It’s been four days since I landed back on home soil in New Zealand.
My trip to Australia was a significantly big one.
Externally it may not have looked like it. But internally, a lot was moving.
Before I left I wasn’t feeling excited about it. In fact, I could’ve easily not gone. But that wasn’t an option, there were things to do and people to see, I was going.
I wrote a Facebook post here, as I was waiting at Queenstown Airport. Sharing my thoughts about how I feel Airports create a definitive ending and beginning. Well this trip didn’t disappoint.
I had an amazing time in Sydney. I hired a Van, kitted out with everything. They even upgraded me, so to my surprise I had a gas cook top, all the cookware, a kitchen sink with running water and even a fridge! The bench seats expanded out into a huge bed, and there were curtains around the whole van, which created such privacy – I felt safe and contained wherever I went.
It was such a convenience having this van. It enabled me to go where I wanted and sleep there also – I highly recommend it as a form of travel. Check out hippie campers should it call you.
I found myself in South Curl Curl for a number of nights. It was where a number of my friends were close to, and it was next to my old local hood. It made sense and it felt comfortable for me to be back there, not to mention the beach was nearby.
Even so, being back on familiar land, upon going to sleep, I still need to introduce myself to the land, the native or local spirits and let them know I was there for a night or two. I don’t know you about you, but when I sleep somewhere new, I am often greeted by the curiosity of local energies – poking and proding me to test who I am and what business I have being on their land.
My trip continues, a dear friends wedding, a trip to the Blue Mountains to deal with stuff I left behind, visits to more dear friends, ocean swimming, coastal walks, catching up on life and times that seem to past in the blink of an eye. I was enjoying myself, but could feel a discomfort and sadness making herself known.
Fast forward, when I returned back to New Zealand. That deep sadness had crept in. From the moment I landed at Queenstown Airport, I could feel my tears behind my eyes. I was feeling very on my own. No messages to greet me home. A billion questions from customs. 7 degrees. No one to pick me up. No bus for the next half hour. No biggie usually, but everything was triggering my sadness. I sat at the cold bus stop and cried.
For the rest of that evening and the next day, oddly – it felt like none of my friends were available. Everyone was busy, everyone doing life in their own way. I felt alone, unsupported and very very emotional.
What I came to understand, is that whilst in Sydney. I tapped back into that old Heidi. The old version of myself that lived and existed in there. The single gal, independent, the can do anything attitude, the one who lived her days in her own world doing her own thing. Between this time in Sydney – until these days in QT – I’ve grown into a new version of myself. I’d like to think, one with a lot more meaning, depth and compassion.
My sadness was a shedding of this old self. Like a snake would shed its skin (funny now I am remembering my snake dreams before leaving NZ). I was experiencing the old me, from the current me’s perspective. She was a smaller version of myself. Feeling so alone, disconnected and small in comparison.
I continued to sit in the discomfort of what I was feeling, and uncomfortable it was. There have been no shortage of tears these past days. In fact I had such a powerful crying session the other day, it required a nap afterwards.
I’ve been feeling discomfort in social situations, discomfort with my own presence. An energy in my body that I couldn’t shift or shake no matter my acknowledgement. This needed a natural evolution of release that takes it’s time as per nature’s way.
Yesterday, Tuesday, Angelo and I went for a hike up Wye Creek – a particularly powerful area. Filled with spirit and life. The depth here palpable and undeniable.
We ventured to our own areas near the waterfall, with the intention of doing some Wim Hof breathing and cold immersion. I wasn’t brave enough for the cold immersion – but I dove into my breathing. I burped, spat, yawned, shook and purged so much energy my mind couldn’t fathom what was happening. All I know is, I was releasing and shedding what I no longer needed.
When I go through these seemingly crazy releases, I often think of a few things. How our bodies are innately wise, how our ego’s have the ability, through conditioning, to shield or block us from connection, how nature is there to be our constant teacher.
In summary – I’ve been through/am completing yet another Death cycle. After reading Women Who Run with Wolves – Hunting: When the Heart Is a Lonely Hunter – my attention is brought to Skeleton Woman: Life/Dealth/Life Nature of Love Cycles. I am so wildly fascinated by her.
