the story from today…

It feels a super long time since I wrote and shared my personal story, and there is an extremely good reason for it.  Like everything, I put it down to timing, and when I write, it has to feel right, there needs to be a flow.  I don’t share for the sake of sharing. Like nature and her cycles, there’s a time for introspection and learning, and there’s a time for expansion and blossoming.

Though these past few weeks, I have been feeling my pull.  Last night I started writing in my head, this morning, this is what flowed.  It feels good to remerged.

It’s taken a long time to ground in Queenstown.  Part of me wonders if we’re meant to in the intense energies here.  The dance of the mountain peaks & the deep dark depths of Lake Wakatipu, invite a spinning vortex of highs and insightful lows.

I wanted to physically move since Amanda moved out.  Knowing that my home environment wouldn’t be the same.  But the energies guided me to stay in that Fernhill home, and I’m grateful that they did.

Life became emotionally tough from then on.  I was invited into new shadows within myself.  I became so deeply trigger by my love for another, I withdrew from social gatherings and social media, I dove into my discomforts to uncover what lay beneath.

What I found was stuff I already knew, but like the continual layers of an onion, there was more.

I felt the pain of what drove me from New Zealand, my country of birth.  The running I’d done, magically masked as travelling & adventure.  Ultimately I was running from my hurt within, which when mirrored in the one I loved, showed up like a kick in the face as I ate his dust when he ran.

All of the ‘I’m not good enough / I’m not worthy’ pain.   All the feels from my excruciating teenage years of self loathing.  At one time during that winter – there was so much anxiety within, the mountain became my only home and place of comfort.

At the same time, my love for this person wouldn’t quit.  I’ve become Queen of detaching from non serving relationships.  Moving on once the lessons have been learnt and accepting the seasonal nature of our meeting.  But this soul.  He stuck in the forefront of my mind and literally drove me insane!  I could not detach!  What the fuck was this?  How come I can’t let go and move on?

I visited Dion, a local Maori healer to receive support and cut cords that were attached.  This brought up uncomfortable feels, but days later, no cigar.  He was STILL present!  A few weeks later, I was blessed to receive a distance healing from one of Dion’s students.  The breakup theme presented, aspects got cleared, but still remained.  I could NOT understand why I could not let go.

I decided to try a ‘radical’ approach, and accept his constant presence on my brain.  I went all in, and started a journal as if writing to him, all thoughts and experiences I was having.  We weren’t in contact at all, I had also restricted my connection to his social media to honour and give myself the space I needed to heal.

My words and the acceptance of what was, helped bring some ease, but didn’t make the connection lessen.

Through this time my housemate was unconditional with my sharings.  She would listen to me share the craziness at which I felt.  Why can I not simply turn this off?  Why are my feelings magnified?  All the triggers and emotional purging that was relentless!

This time of emotional healing and reflection, I somehow stumbled on a Woman on YouTube, Queen of Light 1111, who shares tarot readings on Divine Feminine & Divine Masculine, otherwise know as – Twin Flame connections.  I’d heard about Twin Flames during my Nature Care days, but thought them to be as elusive as a Unicorn.

QOL’s readings because a light in my dark tunnel as she put words to the energies, emotional purging and absolute craziness I was feeling.  I began looking into the whole twin thing more and more.  Watching videos and reading articles that best shared the extent of this connection.

I still doubted that this was a thing.  Still leaning towards the fact that I was crazy and there was something wrong with me for not being able to let go.

Videos suggested I could ask for confirmation if this was a Twin Flame connection, and have the universe respond to my request.  I received various universal confirmations of this, which felt so double edged.  Gratitude for such knowing, polarized with self doubt and judgement at my one sided relationship with such a being.

During this time I had this Cannabis Oil experience which I wrote about here.  This blew my mind out of the water, and solidified everything!

I almost expected him to walk into my house that night for the strength of what I came to realize!

The dance continued, its peaks and troughs.  But knowing meant nothing.  I couldn’t talk to him about this.  It didn’t feel right.  At all.  I had to trust the timing of that.

One emotional day, I found myself in complete surrender.  Purging, crying, releasing pain of the excruciating connection and knowing.  I cried for lifetimes the hardness of it all.  I was a pile of mush on my bed.  Unable to move.  I didn’t know what was next, other than to sink into that dark hole.  I lay on my bed motionless.  Then my phone rang.  It was him.

