My trip to Sydney and its death cycle

It’s been four days since I landed back on home soil in New Zealand.

My trip to Australia was a significantly big one.

Externally it may not have looked like it.  But internally, a lot was moving.

Before I left I wasn’t feeling excited about it.  In fact, I could’ve easily not gone.  But that wasn’t an option, there were things to do and people to see, I was going.

I wrote a Facebook post here, as I was waiting at Queenstown Airport.  Sharing my thoughts about how I feel Airports create a definitive ending and beginning.  Well this trip didn’t disappoint.

I had an amazing time in Sydney.  I hired a Van, kitted out with everything.  They even upgraded me, so to my surprise I had a gas cook top, all the cookware, a kitchen sink with running water and even a fridge!  The bench seats expanded out into a huge bed, and there were curtains around the whole van, which created such privacy – I felt safe and contained wherever I went.

It was such a convenience having this van.  It enabled me to go where I wanted and sleep there also – I highly recommend it as a form of travel.  Check out hippie campers should it call you.

I found myself in South Curl Curl for a number of nights.  It was where a number of my friends were close to, and it was next to my old local hood.  It made sense and it felt comfortable for me to be back there, not to mention the beach was nearby.

Even so, being back on familiar land, upon going to sleep, I still need to introduce myself to the land, the native or local spirits and let them know I was there for a night or two.  I don’t know you about you, but when I sleep somewhere new, I am often greeted by the curiosity of local energies – poking and proding me to test who I am and what business I have being on their land.

My trip continues, a dear friends wedding, a trip to the Blue Mountains to deal with stuff I left behind, visits to more dear friends, ocean swimming, coastal walks, catching up on life and times that seem to past in the blink of an eye.  I was enjoying myself, but could feel a discomfort and sadness making herself known.

Fast forward, when I returned back to New Zealand.  That deep sadness had crept in.  From the moment I landed at Queenstown Airport, I could feel my tears behind my eyes.  I was feeling very on my own.  No messages to greet me home.  A billion questions from customs.  7 degrees.  No one to pick me up.  No bus for the next half hour.  No biggie usually, but everything was triggering my sadness.  I sat at the cold bus stop and cried.

For the rest of that evening and the next day, oddly – it felt like none of my friends were available.  Everyone was busy, everyone doing life in their own way.  I felt alone, unsupported and very very emotional.

What I came to understand, is that whilst in Sydney.  I tapped back into that old Heidi.  The old version of myself that lived and existed in there.  The single gal, independent, the can do anything attitude, the one who lived her days in her own world doing her own thing.  Between this time in Sydney – until these days in QT – I’ve grown into a new version of myself.  I’d like to think, one with a lot more meaning, depth and compassion.

My sadness was a shedding of this old self.  Like a snake would shed its skin (funny now I am remembering my snake dreams before leaving NZ).  I was experiencing the old me, from the current me’s perspective.  She was a smaller version of myself.  Feeling so alone, disconnected and small in comparison.

I continued to sit in the discomfort of what I was feeling, and uncomfortable it was.  There have been no shortage of tears these past days.  In fact I had such a powerful crying session the other day, it required a nap afterwards.

I’ve been feeling discomfort in social situations, discomfort with my own presence.  An energy in my body that I couldn’t shift or shake no matter my acknowledgement.  This needed a natural evolution of release that takes it’s time as per nature’s way.

Yesterday, Tuesday, Angelo and I went for a hike up Wye Creek – a particularly powerful area.  Filled with spirit and life.  The depth here palpable and undeniable.

We ventured to our own areas near the waterfall, with the intention of doing some Wim Hof breathing and cold immersion.  I wasn’t brave enough for the cold immersion – but I dove into my breathing.  I burped, spat, yawned, shook and purged so much energy my mind couldn’t fathom what was happening.  All I know is, I was releasing and shedding what I no longer needed.

When I go through these seemingly crazy releases, I often think of a few things.  How our bodies are innately wise, how our ego’s have the ability, through conditioning, to shield or block us from connection, how nature is there to be our constant teacher.

In summary – I’ve been through/am completing yet another Death cycle.  After reading Women Who Run with Wolves – Hunting: When the Heart Is a Lonely Hunter – my attention is brought to Skeleton Woman: Life/Dealth/Life Nature of Love Cycles.  I am so wildly fascinated by her.

