integrate only when I want.

I have some big visions brewing.  They require great change.  I’ve been preparing myself, shedding old ways to make way for these new vibrations.  It is so tremendously exciting… I’m on the right track, I know it.  Such a welcome relief.

A Cathartic Winter - The Fool & The Sun

If you’re interesting in exploring this topic more deeply, connect with me;

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Chat with Heidi here

My trip to Sydney and its death cycle

It’s been four days since I landed back on home soil in New Zealand.

My trip to Australia was a significantly big one.

Externally it may not have looked like it.  But internally, a lot was moving.

Before I left I wasn’t feeling excited about it.  In fact, I could’ve easily not gone.  But that wasn’t an option, there were things to do and people to see, I was going.

I wrote a Facebook post here, as I was waiting at Queenstown Airport.  Sharing my thoughts about how I feel Airports create a definitive ending and beginning.  Well this trip didn’t disappoint.

I had an amazing time in Sydney.  I hired a Van, kitted out with everything.  They even upgraded me, so to my surprise I had a gas cook top, all the cookware, a kitchen sink with running water and even a fridge!  The bench seats expanded out into a huge bed, and there were curtains around the whole van, which created such privacy – I felt safe and contained wherever I went.

It was such a convenience having this van.  It enabled me to go where I wanted and sleep there also – I highly recommend it as a form of travel.  Check out hippie campers should it call you.

I found myself in South Curl Curl for a number of nights.  It was where a number of my friends were close to, and it was next to my old local hood.  It made sense and it felt comfortable for me to be back there, not to mention the beach was nearby.

Even so, being back on familiar land, upon going to sleep, I still need to introduce myself to the land, the native or local spirits and let them know I was there for a night or two.  I don’t know you about you, but when I sleep somewhere new, I am often greeted by the curiosity of local energies – poking and proding me to test who I am and what business I have being on their land.

My trip continues, a dear friends wedding, a trip to the Blue Mountains to deal with stuff I left behind, visits to more dear friends, ocean swimming, coastal walks, catching up on life and times that seem to past in the blink of an eye.  I was enjoying myself, but could feel a discomfort and sadness making herself known.

Fast forward, when I returned back to New Zealand.  That deep sadness had crept in.  From the moment I landed at Queenstown Airport, I could feel my tears behind my eyes.  I was feeling very on my own.  No messages to greet me home.  A billion questions from customs.  7 degrees.  No one to pick me up.  No bus for the next half hour.  No biggie usually, but everything was triggering my sadness.  I sat at the cold bus stop and cried.

For the rest of that evening and the next day, oddly – it felt like none of my friends were available.  Everyone was busy, everyone doing life in their own way.  I felt alone, unsupported and very very emotional.

What I came to understand, is that whilst in Sydney.  I tapped back into that old Heidi.  The old version of myself that lived and existed in there.  The single gal, independent, the can do anything attitude, the one who lived her days in her own world doing her own thing.  Between this time in Sydney – until these days in QT – I’ve grown into a new version of myself.  I’d like to think, one with a lot more meaning, depth and compassion.

My sadness was a shedding of this old self.  Like a snake would shed its skin (funny now I am remembering my snake dreams before leaving NZ).  I was experiencing the old me, from the current me’s perspective.  She was a smaller version of myself.  Feeling so alone, disconnected and small in comparison.

I continued to sit in the discomfort of what I was feeling, and uncomfortable it was.  There have been no shortage of tears these past days.  In fact I had such a powerful crying session the other day, it required a nap afterwards.

I’ve been feeling discomfort in social situations, discomfort with my own presence.  An energy in my body that I couldn’t shift or shake no matter my acknowledgement.  This needed a natural evolution of release that takes it’s time as per nature’s way.

Yesterday, Tuesday, Angelo and I went for a hike up Wye Creek – a particularly powerful area.  Filled with spirit and life.  The depth here palpable and undeniable.

We ventured to our own areas near the waterfall, with the intention of doing some Wim Hof breathing and cold immersion.  I wasn’t brave enough for the cold immersion – but I dove into my breathing.  I burped, spat, yawned, shook and purged so much energy my mind couldn’t fathom what was happening.  All I know is, I was releasing and shedding what I no longer needed.

When I go through these seemingly crazy releases, I often think of a few things.  How our bodies are innately wise, how our ego’s have the ability, through conditioning, to shield or block us from connection, how nature is there to be our constant teacher.

