Last week, I had such an amazing, joyful time here in Mongan Village. The sun shone, I walked the dogs, I saw a client, I held a group discussion – it felt really really good. This week, it has rained constantly. No clients so far, dogs with cabin fever and my inner landscape feeling …
Living in Bali is a common conversation topic had frequently amongst friends. We often share similar themes for living on this magical island of the gods.
There are however exceptions to these themes, as there are different pockets of people who live here. All of which will experience Bali in their own magical way. But these themes appear to be the generic topics I experience with my network.
Perhaps I’ll break it down;
It’s not called the island of the gods for nothing. There is a palpable energy here that is felt by all, and if you don’t consciously feel it, you will on a deeper subconscious level.
Ubud, Bali is an epicenter for healing. From Yoga, to Meditation, to Traditional Balinese Healers, Gong Sessions, Sound Therapy, Massage, Water Temples, Ecstatic Dance Parties, to sitting in silence at a silent retreat. Bali has an abundance of modalities to welcome all spiritual seekers back to their truth.
Whether we know this is why we are here or not, there is a reason why people come to Bali.
I personally believe that many of us are lost, working to find our way back home, the home within ourselves. We’ve lost connection with our land, our people, our tribe. Sure we call it backpacking or holidaying, I feel we are lost and trying to find our way home in some way. Bali facilitates that. With its wild nature, and beautiful heart-centered people, it shows us a simpler way of living. Bali brings us back to ourselves gently, or not so gently depending upon how you receive her guidance.
Now this one I am speaking for myself and some of my friends who share the same story. This isn’t everyone’s truth and I’m aware that I don’t wish for this to become my truth, but it is mega interesting that many people struggle here.
For one, working here is illegal, so jobs are few, and working online can be limited. Many digital nomads set themselves up in co-working spaces. That’s one pocket of individuals I’m not tapped into. I did think I was going to go down this road, and 9 months ago signed up to an online Digital Marketing company. I was determined and positive that this was aligned to me and what I was bringing into the world, but as I got deeper and deeper into the online lessons, I learnt that it moved me further and further away from my values and what I wanted to bring to the world.
There are many layers of conditioning that I’ve needed to disassemble to teach me I can do the work I value in the world, and make money. This is a whole topic unto itself I could write a separate blog on.
I’ve had to learn to shift from a fear based way of living, into a heart centered. In the West we have our jobs, our 9-5, our salary and benefits. These are great and supportive and enable us to build the lives we have, BUT, are these jobs 100% the creation of ours souls desire? Chances are if you were to break it down, it likely wouldn’t be. You might find it to be the cultivation of your fears, driving you to the creation of the cushy supportive job that gives you the run off of stuff and things that makes you feel a certain way. This isn’t bad or wrong, it’s just conditioning. Until we begin to question, we only know what we only know.
I’ve had to face the harsh discomfort of having nothing. No money, no stuff, no things, peeling away all the layers of built up fear, face the underlying drivers behind why I’ve done what I’ve done, to build a new foundation to move into the world with. That shits not easy, and it’s not for everyone, but it’s something that my soul guided me to undergo.
I’m not bound by interest rates, home loans, expensive assets, expensive toys, rents and monthly internet, netflix or electricity bills. I’ve found freedom. I know I am but one person, not a family, but these money lessons have been the hugest to date.
I now see through the cracks of society and how it’s all one massive orchestrated control fest. Rats on a never ending wheel of working to live, living to work. Being educated the value of a career, to earn high wages, to own the nice house and car, losing sight of the real abundance in this lifetime. The soil, the planet, our health. Again a whole blog post could be written here.
This is as crazy as it sounds. Seriously. It has taken my friend 5 months to create a flyer for her business. From working with a graphic designer to edit an existing flyer template, to paying her, to getting it to the printers, has been one crazy laughable ride. The funny thing is, it’s away perfect. There is a flow, a yin based way of living here.
It’s like you have to throw your intention to the wind, wait like a boomerang for it to return to your thoughts, before moving forward in action towards it. Try going to the post office for example; something so simple and easy in any other part of the world. Here, you have to find your available pocket of time to go, navigate the extreme tourist traffic, find a bike park, await your turn – often a good chunk of time, ensure you have your ID, all required items to post and money. Because this is Bali, chances are, one day you’ll forget your ID, another day, the post office will be closed due to ceremony, and another – you’ll miraculously bump into an old friend you haven’t seen in 5 years whilst on the way, and miss out on making it to the post office before it closes. Simple things become hard. And as always, it’s perfect.
