He made how much from doing what? Where am I going with this? I want to briefly share with you an opportunity that I’ve stumbled upon recently. Up until then, I had been questioning, walking blindly, intention setting, asking for clarity about how do I create a successful online business. Success for me equaling spreading …
I am not one who gets sick, so here’s my share on why getting sick in Bali is a gift… I listen to my body pretty well, and in doing so, it tells me what I need to do to take care of it on a daily basis. More and more I surrender into flow, …
What is our purpose in life? Today’s 99 Million Dollar Question right?!
I’ve been working with this questions quite intimately these past months here in Bali land. Knowing for a long time there is much more to living life than just hitting the daily grind in exchange for an income.
I know this – but such is life – continuing to learn lessons, plugging along & asking life purpose reflection questions.
Each question has created an opportunity, a stepping stone to the next. Each stepping stone has requested courage & fear acknowledgement. But here’s the thing, they ARE stepping stones. We are never given what we cannot handle, and so we get to choose in each moment whether we continue with what we know, or step into that which we don’t.
Bali was and continues to be a gamble.
I have no idea what I’m doing & showing up for on a day to day basis, but I do, because sitting here in my life, I cannot & will not go backwards.
If I ‘went back’, this might look like returning to Australia or maybe New Zealand, getting a J.O.B in exchange for my life hours and a small wage in exchange for such un-priceable value. I will not do it. (Well – it doesn’t feel like my here & now calling. Although I have learnt to be open and step into what is needed in each moment.)
The Silent Retreat was tough. It was an inner boot camp of looking at fears, demons, and a time out & deconstruction of everything I knew to be true. The living paradigm of J.O.B working. Compartmentalizing life. It has since spat me out, in which I am SO grateful for. Day by day, now some 10 days on or so, life continues to show up for me because I am choosing to show up for it. I am in the hands of something far greater that has me in it’s arms.
How am I sustaining myself?
Friends, more friends, small savings & trust.
Do I know what I’m doing tomorrow?
Hell No!
Am I happy & excited?
Hell YES!
Do I get to live my life on my terms?
HELL YES!
Am I safe? A roof over my head & food to eat?
Everyday!
This is life!
This is living!
My dear chicken friend reminded me last week. There is no separation between work & play. There is only life. We shouldn’t have to invest in one to have the other. They shouldn’t need to be mutually exclusive things.
Life is life. It was given to us as our birthright to enjoy, explore, learn & play. Not to live by rules & patterning passed down from generation to generation. But the sad thing is, unless you don’t start to question, you will never learn any different, as we only know what we know. If we knew what we didn’t know, there would still be more that we didn’t know. And so on & so on, x’s infinity! Where does the mind go with the limitlessness of that!?
I’m reading the book “Cashflow Quadrant by Robert T Kiyosaki” right now, and a passage he shares within it is;
“We all know people who make a lot of money, but hate their work. We also know people who do not make a lot of money and hate their work. And we all know people who just work for money. A classmate of mine realized he did not want to spend his life at sea. Rather than sail for the rest of his life, he went to law school after graduation, spending three more years becoming a lawyer and entering private practice in the Self Employed Quadrant.
He died in his early fifties. He had become a very successful, unhappy lawyer. Like me, he had two professions by the time he was 26. Although he hated being a lawyer, he continued being a lawyer because he had a family, kids, a mortgage, and bills to pay.
A year before he died, I met him at a class reunion in New York. He was a bitter man.
“All I do is sweep up behind rich guys like you. They pay me nothing. I hate what I do and who I work for.”
“Why don’t you do something else?” I asked.
“I can’t afford to stop working. My first child is entering college.”
he died of a heart attack before she graduated.
he made a lot of money via his professional training, but he was emotionally angry, spiritually dead, and soon his body followed.”
Whilst this story is extreme, doesn’t it hit hard? I mean, I’m sure we know people in our sphere’s like this right? Living the daily grind, surviving not thriving.
There is no blame or finger pointing here. This situation is what it is because we know no different, but is merely an opportunity to be open to reflect on HOW we could live differently? What would I really like to enjoy in my world? It can be a big question that brings forth a blank canvas. I know it did for me for a long time, I’ve only known that the old didn’t fit and I needed to move towards something new , un-created & unwritten.
Question with me, create, play & explore.
In Bali I sit reflecting on, “what am I doing with my life?” I am reminded of how much I LOVED being a trainer and how empowered I felt. 10 years on, how it affects today – I competed in the ANB – Australasian Natural Bodybuilding Competition. I was at the pinnacle of my Fitness Career and loved working as a Personal Trainer in Sydney, Australia.
