the story from today…

It feels a super long time since I wrote and shared my personal story, and there is an extremely good reason for it.  Like everything, I put it down to timing, and when I write, it has to feel right, there needs to be a flow.  I don’t share for the sake of sharing. Like nature and her cycles, there’s a time for introspection and learning, and there’s a time for expansion and blossoming.

Though these past few weeks, I have been feeling my pull.  Last night I started writing in my head, this morning, this is what flowed.  It feels good to remerged.

It’s taken a long time to ground in Queenstown.  Part of me wonders if we’re meant to in the intense energies here.  The dance of the mountain peaks & the deep dark depths of Lake Wakatipu, invite a spinning vortex of highs and insightful lows.

I wanted to physically move since Amanda moved out.  Knowing that my home environment wouldn’t be the same.  But the energies guided me to stay in that Fernhill home, and I’m grateful that they did.

Life became emotionally tough from then on.  I was invited into new shadows within myself.  I became so deeply trigger by my love for another, I withdrew from social gatherings and social media, I dove into my discomforts to uncover what lay beneath.

What I found was stuff I already knew, but like the continual layers of an onion, there was more.

I felt the pain of what drove me from New Zealand, my country of birth.  The running I’d done, magically masked as travelling & adventure.  Ultimately I was running from my hurt within, which when mirrored in the one I loved, showed up like a kick in the face as I ate his dust when he ran.

All of the ‘I’m not good enough / I’m not worthy’ pain.   All the feels from my excruciating teenage years of self loathing.  At one time during that winter – there was so much anxiety within, the mountain became my only home and place of comfort.

At the same time, my love for this person wouldn’t quit.  I’ve become Queen of detaching from non serving relationships.  Moving on once the lessons have been learnt and accepting the seasonal nature of our meeting.  But this soul.  He stuck in the forefront of my mind and literally drove me insane!  I could not detach!  What the fuck was this?  How come I can’t let go and move on?

I visited Dion, a local Maori healer to receive support and cut cords that were attached.  This brought up uncomfortable feels, but days later, no cigar.  He was STILL present!  A few weeks later, I was blessed to receive a distance healing from one of Dion’s students.  The breakup theme presented, aspects got cleared, but still remained.  I could NOT understand why I could not let go.

I decided to try a ‘radical’ approach, and accept his constant presence on my brain.  I went all in, and started a journal as if writing to him, all thoughts and experiences I was having.  We weren’t in contact at all, I had also restricted my connection to his social media to honour and give myself the space I needed to heal.

My words and the acceptance of what was, helped bring some ease, but didn’t make the connection lessen.

Through this time my housemate was unconditional with my sharings.  She would listen to me share the craziness at which I felt.  Why can I not simply turn this off?  Why are my feelings magnified?  All the triggers and emotional purging that was relentless!

This time of emotional healing and reflection, I somehow stumbled on a Woman on YouTube, Queen of Light 1111, who shares tarot readings on Divine Feminine & Divine Masculine, otherwise know as – Twin Flame connections.  I’d heard about Twin Flames during my Nature Care days, but thought them to be as elusive as a Unicorn.

QOL’s readings because a light in my dark tunnel as she put words to the energies, emotional purging and absolute craziness I was feeling.  I began looking into the whole twin thing more and more.  Watching videos and reading articles that best shared the extent of this connection.

I still doubted that this was a thing.  Still leaning towards the fact that I was crazy and there was something wrong with me for not being able to let go.

Videos suggested I could ask for confirmation if this was a Twin Flame connection, and have the universe respond to my request.  I received various universal confirmations of this, which felt so double edged.  Gratitude for such knowing, polarized with self doubt and judgement at my one sided relationship with such a being.

During this time I had this Cannabis Oil experience which I wrote about here.  This blew my mind out of the water, and solidified everything!

I almost expected him to walk into my house that night for the strength of what I came to realize!

The dance continued, its peaks and troughs.  But knowing meant nothing.  I couldn’t talk to him about this.  It didn’t feel right.  At all.  I had to trust the timing of that.

One emotional day, I found myself in complete surrender.  Purging, crying, releasing pain of the excruciating connection and knowing.  I cried for lifetimes the hardness of it all.  I was a pile of mush on my bed.  Unable to move.  I didn’t know what was next, other than to sink into that dark hole.  I lay on my bed motionless.  Then my phone rang.  It was him.

We hadn’t spoken in a long time, and not only that, he wasn’t even in the country.  He was calling me from the top of a remote island!  WTF!