In summary – I’ve been through/am completing yet another Death cycle.  After reading Women Who Run with Wolves – Hunting: When the Heart Is a Lonely Hunter – my attention is brought to Skeleton Woman: Life/Dealth/Life Nature of Love Cycles.  I am so wildly fascinated by her.

In this context within this story, Clarissa writes;

“In order to create this enduring love, one invites a third partner to the union.  The third partner is Skeleton Woman.  She is also called Lady Death, and as such, she is the Life/Death/Life nature in one of her many guises.  In this form, Lady Death is not a disease, but a diety.
In a relationship she has the role of the oracle who knows when it is time for ycesl to begin and end.  As such, she is the wildish aspect of the relationship, the one of whom men are most terrified… and sometimes woman also, for when faith in the transformative has been lost, the natural cycles of increase and attrition are feared as well.”

In essence, what I understand is, that in order to experience life and love relationships to their fullest, all parties need to embrace the Death Cycle in their sphere.  Without it, life is void of meaning and remains surface level without fulfillment or satisfaction.

It is not an easy or comfortable thing to face death head on.  I believe if we did still as a society we wouldn’t have the sickness that we see.  People would live more balanced satisfied lives in all facets.  Love, Relationships, Health, Work, Sex, Family… but sadly it is a forgotten way or feared way.

A part of me died upon returning home to New Zealand.  A part of my psyche, an old way of being that was no longer serving me in the world, in the life I want to create, and so in letting her go, I needed to grieve a loss.  I needed to purge her on an emotional, mental & spiritual level.

It is time to reawaken our ways of being, of innate connection with our land and the nature Life/Death/Life nature cycles.

 

If you’re interesting in exploring this topic more deeply, connect with me;
Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here
Chat with Heidi here

Join me in Queenstown this Saturday for Intro to Energetic Self Care

sydney death cycle

Clearing Entities + Building an Energetic Self Care Practice

I had a conversation recently with a colleague, and we acknowledged how good we are both feeling, and that it feels like we have finally pulled through something.  I can’t even begin to explain this, it is wonderful!  It is extremely wonderful to finally feel SO good!

I feel filled with anticipation for the time ahead.  I don’t know exactly what this is, but I can feel it, I have intentions, there are conversations – and if these represent what is coming, it’s going to be amazing!  We’re talking road trips, travel, health, empowerment and location independence with love by my side.

But yesterday, I came home from work, and needed to rest, I felt depleated.

When I got to my room, short of falling asleep, I was drawn to meditate.  I needed to clear the hectic energy I’d picked up from the store.  A few minutes into it, I felt really bleeeehhh, heavy, nauseous, like I was processing something heavy.  But because I know how good I’ve been feeling, I KNEW this wasn’t mine to process.  I tuned in a little more, and it became apparent I’d picked up some filthy entity along the way, that jumped on for a ride.  Bleeeeehhh!  I demanded it leave immediately, making way for it to leave with light, an abundance of sage and intention.  Filthy Fucker!  Excuse me – but it was disgusting!  This is not the first time I have cleared an entity from my being, but maybe one of the first that has felt so yuck.

It really reminds me the importance of energetic self care, and how we need to come to know our own energy, so that we don’t allow these entities to jump aboard for free rides.

What this shows up as, is feeling less than our bright shiny selves.  It might make us feel bad, uncomfortable, emotional, unmotivated, and not even know why?

So I cleared that filthy fucker and immediately began to express audible sighs of relief as I returned to my feeling good buzz.

So this leads onto the topic of energetic self care, a present one with friends.

It took me a long time to build my energetic self awareness.  I had to deal with the discomfort of supermarkets and malls, of demanding customers and students – and multiple uncomfortable conversations.  I had to integrate my learnt communication skills to protect myself moment to moment.  That coupled with a meditation practice, showed me my inner landscape.  It took time.  I liken it to running a marathon.  You can’t run a marathon without first training for one.  You start slowly, building up your cardiovascular fitness and endurance.  You have a training programme that supports you in getting there.

The same goes for building your energetic self awareness, you have to start with the first step of training.  Haha – I just had an image of Mr Miyagi in Karate Kid.

clearing entities + building an energetic self care practice

 

 

 

 

The most necessary first step I would suggest is;

Start a Meditation Practice

Come to know your inner landscape.  Your innermost thoughts, how your energy sits in your body.  If it is new to you, start with just 5 minutes per day, build up your consistency.  Focus on your breath.  Watch your in and out breaths.  Don’t even worry about trying to clear your mind.  Just give yourself a focus point.  Acknowledge any and all fears or blocks you may have from starting your practice.  Anything to do with preconceived ideas about how you think it should be.  It will be perfect and exactly how it is.  We don’t preplan a conversation with a friend or colleague before we enter into it, it is perfect in the very moment it is happening.  Meditation is the same.  Just start and breathe.