We hadn’t spoken in a long time, and not only that, he wasn’t even in the country.  He was calling me from the top of a remote island!  WTF!

When I surrender to my greatest ability, he’s there almost without fail.  To call, or text to tap back in.  It feels as if there is zero escape.

Sometimes I feel peace, sometimes I feel doubt and despair.  Sometimes I wonder if what I’m even feeling is my own.

Thoughts of him evolved into feeling him.  He is now a constant presence within my being.  I now know him as me.  But I am learning to navigate the complexity of thoughts, energy and feelings now.  Lately I awake from sleep and feel a theme to process, but there is zero emotion attached, and I know I’ve already moved through it.  It almost feels like a repeat.  I wonder if that is him communicating with me and seeking support to move through it?  This interaction is new.

Lately I feel when he is thinking about me and the speed at which he moves through something he’s processing.  If we’ve not spoken recently, I can feel the energy build of when he’s going to reach out to connect.

At times I still doubt the intensity of this connection, as we’ve not solidified it in the physical.  In fact, right now I’m working through his latest hurtful words to me.  It’s brutal and totally relentless.  My rational mind says leave.  Get the fuck away from this guy and move on.  And, in the past – hell yeah, I’d be gone.  No one has ever treated me so badly, yet I have loved so goddamn much. 

The lessons I’m learning, are that unconditional love is just that.  UNCONDITIONAL.  His projections of me, are projections of his hurt aspects of self.  And they need love.  Mine and his.  Ours.  Love dissolves our deepest shadows.  Love doesn’t run.  I trigger his shadows, as he does mine.  And we are learning to walk in our shadows with love. 

Somehow I signed up for this.  I signed up for unconditional love.  It doesn’t look like a conventional relationship.  But then we are far from conventional beings.  We are perfect divine mirrors showing each other our truth.  The truth of our hurts and pains, our darkest ugliest hurts.  It’s fucking tough, and relentless as FUCK, and I’m here.  Grounded.  In it.  Navigating the hell out of these stormy seas.  I can’t detach.  I can’t run.  I can’t execute old patterns I know so well.  They don’t work.  I tried.  I have to face the storm head on, like the warrior woman that I am.  And trust, like all waves, it will pass. 

So for now, this is me.  In the high seas of divine orchestration, navigating my return home.

As always, I am here to support.

If you’re interested in exploring this topic more deeply, connect with me;

Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here

Connect with Heidi here

Ascension and Twin Flame Union

Ooooo weeee, we’re on another doozy of a ride right now!

There are many ascension shifts happening on this dear planet of ours, we’re feeling it in our fibers of being, manifesting into our deepest thoughts, and rippling into the Earth where she is feeling us.

I have been beginning to see the fruits of my labor these past months.  This quiet time that I had given myself, why it was SO necessary, and what I have risen to in the invitation to go within.

I had an uncomfortable decision to make months ago.  I was uncomfortable in my skin, and I just didn’t know why.  I was deep into comparison mode, low in self belief and confidence and just wasn’t feeling my bright shiny self.

I was a part of a trio of friends that had come together to create something, we had a vision, and it was manifesting at a rapid rate, except that I wasn’t contributing to it physically, there was something in me that wasn’t moving forward within it.

It felt like something external to me, and the space I was in was not connecting with it.  I shared how I was feeling with the others, and they supportivly listened and reflected back where I was at, but it didn’t shift anything.  It only made me feel worse.  The next day, while at work, going over the situation in my mind, it occurred to me that I just needed to let go of the whole thing.  It made zero sense, but it felt like the right decision to make.  Right then and there, I needed to share this, to clear it and make the shift that was needed.

In making this decision, I immediately began to feel better.  Lighter, freer, more at peace.  I finally felt at ease with my peers.  However, there was still dust that needed to settle.  We never created the opportunity to speak and clear in person, and so the Universe stepped in and decided to play her cards and magic.

This time apart from them, saw me return to my own self.  I came to remember the magical being that I am.  No more comparison, no more wondering why I wasn’t doing the things, and trying to make S.H.I.T happen, just me.