When I surrender to my greatest ability, he’s there almost without fail.  To call, or text to tap back in.  It feels as if there is zero escape.

Sometimes I feel peace, sometimes I feel doubt and despair.  Sometimes I wonder if what I’m even feeling is my own.

Thoughts of him evolved into feeling him.  He is now a constant presence within my being.  I now know him as me.  But I am learning to navigate the complexity of thoughts, energy and feelings now.  Lately I awake from sleep and feel a theme to process, but there is zero emotion attached, and I know I’ve already moved through it.  It almost feels like a repeat.  I wonder if that is him communicating with me and seeking support to move through it?  This interaction is new.

Lately I feel when he is thinking about me and the speed at which he moves through something he’s processing.  If we’ve not spoken recently, I can feel the energy build of when he’s going to reach out to connect.

At times I still doubt the intensity of this connection, as we’ve not solidified it in the physical.  In fact, right now I’m working through his latest hurtful words to me.  It’s brutal and totally relentless.  My rational mind says leave.  Get the fuck away from this guy and move on.  And, in the past – hell yeah, I’d be gone.  No one has ever treated me so badly, yet I have loved so goddamn much. 

The lessons I’m learning, are that unconditional love is just that.  UNCONDITIONAL.  His projections of me, are projections of his hurt aspects of self.  And they need love.  Mine and his.  Ours.  Love dissolves our deepest shadows.  Love doesn’t run.  I trigger his shadows, as he does mine.  And we are learning to walk in our shadows with love. 

Somehow I signed up for this.  I signed up for unconditional love.  It doesn’t look like a conventional relationship.  But then we are far from conventional beings.  We are perfect divine mirrors showing each other our truth.  The truth of our hurts and pains, our darkest ugliest hurts.  It’s fucking tough, and relentless as FUCK, and I’m here.  Grounded.  In it.  Navigating the hell out of these stormy seas.  I can’t detach.  I can’t run.  I can’t execute old patterns I know so well.  They don’t work.  I tried.  I have to face the storm head on, like the warrior woman that I am.  And trust, like all waves, it will pass. 

So for now, this is me.  In the high seas of divine orchestration, navigating my return home.

As always, I am here to support.

If you’re interested in exploring this topic more deeply, connect with me;

Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here

Connect with Heidi here

Ascension and Twin Flame Union

Ooooo weeee, we’re on another doozy of a ride right now!

There are many ascension shifts happening on this dear planet of ours, we’re feeling it in our fibers of being, manifesting into our deepest thoughts, and rippling into the Earth where she is feeling us.

I have been beginning to see the fruits of my labor these past months.  This quiet time that I had given myself, why it was SO necessary, and what I have risen to in the invitation to go within.

I had an uncomfortable decision to make months ago.  I was uncomfortable in my skin, and I just didn’t know why.  I was deep into comparison mode, low in self belief and confidence and just wasn’t feeling my bright shiny self.

I was a part of a trio of friends that had come together to create something, we had a vision, and it was manifesting at a rapid rate, except that I wasn’t contributing to it physically, there was something in me that wasn’t moving forward within it.

It felt like something external to me, and the space I was in was not connecting with it.  I shared how I was feeling with the others, and they supportivly listened and reflected back where I was at, but it didn’t shift anything.  It only made me feel worse.  The next day, while at work, going over the situation in my mind, it occurred to me that I just needed to let go of the whole thing.  It made zero sense, but it felt like the right decision to make.  Right then and there, I needed to share this, to clear it and make the shift that was needed.

In making this decision, I immediately began to feel better.  Lighter, freer, more at peace.  I finally felt at ease with my peers.  However, there was still dust that needed to settle.  We never created the opportunity to speak and clear in person, and so the Universe stepped in and decided to play her cards and magic.

This time apart from them, saw me return to my own self.  I came to remember the magical being that I am.  No more comparison, no more wondering why I wasn’t doing the things, and trying to make S.H.I.T happen, just me.

In me returning to me, it became apparent that I hadn’t be choosing me so fully, that I’d lost connection to me somehow.  I’d been swept up in the physicality of life, and in the desire to create the things.

Returning to me, reminded me that me is all there is.  My connection to self and personal energy and vibration are all that matters.  A deeper relationship with myself was beginning to grow.  Now – I’ve been doing me for YEARS – but this was another layer of relationship growing.  Oh the layers!

Daily practices of Meditation, Wim Hof Breathing, Energy Clearing, listening to the teachings of Abraham all became my tools.  It has been the MOST important thing to wake up and align to me first and foremost!  A natural move away from Social Media and the noise that is there felt right, and a peacefulness in the simplicity of being stepped in.