You can watch my video here – for further information.

Start with this practice as the first step.

If you already have a practice, I’d love to share the benefits you receive.
If you’re looking at starting one, I’d love to hear how you’re enjoying it.

Please feel free to send me a DM, I love hearing from you.

Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here
Chat with Heidi here

 

the wolves have returned

it’s 17 december.

we are days away from 2017 being no more.

it’s easy to remember that this year has been tumultuous!

i think the only reason why i am remembering, is because all the feels have come flooding back, i feel like i have somehow transported back in time to how i’ve felt most of this year.

this year has been relentless.

relentless in lessons, in unfolding layers of muck and untruths.  a general supersized spring clean out that has been overdue since eternity.  who knows how many lifetimes this heaviness has been weighing my soul down for?

see, that’s just it isn’t it?

we are not merely dealing with our here and now.  what we see in front of our eyes.

we are deep diving, and clearing out the trash of our past.

our grand mothers mother, and maybe even her grand mothers mother – where does it begin or end?

so when asked, what is wrong?  it has been common to not know.  to shake our heads, as if surrendering to the higher power orchestrating this dance.  for we are merely vessels to direct and hone this light body.  it’s easy to forget.

our work surpasses what we think we are here to complete.  we are more than the conversations that take place each moment.

my energy shifts your energy.  your energy shifts my energy.  we are one.

and so, as these feels return, i am reminded of the work that i committed to, and what i am witness to is moving through me.

an ancient wisdom returning, remembering, connecting to all that is, greater than my ego can understand.  oh ego – dear little ego.

new beginnings have arrived.

it IS the dawn of a new era.

there are more of us than ever before.  ready.  hungry.

there has never been a time like there is right now.

the wolves have returned, and we’re coming in numbers.

we bring hope of new life!

 

how these tiny words will change your life || guru tip #1

Language is powerful, words can change your life.  They have the capacity to tear a person down, or build them up.

Words illustrate how someone feels about them self, their beliefs in life, their fears, conditioning, patterns that play out, just to name a few.

Here are 3 examples from a sea of many;

1. TRY (in the context of a commitment to a task or goal)
I consider the word try, to be a swear word – actually that’s really just something I heard elsewhere, but it stuck. If someone says they will ‘try’ to do xyz, be sure that they are not 100% committed to the outcome.
There is either CAN or CANNOT – there is no try. Try is a cop out of a word that means you don’t have the integrity to say yes or no and own your commitment completely.
Notice WHY you might not want to commit to a solid CAN or CANNOT. Build your integrity by communicating any resistance you might have.

2. SORRY
The word sorry, usually learnt through conditioning. Have you noticed how often you say sorry? Why do you say it, and do you really mean it.
It is way over used and used far to inappropriately.
Dig a little further and ask WHY you or others use it. The initial answer may be ‘I don’t know’, but dig behind that.
Often it can represent a fear we have for getting in the way or feeling like we aren’t enough.
Challenge yourself to not say it when you usually would. What comes up for you?

3. Think vs Feel
When listening to your response, or another’s response to a question or conversation. Note whether you say “I think, or I feel” as the starting sentence. When we say Think – it usually means our answer comes from the head with something we already know or think we know. When we say Feel – it usually means our answer has come from within our heart or body.
Depending on the context of the conversation – our response can denote where our answer has come from and the potential truth of it. Our bodies never lie. Our heads are pretty practiced at it.

Neither is right or wrong, just all lessons to enhance our listening skills and be open exploration.

For further tools to support exploration of your words and thoughts, read Transform Your Thoughts, Transform Your Life available here.

change your life

Conversations on sex and self pleasure

Conversations recently are beginning to amp around the topic of sex and relationships.  Perhaps it’s that Venus has recently been in Retrograde, so she’s been digging up all the stuff we needed to release and transform, preparing us for another step forward in the journey of self love and awareness.

I’m loving it, because some beautiful experiences have recently come my way.  A beautiful intimate experience with another and satisfying conversations with girl friends, breaking down the aftermath of insights preceding it.  It’s touched on a really deep desire to talk about and explore the intricate nature that are intimate relationships.

From the conversations had with another, to the nitty gritty of what happens in the bedroom.  What this comes down to I believe, is that it’s not a topic we have been encouraged to explore and learn about since the day we were old enough to understand, what is sex & where do babies come from?