Have you heard the saying, you get what you need, not what you want?
Well that comes into form here. Anyone with an agenda should be prepared to let that go ASAP. There is a natural flow state here. Things unfold as and when they’re meant to. We in the West are so conditioned to doing things on our agenda. Being linear and masculine orientated in doing. Go here, then here, then here. You don’t see the Balinese move like this. They graciously move from A to B, having all the time in the world, for impromptu conversations, connections, basically enjoying life.
Westerners – we’re in a hurry to get to where we’re going. Our life is predominately in our future existence. We are rarely ever here. Bali will teach you to slow down, to enjoy each moment to moment. If you don’t listen, you’ll receive a lesson that will slow you down. A late driver, a flat tyre, an accident, slow service – and a million more examples than I can think of.
This has been one of my biggest lessons (haha another one). I continue to say to my Mum. “It is SO different living here!”
I’ve had to learn how to trust life more than I ever have before! I’m the kind of person who budgets, always has enough, puts money aside each week for bills, expenses, holidays, savings etc…
Since living here, all those have been exhausted and any sort of safety net I’d always have, has evaporated. I’ve had to make decisions to commit to things before I’ve had the money to do so, and needed to trust that the money will come.
I moved into my current home in that manner, I committed to my last visa run the same way. It’s like having one foot in the tangible, and one foot in the non tangible.
Abraham (Esther Hicks), calls it aligning to your vortex. Not getting distracted by your here and now reality of what current exists, but focusing on that which you want to manifest and fully knowing in it’s coming into form, irrespective of desired timeline. It’s a learnt skill I tell you. One I’d like to think I’m getting better and better at. It has been a challenge to trust where my money will come from to pay my upcoming visa extension, rent, bike rental, food, but somehow the money comes, maybe not on time, maybe I have to ask a friend, maybe Mum gives me money. It’s not always a comfortable situation, but it is rich with lessons in receiving, in learning to be vulnerable, learning to trust, and showing up at the drop of a hat when need be.
Lessons are a constant, rarely is there a pause in something that needs to be learnt and transformed. If you don’t get the message, it will repeat until you do. Bali will work with your built-in programming to give it to you in a way that you’re accustomed. If you’re used to dealing with things in the physical; a cold, flu, virus, Bali Belly – be sure you’ll find yourself with one of these.
If you’re used to repeating patterns in your daily experience; lovers who aren’t emotionally available, money problems, transport problems, terrible neighbors, you’ll receive the same experiences as if stuck in ground hog day.
If you’re adapt at emotional release, transforming your thoughts – be sure you’ll flow with Bali, and shift lifetimes of patterns in your short or long stay here.
When it’s time to leave, you’ll know it. You’ll hear/feel the call to go somewhere else, and you’ll have no choice but to take action. I haven’t yet experienced this, but I’ve witnessed it time and time again. One of my dear sistas has just heard her call. She’s been here for 9 months, and about 2 weeks ago felt strongly it was time to return to her home soil. She’s booked her ticket, handed in her resignation and is now putting the call out to rent her home and find a carer for her animals. She knows she’ll be back. But for now, it’s time to go.
It’s a funny one this life in Bali. We are and will always be visitors to this island. The longer we stay, no change does it make to our status. We are still simply visitors. We can learn the language, learn the culture and its beautiful customs, but it will not change anything. We can commit to being here, as I choose to nearly 3 months ago, get a dog, make it our home, but at the end of the day, when Bali says it’s time, it’s time.
I am in constant awe and gratitude for being here in this magical place. Not a day passes that I don’t think “OMG I’m in Bali!” As I ride my scooter from A to B, witnessing the beautiful land people (as I have nick named them). The dark skinned locals who work in the fields next to my home. Their earth grabbing wide feet, mud to their knees, carrying epic 40kg plus sacks of grass to their home, their cows. Their toothless smiles and acknowledgement to my tourist Indonesian greetings – “Pagi”,
“Yeah yeah” they reply.
The chanting of Gatri Mantra each 6am, 12pm, 6pm. The smell of incense and offerings on the ground in front of each compound in my gang. The pack of Bali Dogs hunting for any form of food they can find. It is all wildly magical, beautiful, raw and real. I just adore Bali. What a gift!
2017 is here, 2016 fades, and I’m learning to find my words again.