Today I recognize, along with my recent Canadian break-up, I have been affected, by seemingly having ‘failed’. Whilst intellectually I know I haven’t, I have an installed fear within, that has prevented me from stepping forth, again, owning something that I WANT. I WANT so much to feel this sense of joy & empowerment again, today I met my fear head on whilst speaking with my friend. I witnessed my fear in committing to something I want, for fear of not being good enough, worthy enough, not my path, for maybe failing again, etc etc.
You see, I had it all mapped out 10 years ago. I had a business partnership with another. We signed a 3 year lease on a commercial property to create a Holistic Health Centre. I was a successful trainer, and well on my way to graduating from my Diploma of Tranformational Coaching. This was what I wanted! I was 27 years old & I was doing what I loved! The sky was the limit!
In October 2006 I went into competition & placed 4th in Women’s Short Figure. It was a MASSIVE achievement! My coach suggested I stick at it as my physic was perfect for competing. Through this time, the relationship I was in ended and we parted ways.
Over the next duration of months, I continued to pour everything into my work and kept my training up, despite the next comp being another year away. The turning point happened after my Coaching Module – VISION QUEST. Where we undertake a sacred ceremony of entering into the bush from Dawn to Dusk – setting intentions for what we wish to let go of and welcome into our lives. I came away from that weekend with my mind blown & my energetic senses high. I’d gone down the rabbit hole & lost my way back out.
I entered depression for the next 2.5 years & as a result, everything I knew fell apart. My PT Business died, the friends I knew, fell away. I had high expenses based on my previous life & the mediocre jobs I was doing barely cut what was needed each week. I became a recluse hermit. My training faded and I lost who I thought I was.
I underwent therapy through this time & it was baby steps in the dark. I didn’t know if I was moving forwards, backwards or even if I was moving at all? Mostly I felt I wasn’t. Eventually as I pulled through, my confidence was shattered, and I took whatever jobs I could to survive. Personal Training felt so far from me, it was a distant object.
This was 2009/10, and ever since has been a gradual step forward.
Wrapido to Nature Care College. Nature Care College to lululemon. lululemon to Canada. Canada to New Zealand. New Zealand to Bali Silent Retreat.
Each role, each location, bringing me closer and closer to ME. The real & authentic ME. Each place, rich & full with life lessons & experiences not possible in a classroom.
Now, sitting here in Bali, after being ‘born’ from my 8 month Bali Womb, I sit and wonder what is next? There is no backwards, there is no sideways, there is only forwards. I am done being a paid employee, I am done being dictated with plans & someone else’s ‘to do’s’, I am done with being 2nd best!!!
NOW!
NOW!
I must step forward, I must face my fear of failure, I must feel it and step forward regardless.
I MUST.
I MUST.
After all, what is a life worth living if we haven’t truly lived?
I don’t know how to do this? I don’t know how to start again? I only know I have to. I have to!
Anything less & I do my soul a severe injustice.
And so being my own guru is where this is at!
The only way forward is through.
It’s time to be my OWN GURU!
So days ago, in fact the day after I wrote my previous blog, my life took a drastic turn.
I have been spending extended time in a Silent Retreat, on the magical island of Bali. It’s been a little over 8 months so far, hence my previous blog post. (You can read that blog here.)
Upon returning from Australia, I was met with changes in my exchange at the retreat, to which I decided to step up into. I imagined that there was a higher purpose for me being here, you know, to create something of my own contribution towards this retreat space and the hundreds of courageous souls who visit.
The next day, a whirlwind happened and I was let go! A mass of incorrect communications took place. Different perceptions of the same words, catapulted into miscommunication which resulted in this action. It was wild, it was crazy, there may have been some angry words said, all necessary in the transition of this lesson.
But the strange thing is, I am not upset about it. It feels right and I am in total acceptance that this was what had to happen. And so now I sit in a space much like the butterfly does, as she allows her wings to dry before taking flight into a new adventure.
Mostly I feel excited and optimistic, though occasionally I feel nervous.
I want so much to step into an exciting opportunity that nurtures my soul to the highest extent. I just want to get going, but equally flit with days of simply just needing rest and feeling exhausted. What a ride this is.
Today feels more optimistic. After a chat with a friend, I’m being reminded of processes akin to nature. These support me to accept what is and to not work against my own unfolding.
Se are human beings and we have an ego. The ego likes to know what is happening. I know mine does.
– Where am I going?
– What do I want to do?
– How will I have money?
– Do I put my energies into Be Your Own Guru?
All these questions and more are humming along in the background that I am acknowledging.
Still I wish to act from love. I wish to take action as & when it feels right. Acting from fear only gets in the way, and prevents what really needs to drop in to arrive and be heard.
