It’s now been just over 3 weeks since I left Australia. I have well & truly landed in Canadia town…
My head has been an array of thoughts, creating confusion, I have been trying to figure it all out, but you know what I’ve learnt. I can’t. I can’t figure shit out. I just have to let it be, it is what it is.
And this is one of the reasons, I think I caught myself a cold. For 3 days now, I’ve been full up of a running nose, headaches, tickly throat, and today, add coughing into the mix.
This has been such a huge transition, I think I needed to get out of my own way and let it be.
What I have been processing is that all that I knew is now in the past. Any and all routines are gone, any friends I saw regularly, gone. The routine of work now complete. The co-workers, familiar faces, no more. The networks, the communities, hobbies I connected with, no more. Everything is in the past. The canvas is blank, awaiting my next brush stroke. What do I want that to be? Do I want it to look the same as before? Or am I ready for something different? To embrace the new that I’ve been growing into?
I’m just now back from a walk, isn’t walking great – I think it allows an opportunity for new insights to drop in, for things to get clear.. What occurred to me, I spent MONTHS preparing for my departure from OZ, and now that I’m here, all that energetic preparation needs to root itself right?! As if I can just keep on keeping on once I landed here in Canada. The momentum of my energy needed to change, no longer preparing to leave, changing to grounding and rooting a new foundation. Bali was just a break, a holiday from the preparing.
Landing into a new country, semi new relationship, the new energies of that relationship, moving in together/sharing a room/bed/home, new area, new climate, new culture… Any wonder I feel the way that I do.
One can’t think their way through a change like this…
While I’ve been dancing my way through the above, intertwined in there also, is the million dollar questions of “what am I doing to do with my life!?” I have followed my heart, and moved to another country, on the opposite side of the world, now what? The funny thing is, I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t feel like joining the masses, into the work force. Into that false sense of security, joining society, pretending that I’m happy, that I want to live my life this way. In Bali, magical Bali, I really aligned to a new way of being. Of how disconnected we have become from the earth. Since when was it ok to rape the planet of food & resources and not give back to it? Since when was it ok to not understand the cycles of life & to carry out living as if what was really going on doesn’t matter.
My dear friend Simon, who is the Chef at Bali Silent Retreat – the retreat I stayed at for 2 weeks, is very passionate about using food that is grown local, that supports the locals and what is taken, is given back. Since my stay in Bali, I find myself now looking at the labels with even more scrutiny than I ever did. Looking at where each product has come from. Was it imported, or is it local. If it’s not local, I don’t want to know about it. Do you know what of your favorite foods have been imported??? It really puts things into a different perspective. To consider that foods journey to your side of the world. What labor went into it’s production, what fuel resources were used to get it to you. What the cost of this food is to you, vs the locals who have lived on it for centuries. Take this Quinoa seed story for example.
(This image is of Simons’ land in Bali at Bali Silent Retreat. It is rich & full of unique structures that support the growth and production of food, the land, the community. It maintains a cycle that will continue to support all, without one benefiting over the other. It is simply magic to behold.)
I now no longer want to be a part of the problem, I want to be a part of the solution, so I don’t see how I can continue to plug myself back into the system, the matrix if you will, and continue to pretend that I don’t know, to not take personal responsibility. Because to continue pretending that I don’t know is now no longer an option. I am a self responsible individual, I am here to make a difference, to be a part of the solution.
So once I’ve done landing my energy here in this beautiful Northern Hemisphere, and I feel ready to do what it is that I’m meant to be doing on this earth, I wonder where my spirit will guide me?
As this blog names suggests, I wanted to share a story about what saying YES to your goals + dreams really means, share the process and the fears that can potentially pop up when we step up to say YES to the life we want.
Here we go;
I had a great lesson recently. It is regarding abundance, manifestations & desires. I received the opportunity to fly to Canada for 1 week, with 1 weeks notice.
My initial reaction was = CRAZY!! But this is my life. Crazy and spontaneous is exactly the way I like it, so I’d asked for this!
Neil (a previous romance, who I wasn’t over, who pulled on my heart strings like crazy, who lived in Canada) said to me; “if you can find a return flight to Canada for 2K, I’ll fly you over for my 30th birthday!”
“Deal.” was my response.
I called my travel agent Lucy, at Flight Centre straight away, to tell her my story. Straight away she was online checking flights. She found one with China Air for $2100.
“Do you want me to book it?
“Um, let me check with Neil first”. I wanted to confirm he was really THAT serious, as his request was only via Viber.