In this context within this story, Clarissa writes;

“In order to create this enduring love, one invites a third partner to the union.  The third partner is Skeleton Woman.  She is also called Lady Death, and as such, she is the Life/Death/Life nature in one of her many guises.  In this form, Lady Death is not a disease, but a diety.
In a relationship she has the role of the oracle who knows when it is time for ycesl to begin and end.  As such, she is the wildish aspect of the relationship, the one of whom men are most terrified… and sometimes woman also, for when faith in the transformative has been lost, the natural cycles of increase and attrition are feared as well.”

In essence, what I understand is, that in order to experience life and love relationships to their fullest, all parties need to embrace the Death Cycle in their sphere.  Without it, life is void of meaning and remains surface level without fulfillment or satisfaction.

It is not an easy or comfortable thing to face death head on.  I believe if we did still as a society we wouldn’t have the sickness that we see.  People would live more balanced satisfied lives in all facets.  Love, Relationships, Health, Work, Sex, Family… but sadly it is a forgotten way or feared way.

A part of me died upon returning home to New Zealand.  A part of my psyche, an old way of being that was no longer serving me in the world, in the life I want to create, and so in letting her go, I needed to grieve a loss.  I needed to purge her on an emotional, mental & spiritual level.

It is time to reawaken our ways of being, of innate connection with our land and the nature Life/Death/Life nature cycles.

 

If you’re interesting in exploring this topic more deeply, connect with me;
Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here
Chat with Heidi here

Join me in Queenstown this Saturday for Intro to Energetic Self Care

sydney death cycle

Clearing Entities + Building an Energetic Self Care Practice

I had a conversation recently with a colleague, and we acknowledged how good we are both feeling, and that it feels like we have finally pulled through something.  I can’t even begin to explain this, it is wonderful!  It is extremely wonderful to finally feel SO good!

I feel filled with anticipation for the time ahead.  I don’t know exactly what this is, but I can feel it, I have intentions, there are conversations – and if these represent what is coming, it’s going to be amazing!  We’re talking road trips, travel, health, empowerment and location independence with love by my side.

But yesterday, I came home from work, and needed to rest, I felt depleated.

When I got to my room, short of falling asleep, I was drawn to meditate.  I needed to clear the hectic energy I’d picked up from the store.  A few minutes into it, I felt really bleeeehhh, heavy, nauseous, like I was processing something heavy.  But because I know how good I’ve been feeling, I KNEW this wasn’t mine to process.  I tuned in a little more, and it became apparent I’d picked up some filthy entity along the way, that jumped on for a ride.  Bleeeeehhh!  I demanded it leave immediately, making way for it to leave with light, an abundance of sage and intention.  Filthy Fucker!  Excuse me – but it was disgusting!  This is not the first time I have cleared an entity from my being, but maybe one of the first that has felt so yuck.

It really reminds me the importance of energetic self care, and how we need to come to know our own energy, so that we don’t allow these entities to jump aboard for free rides.

What this shows up as, is feeling less than our bright shiny selves.  It might make us feel bad, uncomfortable, emotional, unmotivated, and not even know why?

So I cleared that filthy fucker and immediately began to express audible sighs of relief as I returned to my feeling good buzz.

So this leads onto the topic of energetic self care, a present one with friends.

It took me a long time to build my energetic self awareness.  I had to deal with the discomfort of supermarkets and malls, of demanding customers and students – and multiple uncomfortable conversations.  I had to integrate my learnt communication skills to protect myself moment to moment.  That coupled with a meditation practice, showed me my inner landscape.  It took time.  I liken it to running a marathon.  You can’t run a marathon without first training for one.  You start slowly, building up your cardiovascular fitness and endurance.  You have a training programme that supports you in getting there.

The same goes for building your energetic self awareness, you have to start with the first step of training.  Haha – I just had an image of Mr Miyagi in Karate Kid.

clearing entities + building an energetic self care practice

 

 

 

 

The most necessary first step I would suggest is;

Start a Meditation Practice

Come to know your inner landscape.  Your innermost thoughts, how your energy sits in your body.  If it is new to you, start with just 5 minutes per day, build up your consistency.  Focus on your breath.  Watch your in and out breaths.  Don’t even worry about trying to clear your mind.  Just give yourself a focus point.  Acknowledge any and all fears or blocks you may have from starting your practice.  Anything to do with preconceived ideas about how you think it should be.  It will be perfect and exactly how it is.  We don’t preplan a conversation with a friend or colleague before we enter into it, it is perfect in the very moment it is happening.  Meditation is the same.  Just start and breathe.