I explored websites my friend shared, and worked on my primary values – to help manifest & gain clarity of my next step. These are the only steps available right now. This, and to honor how much my body needs rest. I nap each afternoon & am moving very gently.
One can only work with what is available & be in the dance of co-creation. Good things take time & everything has a natural rhythm.
– BYOG
These past few days have invited some deep internal reflection. It has been brutally confronting, inviting me to look at old untruths that I have been operating from. But first, these patterns wouldn’t have come to head, if I hadn’t have allowed myself to sit in a womb of Bali love for these past 8-9 months.
Like all good cycles, this one has been epic beyond explanation. Inviting in rich feminine nurturing and ways of being I have been unaccustomed to. I’m Heidi – I like to charge forward like the Sagittarian Adventurer that I am, making shit happen & tearing things up in my path. This time has welcomed a newer, upgraded version of Heidi, one who has richer compassion and deep nurturment for the feminine process and holding.
I have needed to spend time healing my heart after my breakup, and look at my underlying issues of worthiness that it brought up.
It is merely intuition that has taught me that these months have been a holding period. Much to my personal frustration of wanting to get on with life and move forward. After all, doesn’t it feel so satisfying to take action towards the things we want most in life? Look at us humans right now, we are so ADDICTED to being in action. Our very days are full to the brim with action tasks and duties. Not to many moments are filled with blissful nothingness, simply watching nature & counting our blessings on breathe. “Il dolce far niente.”
I’ve trusted my guidance and taken one step at a time, accepting the discomfort of what was, trusting that everything is in perfect order, despite it not looking like the order I wanted so dearly. After all, as the saying goes “we get what we need, not what we want.”
I’ve carried out tasks that I am good at, that have served me living this life – making a living – in exchange for accommodation, food & other additions that have allowed me to stay on this island of Bali. It has triggered my deepest frustrations to not be ‘in control’ of such simple matters. However it has been so satisfying to not have to conform to the basic demands of needing to earn real money, only to see the gross of it go off to things like rent, expenses, food, gas, loans and so on. I have been gifted a break from the rat race. An incredible opportunity to rest from such a Masculine/Yang way of living.
Still I was aware of needing to break from Bali. An opportunity to gain a fresh perspective. To see if leaving this island was what I needed to do to move forward, break free of the Bali bubble. A return break to Australia to spend time with my bestie was just what I needed. Time to drink all the coffee and eat all the chocolate with my friend, and to not consider the needs of the retreat and my personal frustrations with, “what am I doing with my life!”
Feeling unbiased either way upon my return – should I stay, should I go – I returned and initially felt no clearer other than experiencing a few UP days, which were so so welcome, the nurturing womb of Bali love had changed – I felt freer. But direction & purpose were still no more clearer. Hoping clarity would show up after some necessary conversations, I’d hoped options would become clear to me. This wasn’t to be the case. Foggier and foggier I became. I fell into a hole of darkness yesterday and experienced my lows in full force. Worthiness, lack, sadness, fear. I decided to hide from myself by watching a movie.
That evening I attended our Agnihotra Fire Ceremony which welcomes purging of old to bring about transformation, and how perfect for this New Moon Energy. Still agitation sat with me and I choose to leave before it was finished. I retired to bed and decided to again distract myself with something to watch online. I found an interview with Marie Forleo & Tony Robbins. I started watching it out of curiosity. He’s been around for years, but I have never felt any interest in him. However he has a movie set for release shortly titled “I am not your Guru”, which is on par with my Be Your Own Guru concept. I watched for a bit but felt uninspired.
Clicking on a different video of his, titled something like “how to control your emotions” thinking, this will be interesting. I am not for controlling my emotions, but giving them the space to be what they need to be, but figured he must know what he’s talking about given his status & duration of time in the Personal Development field.
I understand that every emotion is a message telling us that we need to change something. I get this. We listen to the message & go deeper into it to find the core underlying message. I get this also. What he teaches, after acknowledging what the core message is, there are one of two things one can do;
1 – Change your perception of what you are experiencing to change your feeling, or
2 – Take action preceding the situation.
Watch the mentioned Tony Robbin’s Video here
I often have the tendency to sit in the emotion of what comes up a bit longer than needed. For example, the recent changes here have triggered my feelings of worthiness. So I feel into the feelings of lack of worth. Allowing it to be what is. It does eventually shift naturally, however it can be quite uncomfortable to be there for extended periods of time, as one might imagine. Perhaps this has to do with my emotional maturity – having cut myself off from feeling emotions at a young age? Perhaps making up for lost time, I don’t know?