No need to check what anyone else was up to, sharing, had to say, event that was on, just the beauty of being and knowing that everything is within.

This new relationship with myself is joyous and delicious, like a gift I have no intention of sharing lightly, (yet).  Choosing only things that fulfill me, or give to another in need.

Fast forward to last weekend, I found myself in the position of a Cannabis Oil ride!  Not intentional at all, but somehow divine, magical and profound.

I was with two friends this one afternoon in Queenstown, and one friend had in his pocket, a small bottle of the oil.  He opened it, tapped some onto his hand, and licked it off.  I asked him about it, and its effects.  He said it would just make one feel relaxed.  I extended out my hand towards him.

I licked if off without thought, curious at the taste, and that was that.  Our conversation continued until it was time to take Jen home.

Many hours later at the dinner table in my home, surrounded by my housemates, good cheer, and the most delicious sticky date pudding EVER, I am loosing it!  I am giggling and crying and having a relationship with my dessert.  Kate asks, “what did he give you?”

At this point it’s becoming a little trippy trying to speak, and explain what the heck is going on through the tears of laughter.  I retreat to the lounge where YouTube and Tash Sultana are there to greet me.

As soon as I sit on the couch, I know I’m in for a ride.  I can understand what Tash is saying through her music.  She is responding to my thoughts and together we’re in a conversation.  I think “oh shit, here we go again”, as just a short number of years previously I’d experienced a similar ride that saw my consciousness shift monumentally.  Read that post here.  So understandably fear arose then and there.

Though this was part of the beauty that was about to unfold.  Every thought, feeling and emotion was heard and reflected by Tash, and our souls were in dialogue, guiding through the journey of surrendering into the fear, and releasing that old, all that was no longer needed.

For hours we ‘talked’.  I shifted and surrendered years of crap that was no longer needed, as I ascended higher into what was calling me.  It was apparent that I’d reached an ascension.  I heard words that bookmarked that moment.  I felt a wave of relief, knowing that I was working tirelessly to shift these patterns.

But the ride was not over yet!  Round two.

So the journey with Tash continued, and inner dance of surrender.  Her song – Jungle, singing to me the sounds of another journey I was/am on.  My Twin Flame Journey.

I have been diving into this a bit over the past months.  Watching YouTube videos, and gathering knowledge and insights into what this is and signs and symptoms.  This song that she was singing, was a direct message from my DM to me.

In my minds eye I saw the fabric of the Universe.  I saw our place within it, and the DNA helix that creates it.  I saw my light, and purpose in this lifetime, and the current fear that is preventing me from stepping up so fully into my power.  I breathed through fear that is keeping me small, and saw how this solo journeying work that I’ve been doing has been SO necessary, (the reason why I shared the above story).

I saw clearly.

Then suddenly I knew we were in Union.  We’d reached Union in the non-physical.  Our souls have made contact and have connected completely in the Energetic, it is only a matter of time, final lessons, and surrendering until we connect in the Physical.

I know for sure that I am on this ride.  Signs are so clear, intuition is high, and communication is happening in the 5D.  There is so much magic here and right now it’s not the right time to dive in and share, but in time, it will be right.

So for now, I just wanted to write and share this aspect of the ride, as it has been monumental and extraordinary.  So perfect, magical and wild.

My ego mind has been a curious monkey, and it is incredible how much we are to surrender what we think we know, in the quest for greater connection and understanding.

If you’ve read this far, thank you for being here and riding this wave with me, stay tuned for more all in divine time.

Ascension & Twin Flame Union

As always, I am here to support.

If you’re interested in exploring this topic more deeply, connect with me;

Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here

Connect with Heidi here

 

One year on home soil

It’s kinda tough to illustrate 1 year in just a few words or images, but this month, it’s been 1 year that I’ve been back on home soil.

I can’t quite believe it.

1 year ago I landed all bright eyed and optimistic of what was to come being back in the West and in New Zealand.

Well, it’s been a doozy!

I made beautiful friends, fell in love, enjoyed my first season snowboarding (bucket list tick).  Gotten clear on what I intend to create for my next life’s chapter.  I found a deeper home within.

On the flip side; friends have gone, old ways died and dissolved, hearts broken, unknowns expanded, a whole new way being birthed.

It’s tough to paint in words the internal shifts and changes that have taken place – as I’m the only one who can see there.