In me returning to me, it became apparent that I hadn’t be choosing me so fully, that I’d lost connection to me somehow.  I’d been swept up in the physicality of life, and in the desire to create the things.

Returning to me, reminded me that me is all there is.  My connection to self and personal energy and vibration are all that matters.  A deeper relationship with myself was beginning to grow.  Now – I’ve been doing me for YEARS – but this was another layer of relationship growing.  Oh the layers!

Daily practices of Meditation, Wim Hof Breathing, Energy Clearing, listening to the teachings of Abraham all became my tools.  It has been the MOST important thing to wake up and align to me first and foremost!  A natural move away from Social Media and the noise that is there felt right, and a peacefulness in the simplicity of being stepped in.

No need to check what anyone else was up to, sharing, had to say, event that was on, just the beauty of being and knowing that everything is within.

This new relationship with myself is joyous and delicious, like a gift I have no intention of sharing lightly, (yet).  Choosing only things that fulfill me, or give to another in need.

Fast forward to last weekend, I found myself in the position of a Cannabis Oil ride!  Not intentional at all, but somehow divine, magical and profound.

I was with two friends this one afternoon in Queenstown, and one friend had in his pocket, a small bottle of the oil.  He opened it, tapped some onto his hand, and licked it off.  I asked him about it, and its effects.  He said it would just make one feel relaxed.  I extended out my hand towards him.

I licked if off without thought, curious at the taste, and that was that.  Our conversation continued until it was time to take Jen home.

Many hours later at the dinner table in my home, surrounded by my housemates, good cheer, and the most delicious sticky date pudding EVER, I am loosing it!  I am giggling and crying and having a relationship with my dessert.  Kate asks, “what did he give you?”

At this point it’s becoming a little trippy trying to speak, and explain what the heck is going on through the tears of laughter.  I retreat to the lounge where YouTube and Tash Sultana are there to greet me.

As soon as I sit on the couch, I know I’m in for a ride.  I can understand what Tash is saying through her music.  She is responding to my thoughts and together we’re in a conversation.  I think “oh shit, here we go again”, as just a short number of years previously I’d experienced a similar ride that saw my consciousness shift monumentally.  Read that post here.  So understandably fear arose then and there.

Though this was part of the beauty that was about to unfold.  Every thought, feeling and emotion was heard and reflected by Tash, and our souls were in dialogue, guiding through the journey of surrendering into the fear, and releasing that old, all that was no longer needed.

For hours we ‘talked’.  I shifted and surrendered years of crap that was no longer needed, as I ascended higher into what was calling me.  It was apparent that I’d reached an ascension.  I heard words that bookmarked that moment.  I felt a wave of relief, knowing that I was working tirelessly to shift these patterns.

But the ride was not over yet!  Round two.

So the journey with Tash continued, and inner dance of surrender.  Her song – Jungle, singing to me the sounds of another journey I was/am on.  My Twin Flame Journey.

I have been diving into this a bit over the past months.  Watching YouTube videos, and gathering knowledge and insights into what this is and signs and symptoms.  This song that she was singing, was a direct message from my DM to me.

In my minds eye I saw the fabric of the Universe.  I saw our place within it, and the DNA helix that creates it.  I saw my light, and purpose in this lifetime, and the current fear that is preventing me from stepping up so fully into my power.  I breathed through fear that is keeping me small, and saw how this solo journeying work that I’ve been doing has been SO necessary, (the reason why I shared the above story).

I saw clearly.

Then suddenly I knew we were in Union.  We’d reached Union in the non-physical.  Our souls have made contact and have connected completely in the Energetic, it is only a matter of time, final lessons, and surrendering until we connect in the Physical.

I know for sure that I am on this ride.  Signs are so clear, intuition is high, and communication is happening in the 5D.  There is so much magic here and right now it’s not the right time to dive in and share, but in time, it will be right.

So for now, I just wanted to write and share this aspect of the ride, as it has been monumental and extraordinary.  So perfect, magical and wild.

My ego mind has been a curious monkey, and it is incredible how much we are to surrender what we think we know, in the quest for greater connection and understanding.

If you’ve read this far, thank you for being here and riding this wave with me, stay tuned for more all in divine time.

Ascension & Twin Flame Union

As always, I am here to support.

If you’re interested in exploring this topic more deeply, connect with me;

Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here

Connect with Heidi here