This morning upon waking, I sat in my fog and asked “what do I do next?” I had been waiting for internal guidance to guide me, giving me some kind of inspiration. A clear indication around what action I needed to take. Up until recently, I’ve been getting nadda. This morning what came through was a message – “back yourself.”
What listening to Tony the night before did, was reminded me that I am in control. I am in charge of what I want to create. I looked at why I am feeling this way. I got really honest with myself. I knew I didn’t want to return into the same bubble that I was previously. So what was my resistance?
I had been so down on my self belief, that I thought that I couldn’t create what I wanted. I thought it was gone. That my purpose was in the hands of some greater force guiding me, dictating where I needed to go & be. I was reminded that the most rewarding time of my working life, was when I worked for myself. I was my own boss. I did what I wanted and the sky was the limit!
This memory reminded me that I can do that again!
I needed to internally choose. I needed to step up, to back myself. To choose that I want to work for myself. To accept the massive opportunity that I have been given here. Of course I don’t know how I am going to do it, or what I am going to do, I only know that I cannot go backwards. I have to encompass everything that I know and have integrated over the past 15 years and bring it forward into the now. Now is the time to do.
As soon as I made this decision, I took myself off for an ass kicking workout. I biked to some local stairs that I love pounding and pumped out repetitions of them. I was my own Personal Trainer. Edging myself forward to push through the mud into something new.
This was communicated with the Founder here & a very short time after, a guest booked me for a session! Such a perfect confirmation that I have made the right decision aligned to my highest good. In hindsight, what I’ve shared is so simple, but experientially one of the toughest processes to date.
There was so much richness in the womb of Bali love that I needed, to come from a new, perhaps more loving, compassionate nurturing way of being, that perhaps could not have been facilitated from my old way of being. We are no longer living head based lives; we need to align with our hearts true purpose in each moment. It is easy to charge forward from the head, but to come from the heart, that is truly living.
This living in Bali business really invites facing myself in a brutally honest way.
It has to be one of my most challenging rides to date. I think I consider leaving Bali almost daily.
It feels like the mask that once so craftily created, to hide an insecurity, is slowly peeled back or being dissolved. I am coming face to face with emotions real. Connected to old embedded thoughts that remind me of the young girl I once knew so well. The hopeless teenager who felt so down on herself she cried everyday after school. The young girl who was so self conscious she accepted that boys were attracted to her friends and not her. As her friends attended parties with said boys, it hurt her to not be invited, yet she never said a word.
These fundamental years shaped me. They set the tone, my blueprint for what I believe of myself.
Of course ADULT HEIDI understands better these days. But the reality is that she doesn’t always run the show. My self worth is in review at the present moment, and Adult Heidi has stepped to the side, holding space for this younger self to be seen. It ain’t comfortable. It’s not particularly enjoyable. But it’s real. It takes courage to meet yourself with your wounds exposed. But here I am. I am here because I want something different for myself. I don’t want to under value myself anymore.
I want to truly experience the Woman I want to be in the world. I don’t want to feel an achy heart for something I long for. I want to vibrate at such a frequency and know I already have love. I don’t want to feel a sense of unworthiness or shame at the thought of supporting others through their dark moments and personal journey. I don’t want to feel like my contribution in the world doesn’t matter or isn’t worth a worthy exchange that allows me to enjoy the fruits of life. I want to feel that I know I HAVE these. That I don’t feel a lack. A yearning. A wanting. I want to feel the sense of satisfaction that is available from having made a difference.
I know to well the heart ache of our planet and its people right now and I don’t know where to start? I really don’t. This image conjures – me yelling at others “pick up your trash”, like a teacher on duty during interval at school.
Peoples naivety hurts my heart! Why can they not see? Not understand the results of their actions? Their in-actions?! Where do I start? How do I matter AND live an enjoyable life meeting my needs? From here, where to?
The solution from my mind is not clear. I don’t think I can pull myself out of, something my mind created. The false lies. My false sense of self (worth). This is not who I am. It is a tee-taw established during childhood, one I believed. They are merely thoughts. The only way through is to face myself.
What can one do with a thought? One can change it.
What invested interest do I have in believing I am not worthy? I have NONE!
This false belief does NOT serve ME!
It doesn’t make me happy!
It doesn’t allow me to thrive!
It makes me feel shit.
So, why do I hold onto it? Because it’s all I’ve known.
Am I ready to let it go? YES!!
And so, what is its replacement?
I AM LOVED…
While sitting in the Immigration Office in Bali, I was contemplating how much change my life has undergone, is such a short space of time. Living within a Silent Retreat has brought me back to simplicity & the heart of what really matters in life. I now see the many many distractions we create in …