But I just wanted to bookmark this moment. Acknowledge 1 year in New Zealand. My first year back after 18 away.

I know I’m at the beginning of some great new beginnings, I can feel it. Maybe it’s Spring? Maybe it’s the stars? I know it’s everything. Everything I’ve done, grown, shifted, transformed. It’s all coming together.

In time, the internal will show externally.

Clearing Entities + Building an Energetic Self Care Practice

I had a conversation recently with a colleague, and we acknowledged how good we are both feeling, and that it feels like we have finally pulled through something.  I can’t even begin to explain this, it is wonderful!  It is extremely wonderful to finally feel SO good!

I feel filled with anticipation for the time ahead.  I don’t know exactly what this is, but I can feel it, I have intentions, there are conversations – and if these represent what is coming, it’s going to be amazing!  We’re talking road trips, travel, health, empowerment and location independence with love by my side.

But yesterday, I came home from work, and needed to rest, I felt depleated.

When I got to my room, short of falling asleep, I was drawn to meditate.  I needed to clear the hectic energy I’d picked up from the store.  A few minutes into it, I felt really bleeeehhh, heavy, nauseous, like I was processing something heavy.  But because I know how good I’ve been feeling, I KNEW this wasn’t mine to process.  I tuned in a little more, and it became apparent I’d picked up some filthy entity along the way, that jumped on for a ride.  Bleeeeehhh!  I demanded it leave immediately, making way for it to leave with light, an abundance of sage and intention.  Filthy Fucker!  Excuse me – but it was disgusting!  This is not the first time I have cleared an entity from my being, but maybe one of the first that has felt so yuck.

It really reminds me the importance of energetic self care, and how we need to come to know our own energy, so that we don’t allow these entities to jump aboard for free rides.

What this shows up as, is feeling less than our bright shiny selves.  It might make us feel bad, uncomfortable, emotional, unmotivated, and not even know why?

So I cleared that filthy fucker and immediately began to express audible sighs of relief as I returned to my feeling good buzz.

So this leads onto the topic of energetic self care, a present one with friends.

It took me a long time to build my energetic self awareness.  I had to deal with the discomfort of supermarkets and malls, of demanding customers and students – and multiple uncomfortable conversations.  I had to integrate my learnt communication skills to protect myself moment to moment.  That coupled with a meditation practice, showed me my inner landscape.  It took time.  I liken it to running a marathon.  You can’t run a marathon without first training for one.  You start slowly, building up your cardiovascular fitness and endurance.  You have a training programme that supports you in getting there.

The same goes for building your energetic self awareness, you have to start with the first step of training.  Haha – I just had an image of Mr Miyagi in Karate Kid.

clearing entities + building an energetic self care practice

 

 

 

 

The most necessary first step I would suggest is;

Start a Meditation Practice

Come to know your inner landscape.  Your innermost thoughts, how your energy sits in your body.  If it is new to you, start with just 5 minutes per day, build up your consistency.  Focus on your breath.  Watch your in and out breaths.  Don’t even worry about trying to clear your mind.  Just give yourself a focus point.  Acknowledge any and all fears or blocks you may have from starting your practice.  Anything to do with preconceived ideas about how you think it should be.  It will be perfect and exactly how it is.  We don’t preplan a conversation with a friend or colleague before we enter into it, it is perfect in the very moment it is happening.  Meditation is the same.  Just start and breathe.

You can watch my video here – for further information.

Start with this practice as the first step.

If you already have a practice, I’d love to share the benefits you receive.
If you’re looking at starting one, I’d love to hear how you’re enjoying it.

Please feel free to send me a DM, I love hearing from you.

Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here
Chat with Heidi here

 

My funk, gives permission to your funk

Sometimes the day calls for gentleness and not so much action.

This ride can be a challenging one when sometimes the next step is NOT clear, but a decision needs to be made.

Such is the case for me today, and as a result (I think), my thoughts and feels, are funky and so it’s been a slow day for me.

Despite having tools, I’m normalizing that this path is tough and unknown and that it’s impossible to be upbeat and optimistic all the time.

“the only way forward is through’

Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here
Chat with Heidi here

Use this tool to shift old habits and funky energy

You know when you wake up in the morning (feeling like P Diddy), and you’re present to some funk. Not the dance kind, but the energetic kind.
Sometimes you sit with it, sometimes you can move it.
In this video I share a little of my funk and remind you how you can simply ask it what it needs. Simple right? Ya – I thought so too.

Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here
Chat with Heidi here

Use this simple tool for Negative Self Talk

Here I share a super simple tool you can use every time you observe a negative thought, or witness a story you know is not true.

