Neils’ Dad has been here visiting for the weekend. He lives in Campellville, Ontario.
I’ve met him twice before when Neil & I visited for Christmas & the packing down of his Mothers’ Condo in Milton.
He’s a lovely man, a real Dad type. I guess what other type is there really? I think I mean that he’s what I imagined a Dad to be like?
I never met my Dad, or ever had a Dad figure in my life.
I’ve learnt that it’s no small thing to have never met your Father, whether you’re a Male or a Female. Both positions can leave a firm imprint on any Adult during their childhood. For me, I didn’t know that not having a Father was a different way to grow up, until I got to school. I succinctly remember being in the playground at 5 years of age, and all the other kids were talking about their Dads. One of them asked me about mine, I replied “I don’t have one.” In that moment, at my tender age of 5, I felt a distinct separation from me and them, the other kids. I took on that there must been something wrong with me, for me to not have a Dad. Huge Moment. Huge belief set in place.
That untrue belief, from my innocent mind, set the scene for my life. “There must be something wrong with me.”
I went on to create a life that set me apart from the rest. Thinking that I was different from others.
I believe that this incident + running from the pain of Sexual Abuse, has seen me roam the world in search of myself. I wouldn’t have said it at the time, but I guess I was seeking something outside of myself, only to be brought back to myself. Much like The Alchemist story. At 20 years old, I sure as hell wasn’t ready to look within. Years of establishing this belief had become my truth.
I had inner dialogues running of; I’m not worthy, there’s something wrong with me, and nobody loves me.
I ran to binge drinking, crazy partying, pill popping… this eventually turned into obsessive exercise/gym habits, a body building competition, & elimination diets & restrictive eating. I eventually crashed. This coincided with delving into myself during a Vision Quest that was a part of my Life Coaching Diploma. I landed depressed for 2.5 years and had no where to turn, but to myself. Those days were extremely dark & tough going – I didn’t know if I was going to make it through. I would dream of not being here, not being a burden to anyone. Though they were shit, I wouldn’t take them back. I’m a richer, loving, more compassionate person because of coming back to myself.
Not all absent Dad stories are the same. This one is mine. It has seen me on a journey of transformation. Of coming back to who I innately am. This is all there is. To know who you are at your core is priceless. I feel like I have finally arrived at a place where I am me. Who I was born to be in this world. I am connected to Source daily & am guided, step by step to take my path of purpose. I need nothing else.
I now do not feel sad for the Father I never knew, I don’t feel angry towards Steve for what he did. I look at the upbringing I had with deep gratitude. I remember my Life Coach said that one day I would be grateful for my pain, and see it as a gift. I understood it intellectually then, but now feel it as truth.
The anger & pain that I held onto, unconsciously, for years has been greatly released. I am free from digestive issues, I am free from anxiety & fear based ways of being. I am free to make decisions lead by my heart and choose a life of freedom.
There is no greater gift than FREEDOM!! Freedom has been my life mantra, now I feel I embody it, rather than chase it. Ah ho!