A Cathartic Winter

My last post was on 16 May.  3 Months ago!  What a 3 months it has been.  Nothing short of small.  I don’t know about you, but from what I’ve heard from the collective – it has been a cathartic time.  Everyone has been experiencing great change in their own way.

Me.  Mine has been very internal.  If you’ve seen me, I might look calm, composed, or maybe even a bit quiet/reserved.  But internally it’s looked like The Tower card from the Tarot Card set.

A Cathartic Winter - The Tower

I’ve mostly been journaling my thoughts, keeping them to myself, which has helped me shift what is circling internally, moving it outwards.  Always important.  Wim Hof breathing has been a consistent, and being a Hermit has felt oh-so-right.

As mentioned in my previous post, I went through a death.  So my understanding is that through this Winter period, that phase continued.  When you think about Winter – what thoughts do you conjure?  I think of Bears hybinating.  Taking time out to sleep, rest, restore.  Call me a Bear.

It’s only with this newness of Spring energy that I am beginning to take steps out of my cave.  2 steps forward, 1 step back.  A little tentative and new on foot.  Feeling slightly awkward and uncomfortable in social settings.  1 step back.

Old ways have been shed.  Ways that I knew myself to be for so long.  I don’t quite know what to expect now.  I’ve been visioning for the past month – feeling into what I wish to create.  Law of Attraction states this will be so.  Feeling my inner landscape and living aligned to my self, not getting swept up in my physical reality as that is just passing through as change is shed.

I’ve been rewiring thoughts, choosing me more and more.  In moments where I would send love to someone, I am choosing to redirect it to me first.  I’ve been a needy bugger.  Often looking for love external of myself, we all do don’t we?  I’ve found this new.  I want to give so much in order to be loved in return, but this pattern seems to have pushed people away.

So I’m in the midst of this change.  Choosing me irrespective of the other.  Becoming more self sufficient.  Becoming so attractive in my own love, that love from another wouldn’t even matter.  Of course welcome, but irrelevant.  You know what?  It feels yummy!  It’s not conditional, it is constant.  Always available.  There is great peace here.

I am learning to walk again, holding this valuable gift, vulnerable to the old ways wanting to trick me back.  This is why I’ve been absent on Facebook.  I’ve wrapped myself up gently, and am holding myself sacred.  Emerging out slowly, to experience and integrate only when I want.

I have some big visions brewing.  They require great change.  I’ve been preparing myself, shedding old ways to make way for these new vibrations.  It is so tremendously exciting… I’m on the right track, I know it.  Such a welcome relief.

A Cathartic Winter - The Fool & The Sun

If you’re interesting in exploring this topic more deeply, connect with me;

Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here

Chat with Heidi here

Use this tool to shift old habits and funky energy

You know when you wake up in the morning (feeling like P Diddy), and you’re present to some funk. Not the dance kind, but the energetic kind.
Sometimes you sit with it, sometimes you can move it.
In this video I share a little of my funk and remind you how you can simply ask it what it needs. Simple right? Ya – I thought so too.

Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here
Chat with Heidi here

How do I heal my Inner Child?

There hasn’t been much inspiration for blogging recently, I’ve been knee deep in emotional healing, loving my Inner Child, much to the disappointment of my inner ‘get things done’ self.  Apparently now is a time of deep inner healing, as reflected to me by my healer friend.

There’s been resistance with the acceptance of this, I mean, I am in the perfect place to be healing, but seriously, how long does one have to heal for – can I get on with the show already? Am I right?

It feels as though this year has been relentless in the pursuit of healing. The whole of 2016! In numerology this year is a 9 year, a year of endings. 2+0+1+6=9. Representing the ending of a 8/9 year cycle, and I tell you what, these numbers aren’t lying.  This last year feels like it has been dying a slow death, like the transition of seasons from fall to winter – but longer.

After spending 8.5 months in a Silent Retreat, 2.5 in Ubud – I feel like physically, I have not achieved one thing. Sure, there may be a few blog posts to show, pages and pages of scribbled journaling’s – most of which are ash by now.  I have 2 suitcases filled with my belongings & have accumulated one beautiful gifted wooden Ganesha representative of destroying my obstacles.  Sounds like a pretty clean simple year no?

Internally it looks like the Sahara desert, intuitively I feel endless rolling hills of cleared debris & destruction.  You can’t see my inner landscape, I can’t prove to you how much inner work I’ve done. We cannot sit and compare notes and graphs about who’s inner work is going to have the biggest return on investment, because this shit can’t be seen. When times like this in life present, (and yes I say times like this, as this isn’t the first time I’ve experienced this), it is so easy to forget that life exists outside of the inner destruction that has occurred.

I forget that there IS a life of dreams and desires, of the world’s greatest riches. I forget that there are manifestations of unknown awaiting my rebirth into the world. I forget that there is a sea of possibility just begging me to grab a hold of it with both hands. I forget that I am a valued being on this planet and another voice for Mother Earth. I forget. I am lost in my inner Star Wars Movie – the battle of the dark side against the light.

how do I heal my Inner Child?

This recent battle is just about over. One that has invited my inner teenager with all her wounds, aches and pains. I was gifted a beautiful encounter with a gorgeous Balinese Man who’s smile was enough to make my heart melt, and it pretty much did. It has been about one full year since anyone had looked at me, so to feel my butterflies dance in my tummy was a strange, but exciting feeling – I decided to explore it. Why not?

Edges were met & my fears emerged, I didn’t know whether to let the whole thing go and continue to protect my precious heart, or to open and expand despite these fears. A trip back to the Silent Retreat and a deep dig towards some inner courage saw me return to Ubud lighter and ready to explore.

My heart was opened again and I felt as vulnerable as a fresh teenager rich with new hormones. She was out in full force. The beauty of this relationship was a test of this vulnerable part of myself – would she seek fulfillment in another, or would I (adult Heidi) rise to the challenge and be there to catch her – to meet her needs.

Heart open, arms wide, I was there to catch her, there could be no other way, because he was not available, nor is it his job. His heart closed, encased behind walls of hurt & pain. She kicked & screamed and yelled at me for love, so show up for her did. Time spent laying on my bed, holding my heart, tears streaming, journaling & meditation to hold her tightly was all I could do from going crazy thinking about him.

An external force brought into my world to make me show up stronger than I ever have for myself.  It’s been a good month of parenting myself, it has been wild & relentless. I am SO thankful to see who I am and understand how to care for me, to not throw myself at another in the vain ‘hope’ that he will give me what I needed to give myself.

The relationship has come to a close, and I am feeling a little more settled within my heart, aware of new lessons on the cusp. Trust & Intimacy… This inner work, really is akin to work – seriously! If there was a way to be paid for it, I would be onto the winning ticket.

Our relationships really are nothing but mirrors for us. Showing up to teach us the deepest parts of ourselves we have not yet met. It takes courage to engage in conscious relationships – that shit ain’t easy.

“the road can teach you how to love and let go,
it can be lonely, but it’s the only thing, that we’ve ever known…”

Wash It Away
Nahko Bear

> If you’re needing support in gaining clarity around your Inner Child within relationships, contact me at me@heidifirth.com or Be Your Own Guru – Worldwide on Facebook.