By doing so, you program your mind to chose the thoughts you want to align to.

This isn’t about negating what is, it’s about acknowledging it, and coming back to what you DO want. Simples. So it should be.

Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here
Chat with Heidi here

Conversations on sex and self pleasure

Conversations recently are beginning to amp around the topic of sex and relationships.  Perhaps it’s that Venus has recently been in Retrograde, so she’s been digging up all the stuff we needed to release and transform, preparing us for another step forward in the journey of self love and awareness.

I’m loving it, because some beautiful experiences have recently come my way.  A beautiful intimate experience with another and satisfying conversations with girl friends, breaking down the aftermath of insights preceding it.  It’s touched on a really deep desire to talk about and explore the intricate nature that are intimate relationships.

From the conversations had with another, to the nitty gritty of what happens in the bedroom.  What this comes down to I believe, is that it’s not a topic we have been encouraged to explore and learn about since the day we were old enough to understand, what is sex & where do babies come from?

I was given a picture book which illustrated dogs and puppies to humans and babies, my girlfriend nods in acknowledgement that she too was given a book.  We’re taught in school that girls get periods and to put a cotton tampon in your vagina each month and BAM that’s pretty much it, oh and to take the contraceptive pill if you’re sexually active.

There’s no information about about moon cycles, red tents, TSS – toxic shock syndrome, how to manage emotions, the emotional healing and clearing of the month, and forget about the magical wonder of being a Woman.  (I don’t mean to section out Men right now.  I do think there should be the equal education for Men, however at present I am reflecting on my personal story to date – as, I am a Woman).

We’re not taught about female pleasure, orgasms, yin/yang energy, kissing, boundaries or the importance of communication and the differences between Males and Females.  Think Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.  Nope, it’s just a make things up as you go kinda deal.  Which really, is life in general, learning to fly as you’re building the plane.  I’m not finger pointing or making our parents or teachers wrong, just merely pointing out the ‘what if’ it was different?

What if we were taught?  What if, we start teaching now?

I am sure that I am not the only one who grew up not having a clue about any of this.  I remember discovering my orgasm by accident and feeling such guilt that I had touched myself to do so.  It took me years to remove that self created pattern from my body.

They say that only about 57% of Woman can orgasm through intercourse, and can only orgasm through direct clitoral stimulation.  I personally believe there’s a whole underground to uncover here.  One of the main themes being of shame and worth.  Shame and worth to receive pleasure.  To allow the expansive nature of surrender and receive from your partner.  This merely being the trigger to unlock the depth of generational wounding from our history as Woman.  No wonder period pain is classified ‘normal’ in this day and age.

Let me make it clear that period pain is NOT normal!

Even now my conversations with my girlfriends still hold an element of feeling like we don’t have the power to state what it is that we like and don’t like.  There seems to be this age old pattern of the Man initiating the act, and leading the sex the way he likes it, we simply follow and often times feel unsatisfied afterwards.  We don’t say anything because quite likely, we simply do not know what it is we like, or are fearful to ask for what we want, so we follow the grain and do what we’ve always done.

I am grateful that I’ve been exploring my personal pleasure for a while now, and have learnt what I like.  I’ve learnt a lot about my body, and the intricacies of subtle energy and how they beautifully play together.  I know my body, and I will always continue to learn.  But who knows this stuff if 1) it’s not taught, or 2) you haven’t taken the initiative to explore yourself?  Perhaps it’s the ever curious adventurous Sagittarian in me that is on the quest for more, more, more?!

So now fast forward, into the adults that we’re meant to be.  Collectively there is this conversation that is happening about the Men not doing xyz, not being present, not communicating, not being available etc etc… But the way I see it is, how are we not working together?  I feel like in each moment, we are only ever learning, and if we’re not open to learning and being vulnerable, well then your mind is filled with preconceived ideas about a thing which is based on your agenda or an outcome you want.  Therefore missing the beauty that is really unfolding in that very moment.

Every conversation and relationship is but a step forward in our own personal evolution of self.  To come away from an interaction with thoughts about what the other didn’t do, or wasn’t available to do, is only a mirror for our own self to explore.  99% of the time.

So where does it all start?

Personal development, self time and reflection and yes physical exploration.  What do you like, what don’t you like AND can you communicate that to your partner.  What arises in the act of this?

Fear, embarrassment, hurt, pain… What a wonderful pot of mud to jump in and explore.  Maybe on the precipice of it, it may not look it beautiful, but Ooooohhhh the Ooooooh at the other end of it will be well worth your time.  Believe me!