For me, 2016 still lingers, like a bad smell that won’t quit. A reminder of the epic lessons thrown at me. The relentless pummeling, like being dumped in a massive surf break that appears as endless as an Australian Summer.
Last year was a massive year of endings, lessons, transformations, challenges & every other color in between that. I was forced to let go of anything and everything I knew to be true, AND, any form of external safety or security I had created.
I found myself living in Bali for the full duration, with a brief trip to Australia for a visa run. Other than that, it was life in a Silent Retreat for 8.5 months, followed by life in Ubud, Bali.
In hindsight now, I can see that I simply needed to make the decision to be here, rather than leave decisions to the wind and magically hope that Bali would simply provide everything I could need. But hindsights are always that aren’t they, seeing life clearly once you’ve been on the rollercoaster ride of life adventure.
It was scary being here. Scary in the not knowing, it still is. Of surrendering to the fact that we are not control. I struggle with this dance. Of choosing a direction and trusting that I will be supported in it. I think I am still holding the scars from the last time I trusted this process. Leaving Australia for Canada, and then leaving Canada for New Zealand. I’m smart ya know – I do understand that life is about experiences – adventure. Successes and Failures. But today I acknowledge *yet again* the pain of hurt in my heart from something that ended so abruptly.
So I struggle to choose something and trust. Hence the non choosing of my life here in Bali. To just wander and drift and hope that life would show up for me. And it has, I have constantly been provided for. Amazing friends & family who have provided accommodation, food & listening loving ears whenever I have needed.
But this way of living has invited a sense of hopelessness, a mistrust within myself that I didn’t hold the power to make anything happen, that I was at the complete mercy of life to carry me where I needed to go. Even today I still feel like this. Just having finished a conversation with a new friend in a coffee shop, I still feel powerless to life.
I know no one knows where they are going, but I for one feel like I’m leading the party on the mission to no where. Sometimes I feel like I have it right, and everyone else has it wrong. Because we aren’t going anywhere, we are only here. Right here, right now. In fact to think we are going anywhere else but here is laughable!
“Want to make god laugh? Tell him your plans.”
But my lesson of the year, is one of trust & co-creation. Of working with the law of attraction to make the desirable occur. I want a home. I have to choose a home. Sounds basic right? Yes. But I’ve lacked the fundamental self belief that I am worthy of anything, so therefore chose to not choose anything. And because I chose nothing, then nothing showed up, despite me wanting stuff. I was in-congruent with my core belief – “I’m not worthy.” So keep attracting more of not being worthy. Ouch!
I’m on the final straight of this doozy of a lesson. I am SO done with believing I am not enough, it serves NO ONE!
Yes – I have chosen that I want a home & am actively searching. It is taking it’s sweet time for sure, but I’m putting it down to the right one making it’s way to me. I am receiving messages that this lesson is near completion, that I have done the work, and that now it’s about letting go and allowing the final completion to occur with gratitude for all it’s wonder and juiciness.
I gave thanks to my dear Sista – Samaya last night, she has opened up her home to me & has made me feel nothing but welcome. I said to her, if this is the final hurrah of this lesson, I’ve been given such a wonderful opportunity by sharing such quality time with her.
Forgive my writing, but I’m still finding my writing pants – I think I have lost them from the constant bed hopping that I’ve been participating in. Writing feels like I am swimming in an alphabet stew and cannot connect the correct letters, let alone words, to put together. I used to find writing & blogging so easy – but currently it’s like trying to swim to the surface after being pummeled by those said waves in the beginning.
This is an Osho card reading I gave myself last night. Depicting the situation at hand.
1 – The Issue – Consciousness
2 – What I’m present to internally – Innocence
3 – What needs to happen externally – Letting Go
4 – What is currently happening – Transformation
5 – The Outcome – Completion
3 of these cards being Major Arcana Cards – representing BIG lessons at play.
I am SO riled up with frustration today – today’s topic – how will I make a difference in today’s world?
Yesterday I spent time with a dear friend & he is never shy to question my motives and intentions behind my drive for life.
It’s always wonderful to have someone pushing me forward and ensuring I’m aligning myself with my highest good, but what if it feels like absolutely nothing I’m doing is working or moving forward?
I really feel like this right now!
I feel so on my own. Usually a day is inspired by divine conversations, interactions that can guide me towards something, a creative task to fruition, but these past few weeks. I feel like I’m floating in the ethos of nothingness. What the fuck am I doing?