In this context within this story, Clarissa writes;
“In order to create this enduring love, one invites a third partner to the union. The third partner is Skeleton Woman. She is also called Lady Death, and as such, she is the Life/Death/Life nature in one of her many guises. In this form, Lady Death is not a disease, but a diety.
In a relationship she has the role of the oracle who knows when it is time for ycesl to begin and end. As such, she is the wildish aspect of the relationship, the one of whom men are most terrified… and sometimes woman also, for when faith in the transformative has been lost, the natural cycles of increase and attrition are feared as well.”
In essence, what I understand is, that in order to experience life and love relationships to their fullest, all parties need to embrace the Death Cycle in their sphere. Without it, life is void of meaning and remains surface level without fulfillment or satisfaction.
It is not an easy or comfortable thing to face death head on. I believe if we did still as a society we wouldn’t have the sickness that we see. People would live more balanced satisfied lives in all facets. Love, Relationships, Health, Work, Sex, Family… but sadly it is a forgotten way or feared way.
A part of me died upon returning home to New Zealand. A part of my psyche, an old way of being that was no longer serving me in the world, in the life I want to create, and so in letting her go, I needed to grieve a loss. I needed to purge her on an emotional, mental & spiritual level.
It is time to reawaken our ways of being, of innate connection with our land and the nature Life/Death/Life nature cycles.
Join me in Queenstown this Saturday for Intro to Energetic Self Care
Sometimes the day calls for gentleness and not so much action.
This ride can be a challenging one when sometimes the next step is NOT clear, but a decision needs to be made.
Such is the case for me today, and as a result (I think), my thoughts and feels, are funky and so it’s been a slow day for me.
Despite having tools, I’m normalizing that this path is tough and unknown and that it’s impossible to be upbeat and optimistic all the time.
“the only way forward is through’
Every morning it is natural for me to check in with myself and feel where my energy is at, how it feels.
When it’s super funky and foggy, I put out a tool from my tool kit and apply it to increase my good feels.
This one is from an awesome man you may know – Wim Hof.
I follow my bodies lead and allow whatever I need to move through me;
– Emotional Release
– Sound Release
– Physical Movements
You know when you wake up in the morning (feeling like P Diddy), and you’re present to some funk. Not the dance kind, but the energetic kind.
Sometimes you sit with it, sometimes you can move it.
In this video I share a little of my funk and remind you how you can simply ask it what it needs. Simple right? Ya – I thought so too.
Conversations recently are beginning to amp around the topic of sex and relationships. Perhaps it’s that Venus has recently been in Retrograde, so she’s been digging up all the stuff we needed to release and transform, preparing us for another step forward in the journey of self love and awareness.
I’m loving it, because some beautiful experiences have recently come my way. A beautiful intimate experience with another and satisfying conversations with girl friends, breaking down the aftermath of insights preceding it. It’s touched on a really deep desire to talk about and explore the intricate nature that are intimate relationships.
From the conversations had with another, to the nitty gritty of what happens in the bedroom. What this comes down to I believe, is that it’s not a topic we have been encouraged to explore and learn about since the day we were old enough to understand, what is sex & where do babies come from?
I was given a picture book which illustrated dogs and puppies to humans and babies, my girlfriend nods in acknowledgement that she too was given a book. We’re taught in school that girls get periods and to put a cotton tampon in your vagina each month and BAM that’s pretty much it, oh and to take the contraceptive pill if you’re sexually active.
There’s no information about about moon cycles, red tents, TSS – toxic shock syndrome, how to manage emotions, the emotional healing and clearing of the month, and forget about the magical wonder of being a Woman. (I don’t mean to section out Men right now. I do think there should be the equal education for Men, however at present I am reflecting on my personal story to date – as, I am a Woman).
We’re not taught about female pleasure, orgasms, yin/yang energy, kissing, boundaries or the importance of communication and the differences between Males and Females. Think Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Nope, it’s just a make things up as you go kinda deal. Which really, is life in general, learning to fly as you’re building the plane. I’m not finger pointing or making our parents or teachers wrong, just merely pointing out the ‘what if’ it was different?