You can watch my video here – for further information.

Start with this practice as the first step.

If you already have a practice, I’d love to share the benefits you receive.
If you’re looking at starting one, I’d love to hear how you’re enjoying it.

Please feel free to send me a DM, I love hearing from you.

Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here
Chat with Heidi here

 

My funk, gives permission to your funk

Sometimes the day calls for gentleness and not so much action.

This ride can be a challenging one when sometimes the next step is NOT clear, but a decision needs to be made.

Such is the case for me today, and as a result (I think), my thoughts and feels, are funky and so it’s been a slow day for me.

Despite having tools, I’m normalizing that this path is tough and unknown and that it’s impossible to be upbeat and optimistic all the time.

“the only way forward is through’

Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here
Chat with Heidi here

Start this practice immediately | no excuses | just start

Often it’s the really simple things in life we don’t do that we know we need to.

– Drink more water
– Move our bodies more
– Eat cleaner food
– Drink less alcohol
– Work less, play more…

Nothing new here, but a friendly reminder that starting a Meditation practice each day is something that is absolutely needed in today’s life.

When you clear the trash in your mind to learn your inner landscape, that’s when you can really begin to work consciously with your energy and manifest your external world.

Learning your inner landscape, is like learning a new language, just start, and start with the basics.

Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here
Chat with Heidi here

Use this tool to clear funky energy immediately

Every morning it is natural for me to check in with myself and feel where my energy is at, how it feels.
When it’s super funky and foggy, I put out a tool from my tool kit and apply it to increase my good feels.
This one is from an awesome man you may know – Wim Hof.

I follow my bodies lead and allow whatever I need to move through me;
– Yawning
– Burping
– Sighing
– Emotional Release
– Sound Release
– Physical Movements

Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here
Chat with Heidi here
Wim Hof Video

Use this tool to shift old habits and funky energy

You know when you wake up in the morning (feeling like P Diddy), and you’re present to some funk. Not the dance kind, but the energetic kind.
Sometimes you sit with it, sometimes you can move it.
In this video I share a little of my funk and remind you how you can simply ask it what it needs. Simple right? Ya – I thought so too.

Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here
Chat with Heidi here

Ego & Silence meet… What happens?

When Ego and Silence meet, magical occurrences can happen.

Parts of ourselves become present in our minds eye, we may never have had the pleasure of meeting before.

Much like how our Apps hum along in the background of our smart phones, so too do these parts of ourselves, our ego.

They use energy subconsciously, they have been magnetizing your very life experiences.  Creating it, drawing situations closer & closer.
To create the very moment.  This very moment… in Silence where you shall meet it.

This is the personal development path.  To come to know yourself, to meet your untruth, to pave the way for THE truth, the truth of who you really are in the world.

So as you meet your yourself, your hidden subconscious, you receive the opportunity to meet who has been running the show.  Your monkey mind creator – if you will.

They may not be pretty, but these separated elements of your psyche, created by experiences in life, during developmental stages;
Infant, Toddler, Adolescent, Teenage – pivitol moments that bonded themselves in our cellular memory.
Or perhaps deeper, older?  Past Life, Generational Contracts, In Utereo… Who’s to say?

But you are here.  You are brave.  Courageous.

You are meeting YOU.  Who you are manifest in the world.

Your journey.

All humans are seekers.  Seeking our truth.  From truth, we can make conscious choice.  Choices in life, choices aligned to our greater good.  Your greater good.

There is infinite wisdom connecting with your magnetic subconscious.  It knows, even if your mind does not understand.

You can feel it.

And so, you know…

 

+ Before we meet these hidden parts of ourselves, we don’t even know they exist.  They operate subconsciously, behind the scenes, but driving us.  It is not until we are in Silence, or triggered by an external person or experience, that they arise to the surface.
+ If you need support in recognizing behaviors you know are not working for you.
Email or Message Heidi at www.heidifirth.com

meeting parts of your ego

Grief Friend you are Welcome

Have you noticed how grief can be a trickster at times?

Disguised in one form, dressed as another.

Like an unannounced house guest, he knocks at the door, packed bags in hand, you answer in your underwear, the house a mess, you’re unprepared.  “Hello friend, I am Grief.”

He has come to visit.  To turn him away would be unheard of, perhaps a crime.  He never quite says what he needs, why he’s here, or how long he’ll stay for.  But you welcome him in, albeit reluctantly.  You both take a seat on the couch and he starts the conversation.

