It feels a super long time since I wrote and shared my personal story, and there is an extremely good reason for it. Like everything, I put it down to timing, and when I write, it has to feel right, there needs to be a flow. I don’t share for the sake of sharing. Like nature and her cycles, there’s a time for introspection and learning, and there’s a time for expansion and blossoming.
Though these past few weeks, I have been feeling my pull. Last night I started writing in my head, this morning, this is what flowed. It feels good to remerged.
It’s taken a long time to ground in Queenstown. Part of me wonders if we’re meant to in the intense energies here. The dance of the mountain peaks & the deep dark depths of Lake Wakatipu, invite a spinning vortex of highs and insightful lows.
I wanted to physically move since Amanda moved out. Knowing that my home environment wouldn’t be the same. But the energies guided me to stay in that Fernhill home, and I’m grateful that they did.
Life became emotionally tough from then on. I was invited into new shadows within myself. I became so deeply trigger by my love for another, I withdrew from social gatherings and social media, I dove into my discomforts to uncover what lay beneath.
What I found was stuff I already knew, but like the continual layers of an onion, there was more.
I felt the pain of what drove me from New Zealand, my country of birth. The running I’d done, magically masked as travelling & adventure. Ultimately I was running from my hurt within, which when mirrored in the one I loved, showed up like a kick in the face as I ate his dust when he ran.
All of the ‘I’m not good enough / I’m not worthy’ pain. All the feels from my excruciating teenage years of self loathing. At one time during that winter – there was so much anxiety within, the mountain became my only home and place of comfort.
At the same time, my love for this person wouldn’t quit. I’ve become Queen of detaching from non serving relationships. Moving on once the lessons have been learnt and accepting the seasonal nature of our meeting. But this soul. He stuck in the forefront of my mind and literally drove me insane! I could not detach! What the fuck was this? How come I can’t let go and move on?
I visited Dion, a local Maori healer to receive support and cut cords that were attached. This brought up uncomfortable feels, but days later, no cigar. He was STILL present! A few weeks later, I was blessed to receive a distance healing from one of Dion’s students. The breakup theme presented, aspects got cleared, but still remained. I could NOT understand why I could not let go.
I decided to try a ‘radical’ approach, and accept his constant presence on my brain. I went all in, and started a journal as if writing to him, all thoughts and experiences I was having. We weren’t in contact at all, I had also restricted my connection to his social media to honour and give myself the space I needed to heal.
My words and the acceptance of what was, helped bring some ease, but didn’t make the connection lessen.
Through this time my housemate was unconditional with my sharings. She would listen to me share the craziness at which I felt. Why can I not simply turn this off? Why are my feelings magnified? All the triggers and emotional purging that was relentless!
This time of emotional healing and reflection, I somehow stumbled on a Woman on YouTube, Queen of Light 1111, who shares tarot readings on Divine Feminine & Divine Masculine, otherwise know as – Twin Flame connections. I’d heard about Twin Flames during my Nature Care days, but thought them to be as elusive as a Unicorn.
QOL’s readings because a light in my dark tunnel as she put words to the energies, emotional purging and absolute craziness I was feeling. I began looking into the whole twin thing more and more. Watching videos and reading articles that best shared the extent of this connection.
I still doubted that this was a thing. Still leaning towards the fact that I was crazy and there was something wrong with me for not being able to let go.
Videos suggested I could ask for confirmation if this was a Twin Flame connection, and have the universe respond to my request. I received various universal confirmations of this, which felt so double edged. Gratitude for such knowing, polarized with self doubt and judgement at my one sided relationship with such a being.
During this time I had this Cannabis Oil experience which I wrote about here. This blew my mind out of the water, and solidified everything!
I almost expected him to walk into my house that night for the strength of what I came to realize!
The dance continued, its peaks and troughs. But knowing meant nothing. I couldn’t talk to him about this. It didn’t feel right. At all. I had to trust the timing of that.
One emotional day, I found myself in complete surrender. Purging, crying, releasing pain of the excruciating connection and knowing. I cried for lifetimes the hardness of it all. I was a pile of mush on my bed. Unable to move. I didn’t know what was next, other than to sink into that dark hole. I lay on my bed motionless. Then my phone rang. It was him.
We hadn’t spoken in a long time, and not only that, he wasn’t even in the country. He was calling me from the top of a remote island! WTF!
When I surrender to my greatest ability, he’s there almost without fail. To call, or text to tap back in. It feels as if there is zero escape.
Sometimes I feel peace, sometimes I feel doubt and despair. Sometimes I wonder if what I’m even feeling is my own.
Thoughts of him evolved into feeling him. He is now a constant presence within my being. I now know him as me. But I am learning to navigate the complexity of thoughts, energy and feelings now. Lately I awake from sleep and feel a theme to process, but there is zero emotion attached, and I know I’ve already moved through it. It almost feels like a repeat. I wonder if that is him communicating with me and seeking support to move through it? This interaction is new.
Lately I feel when he is thinking about me and the speed at which he moves through something he’s processing. If we’ve not spoken recently, I can feel the energy build of when he’s going to reach out to connect.
At times I still doubt the intensity of this connection, as we’ve not solidified it in the physical. In fact, right now I’m working through his latest hurtful words to me. It’s brutal and totally relentless. My rational mind says leave. Get the fuck away from this guy and move on. And, in the past – hell yeah, I’d be gone. No one has ever treated me so badly, yet I have loved so goddamn much.
The lessons I’m learning, are that unconditional love is just that. UNCONDITIONAL. His projections of me, are projections of his hurt aspects of self. And they need love. Mine and his. Ours. Love dissolves our deepest shadows. Love doesn’t run. I trigger his shadows, as he does mine. And we are learning to walk in our shadows with love.
Somehow I signed up for this. I signed up for unconditional love. It doesn’t look like a conventional relationship. But then we are far from conventional beings. We are perfect divine mirrors showing each other our truth. The truth of our hurts and pains, our darkest ugliest hurts. It’s fucking tough, and relentless as FUCK, and I’m here. Grounded. In it. Navigating the hell out of these stormy seas. I can’t detach. I can’t run. I can’t execute old patterns I know so well. They don’t work. I tried. I have to face the storm head on, like the warrior woman that I am. And trust, like all waves, it will pass.
So for now, this is me. In the high seas of divine orchestration, navigating my return home.