What if we were taught? What if, we start teaching now?
I am sure that I am not the only one who grew up not having a clue about any of this. I remember discovering my orgasm by accident and feeling such guilt that I had touched myself to do so. It took me years to remove that self created pattern from my body.
They say that only about 57% of Woman can orgasm through intercourse, and can only orgasm through direct clitoral stimulation. I personally believe there’s a whole underground to uncover here. One of the main themes being of shame and worth. Shame and worth to receive pleasure. To allow the expansive nature of surrender and receive from your partner. This merely being the trigger to unlock the depth of generational wounding from our history as Woman. No wonder period pain is classified ‘normal’ in this day and age.
Let me make it clear that period pain is NOT normal!
Even now my conversations with my girlfriends still hold an element of feeling like we don’t have the power to state what it is that we like and don’t like. There seems to be this age old pattern of the Man initiating the act, and leading the sex the way he likes it, we simply follow and often times feel unsatisfied afterwards. We don’t say anything because quite likely, we simply do not know what it is we like, or are fearful to ask for what we want, so we follow the grain and do what we’ve always done.
I am grateful that I’ve been exploring my personal pleasure for a while now, and have learnt what I like. I’ve learnt a lot about my body, and the intricacies of subtle energy and how they beautifully play together. I know my body, and I will always continue to learn. But who knows this stuff if 1) it’s not taught, or 2) you haven’t taken the initiative to explore yourself? Perhaps it’s the ever curious adventurous Sagittarian in me that is on the quest for more, more, more?!
So now fast forward, into the adults that we’re meant to be. Collectively there is this conversation that is happening about the Men not doing xyz, not being present, not communicating, not being available etc etc… But the way I see it is, how are we not working together? I feel like in each moment, we are only ever learning, and if we’re not open to learning and being vulnerable, well then your mind is filled with preconceived ideas about a thing which is based on your agenda or an outcome you want. Therefore missing the beauty that is really unfolding in that very moment.
Every conversation and relationship is but a step forward in our own personal evolution of self. To come away from an interaction with thoughts about what the other didn’t do, or wasn’t available to do, is only a mirror for our own self to explore. 99% of the time.
So where does it all start?
Personal development, self time and reflection and yes physical exploration. What do you like, what don’t you like AND can you communicate that to your partner. What arises in the act of this?
Fear, embarrassment, hurt, pain… What a wonderful pot of mud to jump in and explore. Maybe on the precipice of it, it may not look it beautiful, but Ooooohhhh the Ooooooh at the other end of it will be well worth your time. Believe me!
I’ll leave you with some links for wonderful people already out in the world doing this work;
So much love x
2017 is here, 2016 fades, and I’m learning to find my words again.
For me, 2016 still lingers, like a bad smell that won’t quit. A reminder of the epic lessons thrown at me. The relentless pummeling, like being dumped in a massive surf break that appears as endless as an Australian Summer.
Last year was a massive year of endings, lessons, transformations, challenges & every other color in between that. I was forced to let go of anything and everything I knew to be true, AND, any form of external safety or security I had created.
I found myself living in Bali for the full duration, with a brief trip to Australia for a visa run. Other than that, it was life in a Silent Retreat for 8.5 months, followed by life in Ubud, Bali.
In hindsight now, I can see that I simply needed to make the decision to be here, rather than leave decisions to the wind and magically hope that Bali would simply provide everything I could need. But hindsights are always that aren’t they, seeing life clearly once you’ve been on the rollercoaster ride of life adventure.
It was scary being here. Scary in the not knowing, it still is. Of surrendering to the fact that we are not control. I struggle with this dance. Of choosing a direction and trusting that I will be supported in it. I think I am still holding the scars from the last time I trusted this process. Leaving Australia for Canada, and then leaving Canada for New Zealand. I’m smart ya know – I do understand that life is about experiences – adventure. Successes and Failures. But today I acknowledge *yet again* the pain of hurt in my heart from something that ended so abruptly.
So I struggle to choose something and trust. Hence the non choosing of my life here in Bali. To just wander and drift and hope that life would show up for me. And it has, I have constantly been provided for. Amazing friends & family who have provided accommodation, food & listening loving ears whenever I have needed.