I’ll leave you with some links for wonderful people already out in the world doing this work;

Layla Martin
John Wineland

So much love x

conversations on sex

7 takeaways I’ve learnt from living in Bali

Living in Bali is a common conversation topic had frequently amongst friends. We often share similar themes for living on this magical island of the gods.

There are however exceptions to these themes, as there are different pockets of people who live here.  All of which will experience Bali in their own magical way.  But these themes appear to be the generic topics I experience with my network.

Perhaps I’ll break it down;

1.  You come to Bali to heal, for your own personal journey

It’s not called the island of the gods for nothing.  There is a palpable energy here than is felt by all, and if you don’t feel it, you will on a deeper subconscious level.

Ubud, Bali is an epicenter for healing.  From Yoga, to Meditation, to Traditional Balinese Healers, Gong Sessions, Sound Therapy, Massage, Water Temples, Ecstatic Dance Parties, to sitting in silence at a silent retreat.  Bali has an abundance of modalities to welcome all spiritual seekers back to their truth.
Whether we know this is why we are here or not, there is a reason why people come to Bali.

I personally believe deep down we are lost, trying to find our way back home, the home within ourselves.  We’ve lost connection with our land, our people, our tribe.  Sure we call it backpacking or holidaying, I think we are lost and trying to find our way home in some way.  Bali facilitates that.  With it’s wild nature, and beautiful heart-centered people, it shows us a simpler way of living.  Bali brings us back to ourselves gently, or not so gently depending upon how you receive her guidance.

2.  You are faced with your money issues, your families money issues and your generational money issues

Now this one I am speaking for myself and some of my friends who share the same story.  This isn’t everyone’s truth and I’m aware that I don’t wish for this to become my truth, but it is mega interesting that many people struggle here.

For one, working here is illegal, so jobs are few, and working online can be limited.  Many digital nomads set themselves up in co-working spaces.  That’s one pocket of individuals I’m not tapped into.  I did think I was going to go down this road, and 9 months ago signed up to an online Digital Marketing company.  I was determined and positive that this was aligned to me and what I was bringing into the world, but as I got deeper and deeper into the online lessons, I learnt that it moved me further and further away from my values and what I wanted to bring to the world.

There are many layers of conditioning that I’ve needed to disassemble to teach me I can do the work I value in the world, and make money.  This is a whole topic unto itself I could write a separate blog on.
I’ve had to learn to shift from a fear based way of living, into a heart centered.  In the west we have our jobs, our 9-5, our salary and benefits.  These are great and supportive and enable us to build the lives we have, BUT, are these jobs 100% the creation of ours souls desire?  Chances are if you were to break it down, it likely wouldn’t be.  You might find it to be the cultivation of your fears, driving you to the creation of the cushy supportive job that gives you the run off of stuff and things that makes you feel a certain way.  This isn’t bad or wrong, it’s just conditioning.  Until we begin to question, we only know what we only know.

I’ve had to face the harsh discomfort of having nothing.  No money, no stuff, no things, peeling away all the layers of built up fear, face the underlying drivers behind why I’ve done what I’ve done, to build a new foundation to move into the world with.  That shits not easy, and it’s not for everyone, but it’s something that my soul guided me to undergo.

I’m not bound by interest rates, home loans, expensive assets, expensive toys, rents and monthly internet, netflix or electricity bills.  I’ve found freedom.  I know I am but one person, not a family, but these money lessons have been the hugest to date.

I now see through the cracks of society and how it’s all one massive orchestrated control fest.  Rats on a never ending wheel of working to live, living to work.  Being educated the value of a career, to earn high wages, to own the nice house and car, losing sight of the real abundance in this lifetime.  The soil, the planet, our health.  Again a whole blog post could be written here.

3.  Completing tasks that are easy at home, are hard as shit to complete here

This is as crazy as it sounds.  Seriously.  It has taken my friend 5 months to create a flyer for her business.  From working with a graphic designer to edit an existing flyer template, to paying her, to getting it to the printers, has been one crazy laughable ride.  The funny thing is, it’s away perfect.  There is a flow, a yin based way of living here.

