These past few days have invited some deep internal reflection. It has been brutally confronting, inviting me to look at old untruths that I have been operating from. But first, these patterns wouldn’t have come to head, if I hadn’t have allowed myself to sit in a womb of Bali love for these past 8-9 months.
Like all good cycles, this one has been epic beyond explanation. Inviting in rich feminine nurturing and ways of being I have been unaccustomed to. I’m Heidi – I like to charge forward like the Sagittarian Adventurer that I am, making shit happen & tearing things up in my path. This time has welcomed a newer, upgraded version of Heidi, one who has richer compassion and deep nurturment for the feminine process and holding.
I have needed to spend time healing my heart after my breakup, and look at my underlying issues of worthiness that it brought up.
It is merely intuition that has taught me that these months have been a holding period. Much to my personal frustration of wanting to get on with life and move forward. After all, doesn’t it feel so satisfying to take action towards the things we want most in life? Look at us humans right now, we are so ADDICTED to being in action. Our very days are full to the brim with action tasks and duties. Not to many moments are filled with blissful nothingness, simply watching nature & counting our blessings on breathe. “Il dolce far niente.”
I’ve trusted my guidance and taken one step at a time, accepting the discomfort of what was, trusting that everything is in perfect order, despite it not looking like the order I wanted so dearly. After all, as the saying goes “we get what we need, not what we want.”
I’ve carried out tasks that I am good at, that have served me living this life – making a living – in exchange for accommodation, food & other additions that have allowed me to stay on this island of Bali. It has triggered my deepest frustrations to not be ‘in control’ of such simple matters. However it has been so satisfying to not have to conform to the basic demands of needing to earn real money, only to see the gross of it go off to things like rent, expenses, food, gas, loans and so on. I have been gifted a break from the rat race. An incredible opportunity to rest from such a Masculine/Yang way of living.
Still I was aware of needing to break from Bali. An opportunity to gain a fresh perspective. To see if leaving this island was what I needed to do to move forward, break free of the Bali bubble. A return break to Australia to spend time with my bestie was just what I needed. Time to drink all the coffee and eat all the chocolate with my friend, and to not consider the needs of the retreat and my personal frustrations with, “what am I doing with my life!”
Feeling unbiased either way upon my return – should I stay, should I go – I returned and initially felt no clearer other than experiencing a few UP days, which were so so welcome, the nurturing womb of Bali love had changed – I felt freer. But direction & purpose were still no more clearer. Hoping clarity would show up after some necessary conversations, I’d hoped options would become clear to me. This wasn’t to be the case. Foggier and foggier I became. I fell into a hole of darkness yesterday and experienced my lows in full force. Worthiness, lack, sadness, fear. I decided to hide from myself by watching a movie.
That evening I attended our Agnihotra Fire Ceremony which welcomes purging of old to bring about transformation, and how perfect for this New Moon Energy. Still agitation sat with me and I choose to leave before it was finished. I retired to bed and decided to again distract myself with something to watch online. I found an interview with Marie Forleo & Tony Robbins. I started watching it out of curiosity. He’s been around for years, but I have never felt any interest in him. However he has a movie set for release shortly titled “I am not your Guru”, which is on par with my Be Your Own Guru concept. I watched for a bit but felt uninspired.
Clicking on a different video of his, titled something like “how to control your emotions” thinking, this will be interesting. I am not for controlling my emotions, but giving them the space to be what they need to be, but figured he must know what he’s talking about given his status & duration of time in the Personal Development field.
I understand that every emotion is a message telling us that we need to change something. I get this. We listen to the message & go deeper into it to find the core underlying message. I get this also. What he teaches, after acknowledging what the core message is, there are one of two things one can do;
1 – Change your perception of what you are experiencing to change your feeling, or
2 – Take action preceding the situation.
I often have the tendency to sit in the emotion of what comes up a bit longer than needed. For example, the recent changes here have triggered my feelings of worthiness. So I feel into the feelings of lack of worth. Allowing it to be what is. It does eventually shift naturally, however it can be quite uncomfortable to be there for extended periods of time, as one might imagine. Perhaps this has to do with my emotional maturity – having cut myself off from feeling emotions at a young age? Perhaps making up for lost time, I don’t know?