But this way of living has invited a sense of hopelessness, a mistrust within myself that I didn’t hold the power to make anything happen, that I was at the complete mercy of life to carry me where I needed to go. Even today I still feel like this. Just having finished a conversation with a new friend in a coffee shop, I still feel powerless to life.
I know no one knows where they are going, but I for one feel like I’m leading the party on the mission to no where. Sometimes I feel like I have it right, and everyone else has it wrong. Because we aren’t going anywhere, we are only here. Right here, right now. In fact to think we are going anywhere else but here is laughable!
“Want to make god laugh? Tell him your plans.”
But my lesson of the year, is one of trust & co-creation. Of working with the law of attraction to make the desirable occur. I want a home. I have to choose a home. Sounds basic right? Yes. But I’ve lacked the fundamental self belief that I am worthy of anything, so therefore chose to not choose anything. And because I chose nothing, then nothing showed up, despite me wanting stuff. I was in-congruent with my core belief – “I’m not worthy.” So keep attracting more of not being worthy. Ouch!
I’m on the final straight of this doozy of a lesson. I am SO done with believing I am not enough, it serves NO ONE!
Yes – I have chosen that I want a home & am actively searching. It is taking it’s sweet time for sure, but I’m putting it down to the right one making it’s way to me. I am receiving messages that this lesson is near completion, that I have done the work, and that now it’s about letting go and allowing the final completion to occur with gratitude for all it’s wonder and juiciness.
I gave thanks to my dear Sista – Samaya last night, she has opened up her home to me & has made me feel nothing but welcome. I said to her, if this is the final hurrah of this lesson, I’ve been given such a wonderful opportunity by sharing such quality time with her.
Forgive my writing, but I’m still finding my writing pants – I think I have lost them from the constant bed hopping that I’ve been participating in. Writing feels like I am swimming in an alphabet stew and cannot connect the correct letters, let alone words, to put together. I used to find writing & blogging so easy – but currently it’s like trying to swim to the surface after being pummeled by those said waves in the beginning.
This is an Osho card reading I gave myself last night. Depicting the situation at hand.
1 – The Issue – Consciousness
2 – What I’m present to internally – Innocence
3 – What needs to happen externally – Letting Go
4 – What is currently happening – Transformation
5 – The Outcome – Completion
3 of these cards being Major Arcana Cards – representing BIG lessons at play.
In my years of being a Trainer, the proven weight loss tip I’ve ever learnt and applied was,
“Chew your food mindfully in peace and quiet,
until it turns to liquid before you swallow”.
In doing so, each organ in your body carries out its designated role in the eating & digestion process. The mouth for chewing & savoring the taste of your food, the stomach for breaking down chewed particles, the small intestine for absorption of nutrients & minerals, and the large intestine for releasing the waste.
In slowing our chewing, not only do we create time to enjoy our meal, appreciate what nutrition we’ve chosen to nourish our bodies with, the earth it has grown in. We also give our stomach the time it needs to tell our brain that it feels satiated, which means we’ve eaten enough. Therefore we don’t over eat more than is needed. We don’t receive this message way past having already eaten everything on our plates. We are often conditioned to eat everything that’s on our plate, despite our bodies telling us we’re full.
In listening to our bodies feelings of fullness, we also get to eliminate some digestive programs that occur from not chewing our food correctly. Leaky gut, constipation, acid re flux, gas, bloating, burping, abdominal pain, indigestion to name a few.
Because I changed how I chewed my food, my meal portions dropped, my tummy felt less bloated, and I dropped excess weight. I was no longer eating more than I needed, and was able to shed additional kilos my body was holding onto.
This simple change is easier than trying to change many dietary things at once.”
Heidi Firth is a Personal Trainer, Transpersonal Coach & Energy Healer.
Her passion is to inspire others to connect with their inner wisdom, their Inner Guru.
Perhaps you’ve read about the awakening process or are going through it yourself. The world is shifting and people are awakening to the truth of this life. It can be a scary initiation that is a preparation into your unique life purpose and why you are living this life. One that has more meaning than that of simply following the society norm of which we have been conditioned to through our up bringing.