“Ok, let me see if I can hold it for you. Yep, I can only hold it until tomorrow 5pm. Will you confirm with me tomorrow, if you want to go ahead? How exciting!” Lucy replied.
Neil had gone to bed on his side of the world, so I had to wait patiently until the next morning to call him.
Me to Neil. “Are you serious about me coming over, because I found a flight!”
“Yeah, what do you think, do you want too?”
So now that that’s clear, I need to arrange the details. Work, Flights etc…
I ring Jess (my Manager at work), to explain my story and request my leave, to leave in ONE WEEK. Keep in mind here, that at work we were very tightly staffed AND a colleague was already granted leave for 3 weeks during this time! What was my possibility going to be? “So um, you know how I’m going to Canada for my working holiday next year, well Neil, this guy I love, well, he wants to fly me over for his birthday, like next week, and, well, can I take time off work in like a weeks time?”
“Wow! Absolutely, we can make that happen. We’ll just look at the rosters and see what we can do!”
Ok cool, so the work thing is now sorted. Now to call Lucy and confirm my ticket. I thought I’d ask Lucy about changing the dates a little, because in my haste to search dates, I hadn’t really looked at my work schedule, I was more concerned with finding a 2K flight. She checked out some alternatives, but discovered that overnight, all flights had gone UP an extra $1500!! Not mine, because it had been held & secured. Talk about bloody luck!
I confirm with Lucy that this was going ahead and Neil is paying. After hanging up, I follow her email prompts to pay using his Credit Card. Because I was using his Canadian Credit Card, the Australian payment page was giving me a declined message. His card wouldn’t work in Australia. I call Lucy back, she suggested he could pay via BPAY. She gives me the codes, and I contact Neil and ask him to give this way a go.
On the phone with Lucy again, two further suggestions.
Over the phone & bank transfer.
As I am about to give Lucy Neils’ CC digits, I felt prompted to ask her; “I’m ok to travel aren’t I? My passport is valid until November this year, I’m still good right?”
“Noooooo” she replies. “You can’t travel with less than 6 months validity on your passport!”
“Whatdyamean, I can’t fly with less than 6 months validity, what’s the purpose of an expiration date on a passport, if you can’t fly up until it expires?”
“I’m not 100% sure why, but I know you can’t travel. Maybe call the embassy and double check. You can order an emergency passport”.
This is the point where I begin to ask myself;
– should I really be going
– why don’t I just wait until I go properly next year
– I’ll have more time to arrange my passport
– probably wasn’t meant to happen anyway
– I’m not paying for an emergency passport
– what a crazy idea – it was fun to think about & explore…
This is where my fear, rears its doubt & fearful reasoning…
This is the main crux of my story. That point, or threshold where we’re likely SO familiar.
The ego mind that is telling us that our dreams were just that. A dream. A nice idea and a fictional reality to indulge in.
Where we tell ourselves – ‘I could never do that – that’s crazy!’
That point of reasoning where we back down from that very thing that we want, when it’s almost within reach, when moving forward means stepping up into potential discomfort and GROWTH and OWNING what we want.
That’s right OWNING your dreams.
THE TURNING POINT
I call Neil, feeling a little defeated, like something has just died inside me. I explain to him about my passport & how I couldn’t travel. Here’s what he said.
“Just get a new one.”
Unattached to my story, my emotion, my thoughts. ‘Just get a new one!’
My story spills out of my mouth; “blah blah blah money, time, passport, how, money blah blah blah” (you get my jist, you heard it all above.)
“Don’t worry about it baby. I’ll pay for it. Call the travel agent, book the ticket, apply for a new passport, get your bum here, it’ll be fine.”
I hop off the phone, feeling like I’ve been pushed to my edges. My story has been blasted to smithereens and I’ve now got no excuse in the book, to stop me from going to Canada in 6 days time. 6 days! A passport in 6 days!
I call the embassy. They spell out the steps required to order an emergency passport in simple black & white. Simple. It’s actually really simple. Today is Wednesday. I calculate that I can head into the city Thursday afternoon to order my passport, pick it up Tuesday afternoon, then fly to Canada Wednesday. I’m not leaving the courier to chance. No way – I’m picking this puppy up myself!
PAYING FOR THE FLIGHT
It’s now 12:30pm, and I start work at 1pm. I have 30 mintues to drive to work & 4.5hrs to pay for my ticket. Should be easy.