It’s like you have to throw your intention to the wind, wait like a boomerang for it to return to your thoughts, before moving forward in action towards it.  Try going to the post office for example; something so simple and easy in any other part of the world.  Here, you have to find your available pocket of time to go, navigate the extreme tourist traffic, find a bike park, await your turn – often a good chunk of time, ensure you have your ID, all required items to post and money.  Because this is Bali, chances are, one day you’ll forget your ID, another day, the post office will be closed, and another – you’ll miraculously bump into an old friend you haven’t seen in 5 years whilst on the way, and miss out on making it to the post office before it closes.  Simple things become hard.  And as always, it’s perfect.

4.  Be prepared to let go of any plan you have upon arriving

Have you heard the saying, you get what you need, not what you want?

Well that comes into form here.  Anyone with an agenda should be prepared to let that go ASAP.  There is a natural flow state here.  Things unfold as and when they’re meant to.  We in the west are so conditioned to doing things on our agenda.  Being linear and masculine orientated in doing.  Go here, then here, then here.  You don’t see the Balinese move like this.  They graciously move from A to B, having all the time in the world, for impromptu conversations, connections, basically enjoying life.

Westerners – we’re in a hurry to get to where we’re going.  Our life is predominately in our future existence.  We are rarely ever here.  Bali will teach you to slow down, to enjoy each moment to moment.  If you don’t listen, you’ll receive a lesson that will slow you down.   A late driver, a flat tyre, an accident, slow service – and a million more examples than I can think of.

5.  You will learn to walk with one foot in the physical reality, one foot in the non physical

This has been one of my biggest lessons (haha another one).  I continue to say to my Mum.  “It is SO different living here!”
I’ve had to learn how to trust life more than I ever have before!  I’m the kind of person who budgets, always has enough, puts money aside each week for bills, expenses, holidays, savings etc…
Since living here, all those have been exhausted and any sort of safety net I’d always have, has evaporated.  I’ve had to make decisions to commit to things before I’ve had the money to do so, and needed to trust that the money will come.

I moved into my current home in that manner, I committed to my last visa run the same way.  It’s like having one foot in the tangible, and one foot in the non tangible.

Abraham (Esther Hicks), calls it aligning to your vortex.  Not getting distracted by your here and now reality of what current exists, but focusing on that which you want to manifest and fully knowing in it’s coming into form, irrespective of desired timeline.  It’s a learnt skill I tell you.  One I’d like to think I’m getting better and better at.  It has been a challenge to trust where my money will come from to pay my upcoming visa extension, rent, bike rental, food, but somehow the money comes, maybe not on time, maybe I have to ask a friend, maybe Mum gives me money.  It’s not always a comfortable situation, but it is rich with lessons in receiving, in learning to be vulnerable, learning to trust, and showing up at the drop of a hat when need be.

6.  Anything you need to learn, that you have missed, or choose to miss, will slap you hard in the face

Lessons are a constant, rarely is there a pause in something that needs to be learnt and transformed.  If you don’t get the message, it will repeat until you do.  Bali will work with your built-in programming to give it to you in a way that you’re accustomed.  If you’re used to dealing with things in the physical; a cold, flu, virus, Bali Belly – be sure you’ll find yourself with one of these.

If you’re used to repeating patterns in your daily experience; lovers who aren’t emotionally available, money problems, transport problems, terrible neighbors, you’ll receive the same experiences as if stuck in ground hog day.

If you’re adapt at emotional release, transforming your thoughts – be sure you’ll flow with Bali, and shift lifetimes of patterns in your short or long stay here.

7.  Bali will release you when it’s time to go

When it’s time to leave, you’ll know it.  You’ll hear/feel the call to go somewhere else, and you’ll have no choice but to take action.  I haven’t yet experienced this, but I’ve witnessed it time and time again.  One of my dear sistas has just heard her call.  She’s been here for 9 months, and about 2 weeks ago felt strongly it was time to return to her home soil.  She’s booked her ticket, handed in her resignation and is now putting the call out to rent her home and find a carer for her animals.  She knows she’ll be back.  But for now, it’s time to go.

It’s a funny one this life in Bali.  We are and will always be visitors to this island.  The longer we stay, no change does it make to our status.  We are still simply visitors.  We can learn the language, learn the culture and it’s beautiful customs, but it will not change anything.  We can commit to being here, as I choose to nearly 3 months ago, get a dog, make it our home, but at the end of the day, when Bali says it’s time, it’s time.