“How are you friend?”

You give your surface level reply.  “I’m good, I’m busy with work, friends, social situations, family.  I’m grateful for everything & everything is fine.”

He responds, “Is that right?  Tell me about how you’ve been feeling during your evenings alone?”

Something clicks inside.  You know exactly the feeling he is referring to.  You’ve been binging on chocolate & Netflix each night, in an avoidance of feeling this now named feeling.

“Tell me about THAT feeling he says, compassionately, lovingly.”

You sit for a moment.  For maybe the first time, tuning into that discomfort that resides in your body.  Uggghhh – there it is.  That heavy weight sitting, waiting…  Your breathing drops…  Your heart rate present – now seemingly louder…  You feel the energy expand outwards from this rock like weight.  Tears are forming behind your eyes, it’s coming…

You can’t hold back, nor would you want to.  You’ve wanted to acknowledge this, to feel this pain, you’ve just secretly been afraid.  The heavens pour down and you’re running with it.  Tears are falling down your face just like melting ice in your hot hand on a Summers day… your stomach contracts & heaves, as does your whole body in unison.  Your mind is blank in this moment, you have found relief.  In complete surrender to your bodies natural seasonal change – this emotional state.

Grief sits there quietly, very still.  Just looking upon you gently, lovingly.  A companion who has your back.  You continue to cry, beginning to wonder if there will be an end to this heaviness?

 

Time has passed some.  You’ve witnessed new insights drop into your mind, ah ha’s of what has been held so contained.

Memories from your past floating up from your subconscious.  Making their transition from one realm, to the next.  You can see more clearly, what was hiding.

What you were so frightened of.  It is not so frightening anymore.  Only here.  Present.  Accepted.  Free.  No stories. It is free.  You are free.  You are releasing the old.  The old that has driven you to hide from yourself.  Your truth.

Grief sits.

Placing his hands on your heavy heart.  You feel the ache.  The physical ache that now resides where before, pain sat.

You feel different.  Tired.  Numb.  Sad.  Heavy.

The couch feels good.  Comfortable.

The convulsions have subsided, the tears are now dry.

Your head feels expanded, kinda headachy, like it has just been squashed, but blast open.

Your mind blank.

Sitting…  Starring…  Quiet…  Peace…

Breathing now slow & consistent.  You look at grief, he holds your gaze in return.

“How are you friend?”  he asks.

You return his gaze and answer, “How are YOU friend?”

Grief has been heard.  He has been seen.  He sighs in his recognition.

Together you become one.

grief

The hare runs into the fire

‘The hare runs into the fire’ photo was taken during my Fire Circle, Monday night.

This sacred held space for sharing our authentic voice allow individuals to feel heard & held in the most special of ways.

I shared the image later with a friend who replied back with this poem he knew.

The hare runs into the fire.
The fire, it takes her, she is not burned.
The fire, it loves her, she is not burned.
The hare runs into the fire.
The fire, it loves her, she is free…
(from I Shall Wear Midnight)

I love to find the symbolism in fascinating experiences…
This could be interpreted as;
+ courage to run into the fire.
+ the faith to run towards what is frightening.
+ the audacity to believe the fire can be defeated.

What do you think?

 

hare runs into the fire

My experience with Landmark & why I’ve come home to NZ

So I’m in New Zealand after a whirlwind of events sees me here.

About a week ago, I returned home to Victoria BC, after spending a weekend in Vancouver attending a 5 day course in the name in The Landmark Forum.

To my knowledge, millions of people around the world have participated in this course, so you may have even heard of it?

Working for lululemon athletica, it is something that every employee gains the opportunity to attend as it is seen as something of value for one’s personal development. Chip Wilson, founder of lululemon took away grand insights into the way he was as a person, which then affected how he ran his company. Since then, lululemon employees across the globe get to experience this course after having worked for the company for 8 months.

Lets cut to the chase. I was pretty curious about what this was going to offer me. After having completed 2 intensive diplomas – each 2-4 years in duration to complete, one in Transformational Life Coaching & the other in Energy Healing – I knew I couldn’t and didn’t know it all, but was naturally curious – what would this course offer me?

Landmark breaks life down into a really simple structure, which make you reflect on yourself. It invites you to look at all the stories you’ve created, which have made up your life, and ask yourself “what is really real here”?

I got this part. I’ve been self reflecting for a good 10 years now, and know myself pretty thoroughly. But this method that they were teaching, was just so bang on, that one had to ask, well, what really IS real?