I’m on the phone to Lucy again. This time we’re trying Neil’s Credit Card payment over the phone.
My ego speaks up again;
– maybe you’re not meant to be going
– if we pull out now, we’ll be safe, you won’t have to stress about an emergency passport. Shhhhhhh I tell it.
Lucy asks me if I can pay. Sadly that isn’t an option at the moment. I ask her about the bank transfer option she’d mentioned previously. Her Manager had removed pulled this off the table, saying the funds wouldn’t clear fast enough from Canada in time to pay for the ticket.
My options were out!
I’ve now left for work, driving, trying to figure out what I can do. Who can I borrow $2000 from? Who asks people for this kind of money?? How bad do I want to go to Canada for my dears birthday? I wanna go. Bad!
A name appears in my minds eye. Jules.
Jules: noun Your nearest and dearest bestie. Your nearest and dearest bestie who has just had a baby. Your nearest and dearest bestie who has just had a baby and has a 3 year old toddler. Your nearest and dearest bestie who has just had a baby, has a 3 year told toddler, and has just purchased her first family home with her partner.
Could I really be so cheeky to ask her to borrow this money? But it’s just until funds clear from Canada. But I still have to ask the question. It’s NEVER comfortable asking anybody for money. Coffee money. Lunch money. Let alone a $2000 ticket to Canada!
I have Eddie Murphys impression of Bill Cosby playing in my head. “Neeeed the money, to buy the ticKET! Get the money, to get the ticKET!” I call Jules, and I tell her my story, I ask if she can lend me the money to buy the ticKET. (without the Bill Cosby impersonation). I can tell that she wants to help me, but know it’s a loaded question. This is confirmed because she needs to speak to her partner, to get the all clear.
10 MINUTES PASS
I’ve arrived at my destination, and I’m walking from my car into work. Jules has called back. She’s spoken with her partner, and they’ve agreed they will help me, but need to know that the money is going to make it’s way straight back to them.
I feel my Solar Plexus.
I get this.
It’s a lot of money to request, give, and trust for anyone. Let alone a new family with 2 kids and a brand new mortgage.
I’m at work now.
I ask Jules if she would kindly call Lucy for me. Not having explained to Lucy what has actually happened in the past 30 minutes.
5 minutes later a text comes through from Jules.
YOU’RE GOING TO CANADA!!
The rest of the story falls into place from here. I got my passport easy. I got my shifts covered easy. Everybody at work said YES to covering me. Another dear friend even volunteered to swap her shifts at work so she could drive me to the airport! Easy. Everything was EASY! I said YES.
The universe said YES.
In summary, the point of my story sharing, is to illustrate that crucial crux point. That sticky threshold between choosing to stay where we are, or choosing to step up into something new.
Do you really want your dreams and desires in life, stepping up to the call and taking action?
Do you just keep doing what you’ve always done, continuing to achieve the same outcome?
I’ve shared this story with a few friends, and their response has been one of awe & inspiration! I hope by sharing it here with you, it will inspire you to notice your sticky points, step up to OWN your dreams and desires also.
They are your god-given (or spirit, universe, soul….) birthright. They are available to you right NOW!
Love & Marriage, do they really go together like a horse & carriage?
I don’t know, but what I do know is, I’ve recently had a perspective shift around this whole marriage thing.
Growing up with a single Mum who never married until semi recently, I never got the whole marriage thing.
I didn’t understand why people had this deep desire to be married with the house & while picket fence.
I’ve never dreamt of ‘the day’, the dress, the bridesmaids…
I’ve dreamt of adventuring the world, making life up as I go, not being bound to anyone thing or place, able to pack up and move as I choose. To have FREEDOM.
Sure I’ve wanted to meet someone with the same life dreams as me. To explore, to travel, to laugh, to love, to live a rich & meaningful existence and make a difference on this planet, but weddings & marriage…. Pfffftttt
BUT, recently, something has shifted in me, and maybe I’m a bit slow, maybe everyone knew this key ingredient before I did?
I’ve learnt that, when you meet someone, that really freakin special someone who you just adore, a person who you feel such a strong connection and knowing about them that you’ve never felt before. A person who shakes your world and you know you’re never going to quite be the same, someone who you just want to give the world to. You want to give them YOU, because you know that’s the deepest gift you can give someone, then, this whole marriage thing, begins to make a little more sense.
See I had this idea that marriage was something you DID. I’ve heard the stories, “Oh we’d been together long enough, it was time”, “It is for the kids really”, “It was the right thing to do”. So how is that appealing?!!