My past few blog posts have mirrored this topic. What the fuck is Heidi doing? I have a million tools and good intentions for the whole, but feel like I’ve no fucking idea what I’m doing, add to this my stress about my money situation. So which comes first? Focus on the things that will bring money in, or keep doing what I love – it feels like the dilemma of the era – with all the bright shinny things ‘out there’ – it’s so easy to be distracted by ‘what’s here’.
I can’t play the pretend game – pretending I have it all together – that I’m some wonderful successful online coach with clients lining up to work with me, earning 6/7 figures each month – it all seems so shallow & empty. Give me the truth god dammit! I need to be honest, I need to spill the beans and call a spade a spade. Who really knows what is going on here? I certainly don’t. I wish I had a small inkling of an idea. What this thing called life is all about. Even writing these words, having this word dump doesn’t feel like the right thing to share on my blog. Aren’t I meant to have it all together?
If I carry the title of Coach, Counselor & PT, aren’t I meant to know what’s going on? Perhaps this is something I’ve put on myself… that I should have it all together. I feel the further I go along this journey, the less idea I actually have. Walls & beliefs get knocked down, disassembled, blasted to smithereens. What is left is a field of peace, wonder, possibility which anything can be built upon. I tell you this field is amazing, but you wouldn’t believe unless you experienced it for your very own self.
I joined an online Affiliate Marketing gig because it truly felt like a piece of the puzzle, the tools, systems and the how – the how behind getting Be Your Own Guru online & moving – whatever that means.
Yet I watch the Facebook posts & messages stream along on FB Messenger (from said Marketing peeps) – they are rich with questions and banter about all the detail needed to understand the nuts and bolts behind the scenes of building an online business. How to derive followers, likers, leads etc.. The purpose of these equal sales and therefore money. Winning right?! Yes we need money – god knows we do – have a look at my bank account.
However in the next moment, I stumble upon a video of my Mentor – Paul Chek, talking about how the Earths Top Soil is akin to our own Digestive Systems. I get this so strongly – as within, so without. I witness the mass pollution accruing on this planet and understand that it is a direct result of each individual on this planet and our connection with our inner selves.
Online business details vs the reality of the Planet – my dilemma – the questions & feelings of frustration arise – What can I do? I experience deep frustration on a daily basis for not being able to DO ENOUGH! HOW! What can I do? Seriously – show me the fucking way! I have a greater awareness of what is going on here & I don’t know what to do with that information! Rgggghhh!
Meanwhile billions of people the world across are absolutely clueless to the impact they are creating, let alone what their neighbors are up too. How can we be in such a mess? It really breaks my heart, I cry & feel the pain of the world in my heart. How can my knowledge help the whole? How can I help the cause?
I just don’t know what to do. Even typing these words while I sit in a Café in Ubud drinking my coffee feels super privileged and hardly a step in the right direction. Though I know that I need to acknowledge my fire, I need to express my frustrations. Whether my words are read, whether they disappear into the abyss of yet another blog post online, what matters is that I wrote them. That I acknowledged my deep frustration with the state of the planet and the fact that I am SO ready to make difference.
I dance in periods of listening to my favorite artist Nahko Bear. When I’ve had time away from him, and return – his voice and message awakens my soul again – it resonates so deeply and for that moment in time I feel heard – I feel ok. His music reminds me that I’m not the only one. You see – I feel like I’m on my own here. Am I?
Are you reading these words?
Are you with me?
Do you care?
Can you see what is happening?
Do you know that the world needs you?
Are you aware of your daily actions and how they affect the world. Your trash, your purpose, your words, your energy, your ability to be in integrity with yourself. Speak your truth, be honest, be vulnerable. Do you understand how MUCH you contribute to this world? You are a part of everything – not separate at all.
You see this is what is needed first and foremost. We can’t change anything out there – without changing what is going on – in here <3.
This is what it comes back to, Being Your own Guru, if you are the creator of your life, taking responsibility for your words, actions, energy, moment to moment, we make the best choices for the planet.
Our food sources, the soil in which it was grown, our friends and neighbors and how much love and compassion we offer them. Everyone is fighting their own battles and they cannot be won on our own. We need to band together and offer support… But it starts with you – right now – looking at yourself.
If you’re ready to embark on the Guru’s journey, let’s do things OUR way… Let’s get our voices out loud and strong in integrity with our spirit and purpose. Let’s make a difference. I will walk with you, guiding you & offering support each step of the way. Join me in a personal capacity by messaging me, or join me professionally by following this link.
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