I have come to know that I am Heidi. Maybe not from this planet, maybe from some other light galaxy, incarnated into a human form in this lifetime to support people waking up to who they are. I appear light, bright, happy & personable. My purpose in life is to show others that they are their own gurus, their own healers so to speak. I knew that heading into this course.

Coming out of it on Tuesday night. I was absolutely that light being. Feeling like I could inspire change with a single conversation. Feeling like I was a world changer. Which isn’t a terrible thing, however that power can contain ego if one is not to careful. Posting on social media like a show off, running around your day like a mad fool, touching and inspiring all who subconsciously call for your help.

I returned to work on Wednesday, and was floating like a newly awakened being.  I initiated very real conversations everywhere I stepped. A guest would comment on her weight, and I wouldn’t hesitate to get into the nitty gritty of what was happening and have her share what was in her way. You begin to notice how random strangers will drop the tinniest of hints which are a cry for help. They may not be aware of it, but to the listening ears, you hear every word & tone.

I had a short shift that day where I felt like I was on fire.  Chatting to colleagues and guests, left right and centre. Stirring up change everywhere I went & with every conversation. I respected those who didn’t engage in conversation, and those that did – held the conversation as long as invited by them.  It all felt very free flowing and intuitive.  My lunch break rolled around and I suddenly wasn’t feeling well. I actually felt like I was going to die. Intense I know! So I called Neil and asked him to pick me up as this was how I was feeling.
> I won’t elaborate on this story & feeling of dying just yet. It leads into another existential story, – I’ll share it another time, or save this for myself.

Fast forward to the next few days. What goes up, must come down. There is a balance to life, a polarity to everything. Hot/Cold, Light/Dark, Happy/Sad – you get it…

With such an inspired high, there had to be the equivalent low. What I unknowingly had tapped into were memories from my past. My early childhood past. Now these are not horrible by any means. But lets just remind ourselves here, how does a child react when they are upset? What if he/she doesn’t get their own way? They throw a tantrum right? They express their anguish fully without hesitation! Lets just leave that example a seed of what was to come.

About 2-3 days of exploding like a child. Anger, Fear, Frustration, Sadness, Grief… No ego restrictions on releasing the ‘pain’ of my childhood. I didn’t know what was happening, and neither did my dear partner Neil.

He had come to his wits end with my behavior, and didn’t know what to do with me. He was scared & frightened – and understandingly so.  He’d spoken to his friends and they advised him to simply take me to the nearest hospital – get me dosed up on medication.

Neil knew I wouldn’t want that, so swallowed his pride (I imagine?) and called my Mum at home in NZ. Fast forward this part of the story, and here I am, with Neil & Mum, in Te Awamutu, New Zealand.

They have both been super worried about me, and want to know tangible results about why I acted out of character, so yesterday took me to a local Dr who listened to this story. He sent me for blood tests, in which the results should come through tomorrow some time.

There are so many other parts to this story which I will share in time, if the time is right.

Parts where I could hear various people, living & passed over, speaking through Neil to me. Lucid dream states where I saw various Spirit Animals show up to support the release of our pain. Even in awake states, various animals showed up to help us move through stuff. Animals such as Squirrels, Raccoons, Ravens, Dogs, a marvelous spider who weaved his magical web to protect our home, and even a Cougar making itself seen throughout Victoria that weekend.

I thought I was a shaman, moving various rocks and such around my home, orchestrating a change in the world, and a healing of the planet. I chanted, sang, drummed and played my Spirit Flute as needed, and heard the neighbors drum & tap in support of something they’d long wished for. I dreamt that I was one of 4 shamans overseen by one head shaman who would eventually invite us to his home in California to discuss these dreams & experiences, and go through an initiation process.

It has been a wild ride, and that description doesn’t even cut it.

The human brain is wild and mysterious, and after this experience, I really don’t think it should be pushed the way that it was at Landmark. I am speaking for myself exclusively. I cannot speak for others.

My takeaway from this, is DO NOT hurry your personal development! Be gentle, be compassionate, be nurturing, be LOVING. LOVE yourself as you would love another, how you would want to be loved in the world. Be that & that is all that you need to be. LOVE.

As a side note here; if you are experiencing any challenges based on dealing with your past, please reach out to me for support.  I understand how confusing it can be & how those around you may not understand.  I am available via Skype & Email at this stage.  heidi.firth | heidi.firth11@gmail.com

My experience at The Landmark Forum