But what I’m learning/feeling, that maybe it was originally born from truly meeting a love, and wanting to sacredly gift yourself to them, a symbol of honoring the being that they are, and that you are choosing to come together to create the wonder of life TOGETHER. Maybe the materialism of it today has taken away its deepest meaning?
I was asked the about weddings the other day by a friends, she said, What would you want?
Pfffftt & blank face, I think was my response.
She laughed and suggested, “barefoot on a beach”.
I laughed back, and said, “Pretty much!”
So, whilst my sights aren’t set on a wedding, in sacred ritualistic gift to the one that I love, I would give my heart in ceremony to declare that I would love, care & support him until such a time where our souls contract says its time to part.
Might not be as ‘romantic’ as the TV shows & magazines, but its real and for me, a grand step in opening to this greater existence called life.
(I might add, that after my Pfffftt/blank face, I did also say – I’d have to talk with him and see what he would want. I believe your ceremony should be co-creative).
Part of what I have always visioned, is using my collection of journals to write my posts or potentially a book in the future.
I have this vision of writing snippets of my past, typing word by word accounts of a ‘day in the life’ of. Perhaps with the the intention of having that story resonate with individuals – who knows? It’s not up to me right.
So on this day 16 May 2009 here is what I wrote in my journal;
“I’ve had a lovely day so far. Wake, sleep, wake, eat, read, sleep. Bit of stretching, washing, cry. That was an interesting one. It’s actually a piece of the puzzle. All this opening Tom stuff. I read the Delta Wave Tip Off and she speaks of dealing with our father issues at present. She goes in instruction of how to have a soul conversation with your father and automatically I think “I can’t do that!” Not even about not knowing him, but more about how I couldn’t open my heart to him. And from what I’ve learnt, this is where my relationship with Males began. I feel hurt/sad, like he didn’t want me. This part of me feels so sad. So hurt she missed out on her Dad’s love. (maybe why I put on my Smurf t-shirt?). These past few days also, I’ve been holding Tom in the distance. I think of him though I am still feeling pretty vulnerable. I couldn’t’ see him when I walked past just now. I would love to visit him, though all these thoughts arise like, will he want to see me? What if he doesn’t? I even told myself on Wednesday when he finished work, that he’d decided he didn’t want to follow on with our relationship anymore. I think I need to be mindful of while I’m in this space to not put him in my fathers role. I still am not clear what exactly Tom’s role is right now? Whether what we have is Physical, Emotional or Spiritual. The later two definitely. But perhaps a different Physical. I think I am simply scared. Some parts are tough. Like only seeing each other after work. As he does his thing outside of that. I feel frustrated as after work is my gym time. I’m compromising. YUM VANILLA BEAN”
My lessons and reflections from this writing piece…
– Be mindful of projecting stories onto loved one’s in life. ie – My father didn’t love me, therefore you don’t love me. Take ownership for your own story.
– Journal it out. Write about how you’re feeling. If that feels to hard, imagine writing about a character. Give your character a persona and imagine how he/she might feel or react. Really own all facets of emotions.
When I was first connecting to my anger – it felt so foreign and so I couldn’t connect with it. I imagined my anger looked like a little girl (the cute girl from Monsters Inc) and nicknamed her Dotti. Dotti had cyclone anger! It was easier for me to say that Dotti was angry before I learnt to say that I felt angry.
All relationships are AMAZING teachers, if you haven’t already heard the concept of them being a mirror for yourself – you’re going to hear it now.
What you see in another person, is in yourself.
Whether what you see is beautiful, challenging or other, it is a reflection of YOU. Notice your thoughts towards another person, then ask yourself, where is that in me? Watch what you want to own and not own, it’s all in you, an opportunity to discover the complexity of you. We can change how we view our external environment simply by acknowledging our inner. If you encounter an angry individual, ask yourself where am I angry? People are simply mirrors to what we need to acknowledge.
I had a wonderful chat with a friend this morning. We sat on the rocks down at Freshwater Beach, and soaked in the magic of where we were. I said to him, “I just can’t get enough of this, I wish I could dissolve into it”.
We were talking about all things human and experience orientated and the funny old ways in which we will look at life and our experiences.
He took the example of the fresh ocean lap pool, and how we might look at it and say “Ooh I bet it’s cold in there”, forgetting to look at all the other elements that exist. ie there were two other swimmers enjoying their laps, there were free lanes available, the sky was nothing but blue, it was fresh & invigorating, the morning was truly stunning! One example – but I’m sure we can apply this to any area of our lives.