This morning upon waking, I sat in my fog and asked “what do I do next?” I had been waiting for internal guidance to guide me, giving me some kind of inspiration. A clear indication around what action I needed to take. Up until recently, I’ve been getting nadda. This morning what came through was a message – “back yourself.”
What listening to Tony the night before did, was reminded me that I am in control. I am in charge of what I want to create. I looked at why I am feeling this way. I got really honest with myself. I knew I didn’t want to return into the same bubble that I was previously. So what was my resistance?
I had been so down on my self belief, that I thought that I couldn’t create what I wanted. I thought it was gone. That my purpose was in the hands of some greater force guiding me, dictating where I needed to go & be. I was reminded that the most rewarding time of my working life, was when I worked for myself. I was my own boss. I did what I wanted and the sky was the limit!
This memory reminded me that I can do that again!
I needed to internally choose. I needed to step up, to back myself. To choose that I want to work for myself. To accept the massive opportunity that I have been given here. Of course I don’t know how I am going to do it, or what I am going to do, I only know that I cannot go backwards. I have to encompass everything that I know and have integrated over the past 15 years and bring it forward into the now. Now is the time to do.
As soon as I made this decision, I took myself off for an ass kicking workout. I biked to some local stairs that I love pounding and pumped out repetitions of them. I was my own Personal Trainer. Edging myself forward to push through the mud into something new.
This was communicated with the Founder here & a very short time after, a guest booked me for a session! Such a perfect confirmation that I have made the right decision aligned to my highest good. In hindsight, what I’ve shared is so simple, but experientially one of the toughest processes to date.
There was so much richness in the womb of Bali love that I needed, to come from a new, perhaps more loving, compassionate nurturing way of being, that perhaps could not have been facilitated from my old way of being. We are no longer living head based lives; we need to align with our hearts true purpose in each moment. It is easy to charge forward from the head, but to come from the heart, that is truly living.
A reoccurring theme has been emerging in my dreams for some years now.
I had another last night, and when I awoke, spent some time reflecting on it.
It connects to an experience I had during my teenage years.
In these years, it involves my friends not inviting me to join them for a spa at one of our guy friends houses’. We were staying/living together at the time, and after dinner, everyone quietly packed up & left without so much as a see you later.
I found myself alone within the house wondering – what had I done? Why had I not been invited? I was devastated!
Mum was out of town at the time, hence the three of us living together during this time. Mum had ‘conveniently’ changed the locks on our family home, so I couldn’t access it while they were gone. I still called her & told her what had happened, and she organised for me to move into her friends’ home until she returned.
So I packed up my things and moved in with Diane. I didn’t speak to my ‘friends’ for the next couple of years.
Bam. Done. What had I done? Till this day I still don’t know what happened?
The theme of this experience, repeats itself in my dreams, and has done for years. The devastation of not being invited to hang with my so called friends. Rejection, Devastation & Hurt. So when the dream arose again this morning I begun to question it some more.
How do I really feel about what happened back then?
Where do I feel ‘upset’ in my body?
– My heart
Am I ready to let this pain go?
What do I need in order to do that?
– Let go
At the moment, when thinking about how I felt during this, it feels almost as real as the day it happened. It’s like I could pick up the phone & call these girls and ask them why? If it wasn’t nearly 20 years later!
It got me thinking. What is their experience of this memory? What was going on for them to practice such cruel behavior? Did they even consider their behavior? There are different sides to every story. If this is mine, what was/is theirs’? Curious.
It is only now with my open perspective that I can see the full glass, as opposed to the narrow view I saw back then. I still hold/held (moving into past tense) pain for the incident, I’m human, and this is my healing. However there is always a greater perspective at play. I may, or may not ever get to know it, but life can be funny that way. Like puzzle pieces fitting together, sometime it might not fit together until a riper age of grace.