I was given a picture book which illustrated dogs and puppies to humans and babies, my girlfriend nods in acknowledgement that she too was given a book.  We’re taught in school that girls get periods and to put a cotton tampon in your vagina each month and BAM that’s pretty much it, oh and to take the contraceptive pill if you’re sexually active.

There’s no information about about moon cycles, red tents, TSS – toxic shock syndrome, how to manage emotions, the emotional healing and clearing of the month, and forget about the magical wonder of being a Woman.  (I don’t mean to section out Men right now.  I do think there should be the equal education for Men, however at present I am reflecting on my personal story to date – as, I am a Woman).

We’re not taught about female pleasure, orgasms, yin/yang energy, kissing, boundaries or the importance of communication and the differences between Males and Females.  Think Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.  Nope, it’s just a make things up as you go kinda deal.  Which really, is life in general, learning to fly as you’re building the plane.  I’m not finger pointing or making our parents or teachers wrong, just merely pointing out the ‘what if’ it was different?

What if we were taught?  What if, we start teaching now?

I am sure that I am not the only one who grew up not having a clue about any of this.  I remember discovering my orgasm by accident and feeling such guilt that I had touched myself to do so.  It took me years to remove that self created pattern from my body.

They say that only about 57% of Woman can orgasm through intercourse, and can only orgasm through direct clitoral stimulation.  I personally believe there’s a whole underground to uncover here.  One of the main themes being of shame and worth.  Shame and worth to receive pleasure.  To allow the expansive nature of surrender and receive from your partner.  This merely being the trigger to unlock the depth of generational wounding from our history as Woman.  No wonder period pain is classified ‘normal’ in this day and age.

Let me make it clear that period pain is NOT normal!

Even now my conversations with my girlfriends still hold an element of feeling like we don’t have the power to state what it is that we like and don’t like.  There seems to be this age old pattern of the Man initiating the act, and leading the sex the way he likes it, we simply follow and often times feel unsatisfied afterwards.  We don’t say anything because quite likely, we simply do not know what it is we like, or are fearful to ask for what we want, so we follow the grain and do what we’ve always done.

I am grateful that I’ve been exploring my personal pleasure for a while now, and have learnt what I like.  I’ve learnt a lot about my body, and the intricacies of subtle energy and how they beautifully play together.  I know my body, and I will always continue to learn.  But who knows this stuff if 1) it’s not taught, or 2) you haven’t taken the initiative to explore yourself?  Perhaps it’s the ever curious adventurous Sagittarian in me that is on the quest for more, more, more?!

So now fast forward, into the adults that we’re meant to be.  Collectively there is this conversation that is happening about the Men not doing xyz, not being present, not communicating, not being available etc etc… But the way I see it is, how are we not working together?  I feel like in each moment, we are only ever learning, and if we’re not open to learning and being vulnerable, well then your mind is filled with preconceived ideas about a thing which is based on your agenda or an outcome you want.  Therefore missing the beauty that is really unfolding in that very moment.

Every conversation and relationship is but a step forward in our own personal evolution of self.  To come away from an interaction with thoughts about what the other didn’t do, or wasn’t available to do, is only a mirror for our own self to explore.  99% of the time.

So where does it all start?

Personal development, self time and reflection and yes physical exploration.  What do you like, what don’t you like AND can you communicate that to your partner.  What arises in the act of this?

Fear, embarrassment, hurt, pain… What a wonderful pot of mud to jump in and explore.  Maybe on the precipice of it, it may not look it beautiful, but Ooooohhhh the Ooooooh at the other end of it will be well worth your time.  Believe me!

I’ll leave you with some links for wonderful people already out in the world doing this work;

Layla Martin
John Wineland

So much love x

conversations on sex

7 takeaways I’ve learnt from living in Bali

Living in Bali is a common conversation topic had frequently amongst friends. We often share similar themes for living on this magical island of the gods.

There are however exceptions to these themes, as there are different pockets of people who live here.  All of which will experience Bali in their own magical way.  But these themes appear to be the generic topics I experience with my network.

Perhaps I’ll break it down;

1.  You come to Bali to heal, for your own personal journey

It’s not called the island of the gods for nothing.  There is a palpable energy here than is felt by all, and if you don’t feel it, you will on a deeper subconscious level.