To help a little, and normalize what you might be experiencing, I’ve compiled 6 examples to support your surrender and remind you you aren’t alone.
I know when I experienced these, I felt like I was the only person on Earth and didn’t understand what was happening. Please know you’re not alone as many have gone before you, and are right alongside you right now. At this time there is an abundance of people available to support you and understand your experience.
6 Signs You’re Experiencing the Awakening Process
1 – Something outside of your control happens;
Maybe you lost your job?
A large financial challenge occurs.
You move homes, or locations.
You’re going through a divorce or separation with a loved one.
Someone dear to you passes on.
A desired outcome was not fulfilled.
Situations that occur beyond what our Ego has calculated can invite an opportunity for fear to visit. This is not a bad thing. Merely a chance to test our resiliency and feel emotions we may not have allowed ourselves to feel by being in our mapped out existence. When we know what we know, well… When we don’t know what we don’t know…
2 – Feeling emotional for unknown reasons;
You experience a spectrum of emotions for unknown (or maybe known) reasons. But you really do not understand WHY you feel this magnified way about this unknown, or known thing, but you do. You feel like reclusing, hiding, you are unsure how to cope.
When life happens for us externally, it can activate emotions that are suppressed within our psyche. Something may have happened during our childhood years, or perhaps past lives, that we weren’t able to process, that now as an adult we have the capacity to.
3 – Feeling alone/misunderstood in usual social situations;
Going out tonight, you didn’t really feel like going. But you go because you feel a sense of obligation. It’s what you ‘should’ do. The small talk at the outing feels really really hard. You long to simply be at home, or be able to talk about what is really going on in your life, but you feel far to vulnerable to show how you really feel and fear being judged and feeling like ‘that person’. That person who is struggling with life and doesn’t have it all together. Because of course we should, right? (tongue in cheek)
As our consciousness is shifting and we are awakening to a whole new world of thoughts, feelings, emotions and ways of being in the world, we begin to shift and out grow or existing reality.
4 – Increased sensitivity to usual environments & information
Watching the News, or reading Newspapers is no longer enjoyable. You don’t like the fear mongering in these stores, they make you feel bad. You prefer to scroll Social Media for feel good stories, articles and information, watch YouTube Videos and choose to inform yourself on what ‘the people’ are sharing. There are great things happening in the world too! You are consciously choosing to feel good, not bad.
You might be beginning to notice how easy it is to feel bad based on environmental factors. Media, people, environments, food, bars, clubs, places you used to put your energy into. You’ll be making conscious choices for what makes you feel good vs bad.
5 – Falling away of current friendships
You’re feeling like your current circle of friends don’t understand you and what is happening. You struggle to talk to them and feel really uncomfortable when you try. When you do, they console you with things like:
– it’ll pass
– you’ll be right // you’ll get through this
– everyone goes through something
– did you know such and such had xyz happen – you’re lucky compared to them
It’s not their fault they don’t know how to acknowledge you, but you feel no better, maybe worse and more alone from not feeling heard.
Yup – this is a tricky, and personal one to navigate. Ensure you seek support from a practitioner who can acknowledge how you feel. How you feel IS important and valid and it’s absolutely irrelevant to compare your situation to another person going through the same or different circumstances. We are all unique and riding our own life waves.
6 – There is discomfort in the life you once felt comfort
Suddenly, being in large populated areas like shopping malls, supermarkets now aggravates you. The bright lights, artificial food & packaging, screaming children, intense energy, the sense of stress and urgency from over worked faces around you. Not to mention the stress of getting in and out of the car park!
Another uncomfortable one, but a great opportunity to acknowledge you and your needs. There are other options available that don’t have to include going to a busy supermarket or mall. Lucky now we have home gardens, whole foods stores, weekend markets, organic delivery services, co-ops. Start doing some research if you haven’t already to connect with local people, create grass roots connections with others around you who are connected to the Earth. Life isn’t a fast food store, so we shouldn’t live like it.
Lots of wonderful unfolding lessons will show themselves in time. This is a magical time where you will see more than you have before. It may not feel like it at the time, but remember to breathe, seek support and know you are not alone in this.
