Part of what I have always visioned, is using my collection of journals to write my posts or potentially a book in the future.
I have this vision of writing snippets of my past, typing word by word accounts of a ‘day in the life’ of. Perhaps with the the intention of having that story resonate with individuals – who knows? It’s not up to me right.
So on this day 16 May 2009 here is what I wrote in my journal;
“I’ve had a lovely day so far. Wake, sleep, wake, eat, read, sleep. Bit of stretching, washing, cry. That was an interesting one. It’s actually a piece of the puzzle. All this opening Tom stuff. I read the Delta Wave Tip Off and she speaks of dealing with our father issues at present. She goes in instruction of how to have a soul conversation with your father and automatically I think “I can’t do that!” Not even about not knowing him, but more about how I couldn’t open my heart to him. And from what I’ve learnt, this is where my relationship with Males began. I feel hurt/sad, like he didn’t want me. This part of me feels so sad. So hurt she missed out on her Dad’s love. (maybe why I put on my Smurf t-shirt?). These past few days also, I’ve been holding Tom in the distance. I think of him though I am still feeling pretty vulnerable. I couldn’t’ see him when I walked past just now. I would love to visit him, though all these thoughts arise like, will he want to see me? What if he doesn’t? I even told myself on Wednesday when he finished work, that he’d decided he didn’t want to follow on with our relationship anymore. I think I need to be mindful of while I’m in this space to not put him in my fathers role. I still am not clear what exactly Tom’s role is right now? Whether what we have is Physical, Emotional or Spiritual. The later two definitely. But perhaps a different Physical. I think I am simply scared. Some parts are tough. Like only seeing each other after work. As he does his thing outside of that. I feel frustrated as after work is my gym time. I’m compromising. YUM VANILLA BEAN”
My lessons and reflections from this writing piece…
– Be mindful of projecting stories onto loved one’s in life. ie – My father didn’t love me, therefore you don’t love me. Take ownership for your own story.
– Journal it out. Write about how you’re feeling. If that feels to hard, imagine writing about a character. Give your character a persona and imagine how he/she might feel or react. Really own all facets of emotions.
When I was first connecting to my anger – it felt so foreign and so I couldn’t connect with it. I imagined my anger looked like a little girl (the cute girl from Monsters Inc) and nicknamed her Dotti. Dotti had cyclone anger! It was easier for me to say that Dotti was angry before I learnt to say that I felt angry.
All relationships are AMAZING teachers, if you haven’t already heard the concept of them being a mirror for yourself – you’re going to hear it now.
What you see in another person, is in yourself.
Whether what you see is beautiful, challenging or other, it is a reflection of YOU. Notice your thoughts towards another person, then ask yourself, where is that in me? Watch what you want to own and not own, it’s all in you, an opportunity to discover the complexity of you. We can change how we view our external environment simply by acknowledging our inner. If you encounter an angry individual, ask yourself where am I angry? People are simply mirrors to what we need to acknowledge.