Ubud, Bali is an epicenter for healing.  From Yoga, to Meditation, to Traditional Balinese Healers, Gong Sessions, Sound Therapy, Massage, Water Temples, Ecstatic Dance Parties, to sitting in silence at a silent retreat.  Bali has an abundance of modalities to welcome all spiritual seekers back to their truth.
Whether we know this is why we are here or not, there is a reason why people come to Bali.

I personally believe deep down we are lost, trying to find our way back home, the home within ourselves.  We’ve lost connection with our land, our people, our tribe.  Sure we call it backpacking or holidaying, I think we are lost and trying to find our way home in some way.  Bali facilitates that.  With it’s wild nature, and beautiful heart-centered people, it shows us a simpler way of living.  Bali brings us back to ourselves gently, or not so gently depending upon how you receive her guidance.

2.  You are faced with your money issues, your families money issues and your generational money issues

Now this one I am speaking for myself and some of my friends who share the same story.  This isn’t everyone’s truth and I’m aware that I don’t wish for this to become my truth, but it is mega interesting that many people struggle here.

For one, working here is illegal, so jobs are few, and working online can be limited.  Many digital nomads set themselves up in co-working spaces.  That’s one pocket of individuals I’m not tapped into.  I did think I was going to go down this road, and 9 months ago signed up to an online Digital Marketing company.  I was determined and positive that this was aligned to me and what I was bringing into the world, but as I got deeper and deeper into the online lessons, I learnt that it moved me further and further away from my values and what I wanted to bring to the world.

There are many layers of conditioning that I’ve needed to disassemble to teach me I can do the work I value in the world, and make money.  This is a whole topic unto itself I could write a separate blog on.
I’ve had to learn to shift from a fear based way of living, into a heart centered.  In the west we have our jobs, our 9-5, our salary and benefits.  These are great and supportive and enable us to build the lives we have, BUT, are these jobs 100% the creation of ours souls desire?  Chances are if you were to break it down, it likely wouldn’t be.  You might find it to be the cultivation of your fears, driving you to the creation of the cushy supportive job that gives you the run off of stuff and things that makes you feel a certain way.  This isn’t bad or wrong, it’s just conditioning.  Until we begin to question, we only know what we only know.

I’ve had to face the harsh discomfort of having nothing.  No money, no stuff, no things, peeling away all the layers of built up fear, face the underlying drivers behind why I’ve done what I’ve done, to build a new foundation to move into the world with.  That shits not easy, and it’s not for everyone, but it’s something that my soul guided me to undergo.

I’m not bound by interest rates, home loans, expensive assets, expensive toys, rents and monthly internet, netflix or electricity bills.  I’ve found freedom.  I know I am but one person, not a family, but these money lessons have been the hugest to date.

I now see through the cracks of society and how it’s all one massive orchestrated control fest.  Rats on a never ending wheel of working to live, living to work.  Being educated the value of a career, to earn high wages, to own the nice house and car, losing sight of the real abundance in this lifetime.  The soil, the planet, our health.  Again a whole blog post could be written here.

3.  Completing tasks that are easy at home, are hard as shit to complete here

This is as crazy as it sounds.  Seriously.  It has taken my friend 5 months to create a flyer for her business.  From working with a graphic designer to edit an existing flyer template, to paying her, to getting it to the printers, has been one crazy laughable ride.  The funny thing is, it’s away perfect.  There is a flow, a yin based way of living here.

It’s like you have to throw your intention to the wind, wait like a boomerang for it to return to your thoughts, before moving forward in action towards it.  Try going to the post office for example; something so simple and easy in any other part of the world.  Here, you have to find your available pocket of time to go, navigate the extreme tourist traffic, find a bike park, await your turn – often a good chunk of time, ensure you have your ID, all required items to post and money.  Because this is Bali, chances are, one day you’ll forget your ID, another day, the post office will be closed, and another – you’ll miraculously bump into an old friend you haven’t seen in 5 years whilst on the way, and miss out on making it to the post office before it closes.  Simple things become hard.  And as always, it’s perfect.

4.  Be prepared to let go of any plan you have upon arriving

Have you heard the saying, you get what you need, not what you want?

Well that comes into form here.  Anyone with an agenda should be prepared to let that go ASAP.  There is a natural flow state here.  Things unfold as and when they’re meant to.  We in the west are so conditioned to doing things on our agenda.  Being linear and masculine orientated in doing.  Go here, then here, then here.  You don’t see the Balinese move like this.  They graciously move from A to B, having all the time in the world, for impromptu conversations, connections, basically enjoying life.