There hasn’t been much inspiration for blogging recently, I’ve been knee deep in emotional healing, loving my Inner Child, much to the disappointment of my inner ‘get things done’ self. Apparently now is a time of deep inner healing, as reflected to me by my healer friend.
There’s been resistance with the acceptance of this, I mean, I am in the perfect place to be healing, but seriously, how long does one have to heal for – can I get on with the show already? Am I right?
It feels as though this year has been relentless in the pursuit of healing. The whole of 2016! In numerology this year is a 9 year, a year of endings. 2+0+1+6=9. Representing the ending of a 8/9 year cycle, and I tell you what, these numbers aren’t lying. This last year feels like it has been dying a slow death, like the transition of seasons from fall to winter – but longer.
After spending 8.5 months in a Silent Retreat, 2.5 in Ubud – I feel like physically, I have not achieved one thing. Sure, there may be a few blog posts to show, pages and pages of scribbled journaling’s – most of which are ash by now. I have 2 suitcases filled with my belongings & have accumulated one beautiful gifted wooden Ganesha representative of destroying my obstacles. Sounds like a pretty clean simple year no?
Internally it looks like the Sahara desert, intuitively I feel endless rolling hills of cleared debris & destruction. You can’t see my inner landscape, I can’t prove to you how much inner work I’ve done. We cannot sit and compare notes and graphs about who’s inner work is going to have the biggest return on investment, because this shit can’t be seen. When times like this in life present, (and yes I say times like this, as this isn’t the first time I’ve experienced this), it is so easy to forget that life exists outside of the inner destruction that has occurred.
I forget that there IS a life of dreams and desires, of the world’s greatest riches. I forget that there are manifestations of unknown awaiting my rebirth into the world. I forget that there is a sea of possibility just begging me to grab a hold of it with both hands. I forget that I am a valued being on this planet and another voice for Mother Earth. I forget. I am lost in my inner Star Wars Movie – the battle of the dark side against the light.
This recent battle is just about over. One that has invited my inner teenager with all her wounds, aches and pains. I was gifted a beautiful encounter with a gorgeous Balinese Man who’s smile was enough to make my heart melt, and it pretty much did. It has been about one full year since anyone had looked at me, so to feel my butterflies dance in my tummy was a strange, but exciting feeling – I decided to explore it. Why not?
Edges were met & my fears emerged, I didn’t know whether to let the whole thing go and continue to protect my precious heart, or to open and expand despite these fears. A trip back to the Silent Retreat and a deep dig towards some inner courage saw me return to Ubud lighter and ready to explore.
My heart was opened again and I felt as vulnerable as a fresh teenager rich with new hormones. She was out in full force. The beauty of this relationship was a test of this vulnerable part of myself – would she seek fulfillment in another, or would I (adult Heidi) rise to the challenge and be there to catch her – to meet her needs.
Heart open, arms wide, I was there to catch her, there could be no other way, because he was not available, nor is it his job. His heart closed, encased behind walls of hurt & pain. She kicked & screamed and yelled at me for love, so show up for her did. Time spent laying on my bed, holding my heart, tears streaming, journaling & meditation to hold her tightly was all I could do from going crazy thinking about him.
An external force brought into my world to make me show up stronger than I ever have for myself. It’s been a good month of parenting myself, it has been wild & relentless. I am SO thankful to see who I am and understand how to care for me, to not throw myself at another in the vain ‘hope’ that he will give me what I needed to give myself.
The relationship has come to a close, and I am feeling a little more settled within my heart, aware of new lessons on the cusp. Trust & Intimacy… This inner work, really is akin to work – seriously! If there was a way to be paid for it, I would be onto the winning ticket.
Our relationships really are nothing but mirrors for us. Showing up to teach us the deepest parts of ourselves we have not yet met. It takes courage to engage in conscious relationships – that shit ain’t easy.
“the road can teach you how to love and let go,
it can be lonely, but it’s the only thing, that we’ve ever known…”
Wash It Away
> If you’re needing support in gaining clarity around your Inner Child within relationships, contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org or Be Your Own Guru – Worldwide on Facebook.