I see this puzzle piece as being a small part of the whole, in regards to my healing as a female. I still get menstrual cramps, and have as long as I can remember. I know that it is NOT NORMAL, yet society dictates that it is very normal for woman to get cramps. I’m sorry – but I call Bull Shit!
Bull Shit to it being normal, that woman accept something as natural as the ebb and flow of nature, is painful!
Bull Shit to aches that land some woman bed ridden for days!
I call BULL SHIT!
I believe as women, we have lost of primal ways. We have suppressed them SO deep within us, that we actually have no memory or connection to what they are anymore.
I believe that we suffer in aloneness, so fearful to show our vulnerability to other woman, for fear of judgement & rejection.
Yet I believe that each and everyone of us, feels a deep pain within us, that is yearning for expression, that is yearning to be heard & received by other woman.
I know I feel alone in mine. There have been times that I have wailed into my pillow for humanity – the pain of it all. The pain of being a woman, the pain of feeling such emotions that cannot be explained. The pain of not being understood by your mate – who looks at you baffled.
Why are we not tearing down these walls that separate us? We sincerely have work to do. To not only heal ourselves, but our generational lineage AND the planet – MOTHER EARTH herself!
WE have WORK WILD WOMAN!
And so we must address our deepest yearnings, our deepest emotions and raw selves.
WE must address our dreams, our memories, our aches and our pains.
We must hold our sisters as they divulge their truth, setting them & ourselves free from our shackles.
Many a goddess circle is arriving even online during these times. There are so many opportunities for support if we are open, courageous & vulnerable to seek it.
I know that it is scary, god knows that I know. But I’m tired of doing this on my own. I’m ready for something new. I’m ready to love & to receive that same love.
I’m ready to let my guard down – so that you dear sister can see me, and I can see you.
During this time, as Mercury goes Retrograde for the next three weeks, I find myself deeply reflective of the past number of weeks. I can’t say how many.
If I’m really honest with myself – they have been somewhat challenging. The context seems irrelevant.
As if I attach to the context, that could be the very thing supporting me to feel challenged. Whereas if I surrender, I float in a bubble of purity & openness.
An old friend wrote to me this week, and what she wrote really landed.
“Yes I understand what you mean regarding the situation with your business. I wonder if it is a reset in some way due to the re-emergence of the feminine, inviting us as women to sit, to hold and allow creativity to emerge…….. rather than being born of action and goal setting……so masculine, so controling, where is the trust in that?”
These were her exact written words.
It’s SO profoundly true!
As women – we are still so masculine. Seeking to provide for our families, go to work, run a business, set goals, change the world. I don’t think there is anything wrong with this. But my friends words have me pondering.
Perhaps this paradigm shift is still VERY different from the ideas and that we/I are still driving.
Perhaps this reflective time for me is about completely rewriting my concept of life. Another opportunity to blow ideas from my mind, paving way for new inspired ways.
It’s not an easy ride I tell you.
To surrender it all takes courage. And damn right I am one helava courageous soul.
I release what I think I know, to arrive into the vast expanse of the unknown.
From here, well… That is a mystery.
Day 2 here I am!
If you haven’t heard, I signed up for a 15 day blog challenge. Each day presents a new topic to blog about.
Todays is: What is your Most Important Action that will leverage your business within the next 15 days.
Initially when I listened to Natalie’s Video this morning, I felt a surge of anxiety…
Holy Shit – what am I NOT doing!
I went straight into fear mode.
Natalie listed some examples of Most Important Actions, and it made me realize how far I am from, say, putting a client proposal together, creating video scripts, or launching a new product.
And this is my problem. I can often feel deflated because I’m not where I would like to be.
I totally compare myself to all the other beauties out there who HAVE launched their books, who have a tribe of followers and generally look like they’re kicking ASS!
So I went through my little process of this, and acknowledged, right, I might not be at the stage of creating the above tasks, BUT this topic is a right kick up the bum, and I see myself as a proactive – motivated individual – SO what IS achievable for me?
I think the biggest obstacle – if I even bother to call it that – is Networking. Telling people what I do!