Westerners – we’re in a hurry to get to where we’re going.  Our life is predominately in our future existence.  We are rarely ever here.  Bali will teach you to slow down, to enjoy each moment to moment.  If you don’t listen, you’ll receive a lesson that will slow you down.   A late driver, a flat tyre, an accident, slow service – and a million more examples than I can think of.

5.  You will learn to walk with one foot in the physical reality, one foot in the non physical

This has been one of my biggest lessons (haha another one).  I continue to say to my Mum.  “It is SO different living here!”
I’ve had to learn how to trust life more than I ever have before!  I’m the kind of person who budgets, always has enough, puts money aside each week for bills, expenses, holidays, savings etc…
Since living here, all those have been exhausted and any sort of safety net I’d always have, has evaporated.  I’ve had to make decisions to commit to things before I’ve had the money to do so, and needed to trust that the money will come.

I moved into my current home in that manner, I committed to my last visa run the same way.  It’s like having one foot in the tangible, and one foot in the non tangible.

Abraham (Esther Hicks), calls it aligning to your vortex.  Not getting distracted by your here and now reality of what current exists, but focusing on that which you want to manifest and fully knowing in it’s coming into form, irrespective of desired timeline.  It’s a learnt skill I tell you.  One I’d like to think I’m getting better and better at.  It has been a challenge to trust where my money will come from to pay my upcoming visa extension, rent, bike rental, food, but somehow the money comes, maybe not on time, maybe I have to ask a friend, maybe Mum gives me money.  It’s not always a comfortable situation, but it is rich with lessons in receiving, in learning to be vulnerable, learning to trust, and showing up at the drop of a hat when need be.

6.  Anything you need to learn, that you have missed, or choose to miss, will slap you hard in the face

Lessons are a constant, rarely is there a pause in something that needs to be learnt and transformed.  If you don’t get the message, it will repeat until you do.  Bali will work with your built-in programming to give it to you in a way that you’re accustomed.  If you’re used to dealing with things in the physical; a cold, flu, virus, Bali Belly – be sure you’ll find yourself with one of these.

If you’re used to repeating patterns in your daily experience; lovers who aren’t emotionally available, money problems, transport problems, terrible neighbors, you’ll receive the same experiences as if stuck in ground hog day.

If you’re adapt at emotional release, transforming your thoughts – be sure you’ll flow with Bali, and shift lifetimes of patterns in your short or long stay here.

7.  Bali will release you when it’s time to go

When it’s time to leave, you’ll know it.  You’ll hear/feel the call to go somewhere else, and you’ll have no choice but to take action.  I haven’t yet experienced this, but I’ve witnessed it time and time again.  One of my dear sistas has just heard her call.  She’s been here for 9 months, and about 2 weeks ago felt strongly it was time to return to her home soil.  She’s booked her ticket, handed in her resignation and is now putting the call out to rent her home and find a carer for her animals.  She knows she’ll be back.  But for now, it’s time to go.

It’s a funny one this life in Bali.  We are and will always be visitors to this island.  The longer we stay, no change does it make to our status.  We are still simply visitors.  We can learn the language, learn the culture and it’s beautiful customs, but it will not change anything.  We can commit to being here, as I choose to nearly 3 months ago, get a dog, make it our home, but at the end of the day, when Bali says it’s time, it’s time.

I am in constant awe and gratitude for being here in this magical place.  Not a day passes that I don’t think “OMG I’m in Bali!”  As I ride my scooter from A to B, witnessing the beautiful land people (as I have nick named them).  The dark skinned locals who work in the fields next to my home.  Their earth grabbing wide feet, mud to their knees, carrying epic 40kg plus sacks of grass to their home, their cows.  Their toothless smiles and acknowledgement to my tourist Indonesian greetings – “Pagi”, “Yeah yeah” they reply.  The chanting of Gatri Mantra each 6am, 12pm, 6pm.  The smell of incense and offerings on the ground in front of each compound in my gang.  The pack of Bali Dogs hunting for any form of food they can find.  It is all wildly magical, beautiful, raw and real.  I just adore Bali.  What a gift!

living in bali

Life after psychosis

If you know me, or read my posts, you’ll know that some time ago I packed up my life in Sydney, Australia, to follow love and a Canadian calling.

I’ve written about this here.  It was such an adventurous, exciting time in my life with memories that I will cherish forever.

Recently, I’ve started writing more in depth about my experience of what happened during my final week in Canada that saw me wind up home in New Zealand.  I wrote a little about that here.