This reminded me of thoughts I’ve been having about my recently published “Who is Heidi Firth?” story. Recently I called my Mum to tell her that the story was up on my website – for all to read. I’d projected how this might potentially land for her, and anybody else that may read it from the small town that I grew up in. One of the thoughts I’d acknowledged before my call was that the story sounded all bad. It focused on those “Monumental Moments” that had shaped me to make the person I’d become in the world. But these past few days, I’ve been thinking about how I failed to share the really great stuff. The stuff we often forget about and forget to have gratitude for.
So this mornings catch up chat with Dan, has inspired me to wipe the slate clean. I am going to remove the original “Who is Heidi Firth?” story, and write the new revised one. I’m going to flip the perspective, because that story is OLD news now, and not who I am today.
Since going live on this site and Facebook, it has drawn out a part of me. A scared timid part that was hiding. She’s so cleaver at hiding, I didn’t even know she was there. Maybe she was playing hide and seek and forget to tell me the rules?
I’d had a bit of a theme running in my background about being alone, actually if I’m really honest – about not feeling worthy enough to be loved. I had an amazing acupuncture session with Milton Lee last Thursday – and at the tail end of that session the water works exploded. He’d said that my heart & kidneys were not communicating with each other, that my heart was nervous. By the end of my time on his table, I was in tears having acknowledged this old untruth that I, many years ago had chosen to believe.
It’s funny you know – because it just goes to show the power of the human mind. I, adult self, Heidi, know this NOT to be true. I am surrounded by beautiful like minded people daily. I am very blessed. But this background belief, running so far from my consciousness, shapes the *reality* of the world I live in.
Ok – so it’s been on my mind – how much I would really love to meet someone, fall in love – and continue a bliss filled life together with them. I mean, I’m 35 years old now – this can’t be an unreasonable request can it? Friends around me are living it – why can’t I? “Because you’re not worthy of it” says the unconscious little voice somewhere in my brain. BOOM… Look what I am creating!
So where to from here, from this acknowledgement. Make a choice to change. But how? Noticing how I choose to show up in each moment of my day. Who am I being? What decisions am I making? Accepting people’s love and support.
It started last night with a visit to a friend. As I arrived she’d made me a hot water bottle and greeted me with a warm hug, and I openly accepted it. This morning, a Personal Training session with a Trainer to have her carry my towel & bottle from equipment to equipment. Mildly uncomfortable, but hints of warmth and support. Forgetting my wallet this morning and needing to ask a friend for a coffee, again a little uncomfortable – but if roles were reversed – what would I do for that friend?!
So the answer? I don’t need to know it all right now, just notice in each moment, how can I choose to accept something different for myself?
You’ve stumbled upon my very first blog for my very first website.
I have decided that the time is now to get writing and spreading whatever it is that I’m meant to be spreading. This website has been created without effort and so I have figured that the whole venture should remain the same – without effort.
You will notice that my website is not complete. It is not ‘perfect’. In fact, there are bits n pieces everywhere, but you know, that’s ok. It felt overwhelming to me to get it right before I started writing, before I went live, so the other night I said to my friend, I just want it live. I want to start. I have the sneaky suspicion that he thinks I’m nuts.
At this stage in the game, I can’t define what it is that I do. I know my outcome, but to call it something, seems to shrink the very possibility of the outcome, but at the end of the day, it’s not about what I can do, it’s about what you can do.
Somewhere on this website I have started to write my story, again this is incomplete, but it’s a start.
My intention is that through telling my story, it will inspire you to create change for yourself in your life, whatever shape or form. It might be to have a better relationship with yourself, or maybe one with your food, or to figure out why the same experience keeps showing up for you time and time again… There are lots of different paths that my journey has been delving me into.
So I’m going to let this have a life of its own and see where it takes me.
If you’re intrigued, follow me and see what happens, it can be like one of those choose your path books that were available when we were kids. Which way should she go, path A or path B?
So far I know this is about branding me, who I am, and what I’ve done in life so far, so there won’t be any boundaries between personal and professional. As far as I’m concerned they’re one in the same. How we do one thing, we do all things. I’m not going to wear my masks for one job and take them off for another, that’s not living an authentic life to me.
So go ahead, click the follow button, and if you have any thoughts/comments I’d love to hear them. Let’s make this interactive and fun and see where it takes us.