This living in Bali business really invites facing myself in a brutally honest way.
It has to be one of my most challenging rides to date. I think I consider leaving Bali almost daily.
It feels like the mask that once so craftily created, to hide an insecurity, is slowly peeled back or being dissolved. I am coming face to face with emotions real. Connected to old embedded thoughts that remind me of the young girl I once knew so well. The hopeless teenager who felt so down on herself she cried everyday after school. The young girl who was so self conscious she accepted that boys were attracted to her friends and not her. As her friends attended parties with said boys, it hurt her to not be invited, yet she never said a word.
These fundamental years shaped me. They set the tone, my blueprint for what I believe of myself.
Of course ADULT HEIDI understands better these days. But the reality is that she doesn’t always run the show. My self worth is in review at the present moment, and Adult Heidi has stepped to the side, holding space for this younger self to be seen. It ain’t comfortable. It’s not particularly enjoyable. But it’s real. It takes courage to meet yourself with your wounds exposed. But here I am. I am here because I want something different for myself. I don’t want to under value myself anymore.
I want to truly experience the Woman I want to be in the world. I don’t want to feel an achy heart for something I long for. I want to vibrate at such a frequency and know I already have love. I don’t want to feel a sense of unworthiness or shame at the thought of supporting others through their dark moments and personal journey. I don’t want to feel like my contribution in the world doesn’t matter or isn’t worth a worthy exchange that allows me to enjoy the fruits of life. I want to feel that I know I HAVE these. That I don’t feel a lack. A yearning. A wanting. I want to feel the sense of satisfaction that is available from having made a difference.
I know to well the heart ache of our planet and its people right now and I don’t know where to start? I really don’t. This image conjures – me yelling at others “pick up your trash”, like a teacher on duty during interval at school.
Peoples naivety hurts my heart! Why can they not see? Not understand the results of their actions? Their in-actions?! Where do I start? How do I matter AND live an enjoyable life meeting my needs? From here, where to?
The solution from my mind is not clear. I don’t think I can pull myself out of, something my mind created. The false lies. My false sense of self (worth). This is not who I am. It is a tee-taw established during childhood, one I believed. They are merely thoughts. The only way through is to face myself.
SELF DIAGNOSED PRESCRIPTION
What can one do with a thought? One can change it.
What invested interest do I have in believing I am not worthy? I have NONE!
This false belief does NOT serve ME!
It doesn’t make me happy!
It doesn’t allow me to thrive!
It makes me feel shit.
So, why do I hold onto it? Because it’s all I’ve known.
Am I ready to let it go? YES!!
And so, what is its replacement?
I AM LOVED…