But this writing is more an attempt to articulate the experience of psychosis.  It’s a word that I’ve heard dabbled around a bit lately, and strangely many people have experienced.  I’ve taken this repetition as a calling to put pen to paper and explore the extremities of this phenomena.

The definition of psychosis;
a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.

Yup – I dealt with this for about 5 days before normalizing out thanks to Chinese Medicine.  Neil too had to deal with this, in me.  It’s a scary arse experience to go through.  There is no concept of right or wrong, only an extreme experience one is having and trying to cope and function with.  I have been trying to make sense of this and the ending of our relationship since it happened in October 2015. Parts of it still feel very real, and parts of it I wonder if my brain made up?

I have described my experience to friends as extreme consciousness.  Where my consciousness felt SO expanded, way past any pre-experienced states.  So to feel the extent of what I felt, I don’t think was wrong.  I think it is well within the realm of what humans are capable of.  But to much to fast, invites the mind to create stories to try to cope with what it’s experiencing.  Also unlocking the subconscious, releasing old patterns to transform them into some new.  All filters removed, all pre-existing ways of being melt away allowing for complete and utter transparency.

Like the experience of communicating with multiple ‘people’ through the one person.  While talking to Neil, I felt like I was talking to many different people.  I could distinguish this based on his tone, his mannerisms, his language.  The energy of that person was coming through him.  People from my current reality, like my Mum, to people already past, like Neils Mum, or my Grandad.  With the notion that we all are one – why would an experience like this not be reality?

Writing about it is confronting.  It brings up old memories.  It’s touching on my relationship with Neil yet again.  I feel stormy and emotional just writing about it.

So why write about it?
– I feel like it’s important to bring all uncovered yuckiness to the surface to look at in the light of day.  Sure my relationship might be over on a physical level, but if I am still being activated by old memories and thoughts, its means there’s still residue to clear.  Old emotional baggage to put out with the trash.  I’m sad for the way it ended.  I’m sad that it didn’t resolve.  It feels like a death without a farewell or ceremony.  That shit lingers on in the psyche and energy body until it is cleared, and until it is, it’s like a ghost that will keep coming back to haunt.

So it’s not easy going over old ground again – having a good hard look at a difficult chapter.  But I have to.  I have to so I can continue moving forward, and maybe my writing might be entertaining.  There are definitely some funny parts to it…

…like the story where I thought Andrew and Neil were Men In Black agents, protecting me from the Aliens.  I thought Aliens were trying to kill me and bury me in the big dug out trenches around the condo.  On a real life level, the water pipes were being dug up and replaced, but to me, they were digging my grave.  It was so fucken scary!  Black shiny cars pulling up, (or maybe regular cars?) lingering around and then taking off.  I trusted Neil, and felt like I trusted Andrew – but my phone went missing and I saw Andrew display reptilian tendency’s, so I freaked out!

This Alien energy was that, an energy!  It could jump from person to person and sometimes I would lock Neil out of the house because I was that scared.  I would make him shower immediately to wash away any residue he’d collected from being out in the world.  I would sage the house and set it up with Angelic protection to keep us safe and protected – this was absolutely imperative.

So I’m writing about stories like this and more.

Neil later told me that dealing with me during this week was harder than him dealing with the death of his Mother – ouch.  That boy dropped me off in New Zealand, then went running (flying) back home to Canada, grateful to see the back of me.  Credit to him he packed up the remainder of my belongings and shipped them to New Zealand.  When I packed in Canada for New Zealand, my brain didn’t have the capacity to think forward to what was happening.  I packed my bag thinking New Zealand and then…  I never thought that was it between him and I.

Fast forward 1 year, 4 months as I sit in my little space in the Lodtunduh, Ubud.  I am grateful for the smallest things.  To cook my own food, to hang my clothes, to be warm and dry.  Nothing else really seems to matter than this right now.  Of course the Earth – but that’s another conversation.  Right now my mind can’t seem to stretch to big things.  I’m here.  I’m loving me.  And I’m returning back to a healthy space of love and appreciation for the little things in life.  Life is simple and enjoyable.  Just Molly & Me.

 

life after psychosis

relish the fuck out of it

Since moving into my new digs, I am beginning to feel a special kind of calm, a peace, a super deep appreciation for all things in my world.

Sure, I’m witnessing my ego jump ahead 6 months and want to be somewhere it’s not, *rascally ego*, but I’m in a great position to just observe it, rein it in, and give thanks for exactly where I am.  And there is no place that I’d rather be right now.