I am in constant awe and gratitude for being here in this magical place.  Not a day passes that I don’t think “OMG I’m in Bali!”  As I ride my scooter from A to B, witnessing the beautiful land people (as I have nick named them).  The dark skinned locals who work in the fields next to my home.  Their earth grabbing wide feet, mud to their knees, carrying epic 40kg plus sacks of grass to their home, their cows.  Their toothless smiles and acknowledgement to my tourist Indonesian greetings – “Pagi”, “Yeah yeah” they reply.  The chanting of Gatri Mantra each 6am, 12pm, 6pm.  The smell of incense and offerings on the ground in front of each compound in my gang.  The pack of Bali Dogs hunting for any form of food they can find.  It is all wildly magical, beautiful, raw and real.  I just adore Bali.  What a gift!

living in bali

2017 & finding my words again

2017 is here, 2016 fades, and I’m learning to find my words again.

For me, 2016 still lingers, like a bad smell that won’t quit.  A reminder of the epic lessons thrown at me.  The relentless pummeling, like being dumped in a massive surf break that appears as endless as an Australian Summer.

Last year was a massive year of endings, lessons, transformations, challenges & every other color in between that.  I was forced to let go of anything and everything I knew to be true, AND, any form of external safety or security I had created.

I found myself living in Bali for the full duration, with a brief trip to Australia for a visa run.  Other than that, it was life in a Silent Retreat for 8.5 months, followed by life in Ubud, Bali.

In hindsight now, I can see that I simply needed to make the decision to be here, rather than leave decisions to the wind and magically hope that Bali would simply provide everything I could need.  But hindsights are always that aren’t they, seeing life clearly once you’ve been on the rollercoaster ride of life adventure.

It was scary being here.  Scary in the not knowing, it still is.  Of surrendering to the fact that we are not control.  I struggle with this dance.  Of choosing a direction and trusting that I will be supported in it.  I think I am still holding the scars from the last time I trusted this process.  Leaving Australia for Canada, and then leaving Canada for New Zealand.  I’m smart ya know – I do understand that life is about experiences – adventure.  Successes and Failures.  But today I acknowledge *yet again* the pain of hurt in my heart from something that ended so abruptly.

So I struggle to choose something and trust.  Hence the non choosing of my life here in Bali.  To just wander and drift and hope that life would show up for me.  And it has, I have constantly been provided for.  Amazing friends & family who have provided accommodation, food & listening loving ears whenever I have needed.

But this way of living has invited a sense of hopelessness, a mistrust within myself that I didn’t hold the power to make anything happen, that I was at the complete mercy of life to carry me where I needed to go.  Even today I still feel like this.  Just having finished a conversation with a new friend in a coffee shop, I still feel powerless to life.

I know no one knows where they are going, but I for one feel like I’m leading the party on the mission to no where.  Sometimes I feel like I have it right, and everyone else has it wrong.  Because we aren’t going anywhere, we are only here. Right here, right now.  In fact to think we are going anywhere else but here is laughable!

“Want to make god laugh?  Tell him your plans.”

But my lesson of the year, is one of trust & co-creation.  Of working with the law of attraction to make the desirable occur.  I want a home.  I have to choose a home. Sounds basic right?  Yes.  But I’ve lacked the fundamental self belief that I am worthy of anything, so therefore chose to not choose anything.  And because I chose nothing, then nothing showed up, despite me wanting stuff.  I was in-congruent with my core belief – “I’m not worthy.”  So keep attracting more of not being worthy.  Ouch!

I’m on the final straight of this doozy of a lesson.  I am SO done with believing I am not enough, it serves NO ONE!

Yes – I have chosen that I want a home & am actively searching.  It is taking it’s sweet time for sure, but I’m putting it down to the right one making it’s way to me.  I am receiving messages that this lesson is near completion, that I have done the work, and that now it’s about letting go and allowing the final completion to occur with gratitude for all it’s wonder and juiciness.

I gave thanks to my dear Sista – Samaya last night, she has opened up her home to me & has made me feel nothing but welcome.  I said to her, if this is the final hurrah of this lesson, I’ve been given such a wonderful opportunity by sharing such quality time with her.

Forgive my writing, but I’m still finding my writing pants – I think I have lost them from the constant bed hopping that I’ve been participating in.  Writing feels like I am swimming in an alphabet stew and cannot connect the correct letters, let alone words, to put together.  I used to find writing & blogging so easy – but currently it’s like trying to swim to the surface after being pummeled by those said waves in the beginning.

2017 finding my words again

This is an Osho card reading I gave myself last night.  Depicting the situation at hand.
1 – The Issue – Consciousness
2 – What I’m present to internally – Innocence
3 – What needs to happen externally – Letting Go
4 – What is currently happening – Transformation
5 – The Outcome – Completion

3 of these cards being Major Arcana Cards – representing BIG lessons at play.