Because I’m new in this town, and new to this bloody country for that matter – I am SO aware that I am yet to create my group of friends and network.
I have been aware of this, and so last week, I decided to take some action – and went into my local lululemon athletica store and asked for a job.
They’re not currently hiring, but that doesn’t mean that’s the end of that – it’ll be a work in progress.
But the MAGIC of the morning, from this MIA process is that upon my arrival at my gym this morning, I saw my friend T. He asked me how I went with lululemon, and I shared what I did with you. I shared my intentions around wanting to work for them again. He suggested a recent opportunity that could exist within Studio 4 (my gym). They’re currently seeking a membership consultant/reception person, and said he’d be happy to introduce me to the gym Manager if I wanted.
Long story short. By the end of my workout – I knew I wanted to meet the Manager – so I did.
I have just emailed off my Resume to her, and who knows? I could have a P/T role within my local gym…
Talk about getting clear on what you need & making shit happen!
What a wonderful opportunity it would be. I could meet so many new people & get my word out there!
So – My Most Important Action is NETWORKING – telling people what I do.
And just incase you don’t know what I do…
I help individuals and groups of women align to their greatest Health, Increasing Self Love & Self Esteem.
This month, today actually. I am having particularly strong menstrual pains.
I decided to apply my technique (that I shared in a previous Facebook post) about tuning in and asking it what it needs.
Sounds almost crazy to something that one is almost accustomed to having each month?
Still I KNOW that as a Woman, I am NOT meant to be feeling these intense pains each month.
I thought about describing the feeling to someone who didn’t understand what they felt like, and it goes a little something like;
“It feels as though someone has grabbed a hold of my uterus through my pelvis, also grabbing my lower spine while they’re in there, and is attempting to pull them both out through my pelvis, constantly. YEEEEOUCH!
Sounds delightful doesn’t it?!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO is the RAGE that I feel at this feeling!
A PRIMAL GUT WRENCHING SCREAM…..
How on Earth, Where on Earth can I head to release this primal rage inside of me!
I am sitting here right now, in front of my computer, neatly typing about such ravaged words….
There is an absolute mismatch! An incongruency in action.
This past week, I have tapped into a shift I am processing at present.
It is one that stems far deeper than my individual wounding, and drops into centuries of womanly wounding. I don’t fully understand it, and how could I if I, my body is not centuries old. But my Spirit is. My Spirit tells the story of the centuries of woman’s pain. My Spirit knows at its core what needs to heal, and I feel strongly, I feel it communicating to me, preparing me to let go and commence healing for something far deeper than I will ever understand.
I was reflecting on this topic last night and wondering how the HELL would I be able to discuss such a thing. I mean if this is what I am called to write about, to talk about, how can I, who has no knowledge of this start.
Spirit always knows.
And so, I am going to write the words that I receive from Spirit, in answer to the questions I ask.
Q: What is it that I need to acknowledge about the Woman’s Wound?
A: It is time to burst open with love for the divine feminine that has been repressed for far to long.
Q: How do I do this?
A: By doing what you are doing now. Acknowledging that it exists and bringing light to the dark that has been.
Q: OK, and then?
A: And then you can share with your tribes of women who also experience deep pain within them and their families of origin.
Q: What will I say in my words?
A: You say what is true in your heart. What is real for you in this moment. Share you raw emotions, your hurt , pain and suffering for having felt your divine feminine suppressed.
Q: (to myself) What has it been like for me, Heidi, to have my divine feminine repressed?
I feel curled, contracted, bundled, shackled, leased, un wild, tamed… like a caged lioness who has been held captive, unable to hunt for her pride. I feel repressed energy, sadness and grief, dark, the sunrise before it has risen, ready to rise, but time standing still. A scream with no voice, unheard and alone. Alone, unattached, small, a flower bud before it has blossomed with all the pressure building to bust and burst its beauty, an air bubble beneath water beaming towards the surface, but just beneath the surface… all these feelings and MORE…. just waiting, longing, wanting to be FREE!
Soul speaks, listen.
It is time. Perhaps it IS the time of the WOLF?