I spent the last 6 months, wanting to be exactly where I am, that I’m going to enjoy it!  I’m going to dance in it, relish it and enjoy the fuck out of it, AND I’m also already planting the seeds now for the future creation to come into fruition for the next 6 months!  This is the way life goes.

If we kept focusing on the future we would not appreciate our now, and therefore not appreciate life.  This is it.  Right here, right now as Fatboy Slim would chant.

I feel like I’m reflecting on some deep thoughts, taking stock and preparing for an epic period to come.  Ways of being have been unraveled, and re-configured.  It’s like an upgrade has occurred and is integrating.  How life used to be done, cannot be done that way, that ship has sailed.  It’s like your latest version of Windows (clearly I’m still a PC user), operating on an old computer – there’s no way it could – everything constantly needs an upgrade, not just technology – us also.

I sit in such a space of contentment right now, I find myself sighing happy blissful sighs.  Sighs of just being here.  Nowhere else.  Not desiring anything to be different, but merely having so much appreciation for everything that is.  A very new space to be in, as we have been so programmed to be happy when we have xyz, when all our ducks are in a row.

Sure I could still say, I want xyz, and if I speak in Abraham speak – xyz already exists, it is in my vortex and is already making its’ way to me.  I simply need to stay aligned to it, removing any resistance to it & it will arrive at a time that is not up to me.  Knowing this, feeling into my essence gives me a sense of peace that is constantly available to me, that is, until I forget again.  Which I’m sure I will.

So for me right now – it’s a dance between sighing happy moment sighs, and aligning to what I am drawing into my physical reality and not focusing on what has not yet showed up, which is what we humans often tend to do, focus on the not having.  I know this has been my modus operandum for some time.  Wondering why I have been well equipt with everything I could possibility need, yet having a mentality of lack, re-playing that record over and over again.  I’m done with that programming.  Did you hear me.  Done.  Finished.  Fineto!

Yes, so after this eclipse, this full moon, this menstrual cycle I will have purged, cleansed and released all that is so done in my world.  I am making my way to the end of this very amazing cycle.  I have this theory about life in Bali.  That every Visa cycle represents particular lessons, and that when you leave Bali for a new Visa, holiday or whatever reason you leave Bali for, you return with a whole NEW beginning and a blank canvas right in front of you for the duration of that Visa.  Yes – it is an exciting time indeed.

relish the fuck out of it

Molly, Me & a place to call home

It’s now been 6 nights and about 2 hours since I moved into my new home, and let me tell you – life feels so very different on the other side.

The last time I was able to unpack my bags without an agenda to move anywhere would have been Victoria, Canada.  I don’t include the Silent Retreat as that was Ashram style living and frankly – who wants to consider living there long term?

I’ve landed safely with both feet, as my new home includes everything.  I have a bathroom – hot & cold water, a kitchen – including gas cooker AND fridge, a bed, a garden AND a pool!  Jackpot!

These might seem like very simple things to give appreciation for, but when you’ve been bed & house hopping for the past year, it changes one’s perspective A LOT!

For the last 5 mornings I’ve cooked breakfast at home.  The satisfaction that this small little task offers is in-explainable.  Having to pop out to cafes to eat first thing in the morning can feel relentless after a while.  Don’t get me wrong – the food and coffee here are wonderful and I am so very grateful to have had the abundance to do this.  But this chicken is ready for a rest and to focus my energy constructively elsewhere.  Not on where I’m going to eat today.  Big shift.

At the same time, a little rescue Bali Dog affectionately named Molly has shown up in my life.  She’s a little doll of a puppy, if a puppy can be called that?  She’s a special little being that has been brought back from the brink of near extinction and has won our hearts.  So for now she is living with me.  A house and a dog in one week, a partner on his way.

Yup life.  It feels possible again.  Today when asked how I’m doing, my reply – good.  Full stop.  No stories, no explorations or reflections.  Just good.  Great in fact.

With the world in upheaval the way it is, to feel good is GREAT!

My inner world is where it’s at.  It is all there is.  From my inner world I am creating my external.  Amazing things are beginning to make their way to me at a rapid rate.  I am merely preparing to receive them right now.  I’m resting when I need to & enjoying this massive clearing rain Bali has been receiving for FOUR days straight now.  FOUR DAYS OF RAIN!

So this little blog is just a little ditty of gratitude.  No massive reflections, no deep diving.  A reminder that simplicity and gratitude for such is where I’m at.  I couldn’t be happier in this moment, well I can think of one – but that’s for between my ears only 😉

In love, gratitude & amazing health

love heidi

Molly, Me & a place to call home