It’s kinda tough to illustrate 1 year in just a few words or images, but this month, it’s been 1 year that I’ve been back on home soil.
I can’t quite believe it.
1 year ago I landed all bright eyed and optimistic of what was to come being back in the West and in New Zealand.
Well, it’s been a doozy!
I made beautiful friends, fell in love, enjoyed my first season snowboarding (bucket list tick). Gotten clear on what I intend to create for my next lifes chapter. I found a deeper home within.
On the flip side; friends have gone, old ways died and dissolved, hearts broken, unknowns expanded, a whole new way being birthed.
It’s tough to paint in words the internal shifts and changes that have taken place – as I’m the only one who can see there.
But I just wanted to bookmark this moment. Acknowledge 1 year in New Zealand. My first year back after 18 away.
I know I’m at the beginning of some great new beginnings, I can feel it. Maybe it’s Spring? Maybe it’s the stars? I know it’s everything. Everything I’ve done, grown, shifted, transformed. It’s all coming together.
Since moving into my new digs, I am beginning to feel a special kind of calm, a peace, a super deep appreciation for all things in my world.
Sure, I’m witnessing my ego jump ahead 6 months and want to be somewhere it’s not, *rascally ego*, but I’m in a great position to just observe it, rein it in, and give thanks for exactly where I am. And there is no place that I’d rather be right now.
I spent the last 6 months, wanting to be exactly where I am, that I’m going to enjoy it! I’m going to dance in it, relish it and enjoy the fuck out of it, AND I’m also already planting the seeds now for the future creation to come into fruition for the next 6 months! This is the way life goes.
I feel like I’m reflecting on some deep thoughts, taking stock and preparing for an epic period to come. Ways of being have been unraveled, and re-configured. It’s like an upgrade has occurred and is integrating. How life used to be done, cannot be done that way, that ship has sailed. It’s like your latest version of Windows (clearly I’m still a PC user), operating on an old computer – there’s no way it could – everything constantly needs an upgrade, not just technology – us also.
I sit in such a space of contentment right now, I find myself sighing happy blissful sighs. Sighs of just being here. Nowhere else. Not desiring anything to be different, but merely having so much appreciation for everything that is. A very new space to be in, as we have been so programmed to be happy when we have xyz, when all our ducks are in a row.
Sure I could still say, I want xyz, and if I speak in Abraham speak – xyz already exists, it is in my vortex and is already making its’ way to me. I simply need to stay aligned to it, removing any resistance to it & it will arrive at a time that is not up to me. Knowing this, feeling into my essence gives me a sense of peace that is constantly available to me, that is, until I forget again. Which I’m sure I will.
So for me right now – it’s a dance between sighing happy moment sighs, and aligning to what I am drawing into my physical reality and not focusing on what has not yet showed up, which is what we humans often tend to do, focus on the not having. I know this has been my modus operandum for some time. Wondering why I have been well equipt with everything I could possibility need, yet having a mentality of lack, re-playing that record over and over again. I’m done with that programming. Did you hear me. Done. Finished. Fineto!
Yes, so after this eclipse, this full moon, this menstrual cycle I will have purged, cleansed and released all that is so done in my world. I am making my way to the end of this very amazing cycle. I have this theory about life in Bali. That every Visa cycle represents particular lessons, and that when you leave Bali for a new Visa, holiday or whatever reason you leave Bali for, you return with a whole NEW beginning and a blank canvas right in front of you for the duration of that Visa. Yes – it is an exciting time indeed.
It’s now been 6 nights and about 2 hours since I moved into my new home, and let me tell you – life feels so very different on the other side.
The last time I was able to unpack my bags without an agenda to move anywhere would have been Victoria, Canada. I don’t include the Silent Retreat as that was Ashram style living and frankly – who wants to consider living there long term?
I’ve landed safely with both feet, as my new home includes everything. I have a bathroom – hot & cold water, a kitchen – including gas cooker AND fridge, a bed, a garden AND a pool! Jackpot!
These might seem like very simple things to give appreciation for, but when you’ve been bed & house hopping for the past year, it changes one’s perspective A LOT!
For the last 5 mornings I’ve cooked breakfast at home. The satisfaction that this small little task offers is in-explainable. Having to pop out to cafes to eat first thing in the morning can feel relentless after a while. Don’t get me wrong – the food and coffee here are wonderful and I am so very grateful to have had the abundance to do this. But this chicken is ready for a rest and to focus my energy constructively elsewhere. Not on where I’m going to eat today. Big shift.
At the same time, a little rescue Bali Dog affectionately named Molly has shown up in my life. She’s a little doll of a puppy, if a puppy can be called that? She’s a special little being that has been brought back from the brink of near extinction and has won our hearts. So for now she is living with me. A house and a dog in one week, a partner on his way.
Yup life. It feels possible again. Today when asked how I’m doing, my reply – good. Full stop. No stories, no explorations or reflections. Just good. Great in fact.
With the world in upheaval the way it is, to feel good is GREAT!
My inner world is where it’s at. It is all there is. From my inner world I am creating my external. Amazing things are beginning to make their way to me at a rapid rate. I am merely preparing to receive them right now. I’m resting when I need to & enjoying this massive clearing rain Bali has been receiving for FOUR days straight now. FOUR DAYS OF RAIN!
So this little blog is just a little ditty of gratitude. No massive reflections, no deep diving. A reminder that simplicity and gratitude for such is where I’m at. I couldn’t be happier in this moment, well I can think of one – but that’s for between my ears only 😉
I don’t like to tell you, the reader, how to live your life.
Do this, or do that, and you will get xyz.
There are enough ‘GURUs’ and blog sites out there, that will tell you your ‘5 Steps to your dream life’ or ’10 steps to a healthier you’.
Your task, if you choose to accept, is to find your own personal key, so that you can connect to your internal life manual and;
PERSONALLY ANSWER EVERY QUESTION YOU HAVE EVER ASKED!
Back in the day, I operated my life – pretty disconnected from my body, which is kinda funny considering I was worked as a Personal Trainer.
I was head down, bum up, and heading full speed in which ever direction I was facing.
I got shit done, but there was not a lot of balance within the rest of my life.
I thought I was in control, but turns out, I controlled my external life, as a means to feel in control, of an internal world that I was totally out of control with.
My thoughts about myself and food were my main two culprits.
– How I felt about myself.
– How I felt about myself when I ate.
As these thoughts were always forefront, there was often not much room for anything else.
These thoughts drove my life. How I felt about myself, dictated the amount of exercise I’d do. How I’d eat, dictated how I felt about myself, and how I controlled or binged. If I binged, then I had to balance that activity out with more exercise, and so, I was trapped in this cycle that was relentless.
At the time, I thought this was completely normal. I fit into the Personal Trainer mold, who cared overtly about what she ate, and how she exercised. I even competed in a Womens Body Building Competition which was the perfect hideout for all of my inner demons to work their magic. I found preparing for the competition easy in a sense, as I operated from my mind and my behaviors, I wasn’t at all connected to how I actually felt about things.
The relentless exercising and strict eating = I didn’t feel it.
Who I was being in relation to my partner = no idea.
When I injured my shoulder = barely skipped a beat.
Though I’ve noticed this way of being, this type of behavior, has come to be modus operandom or ‘normal’ for a great many people today.
Whether it is a body building competition, or copying the habits of your latest Instagram fitness Guru/s, we live in a world where we have become SO focused on our external environments as a means to making us feel good!
But underneath it all. The thoughts, food & rigorous exercising, what is really going on?
Often at the core, there is a the lonely, sad, deep need of ours for love and acknowledgement.
It might look different, or slightly similar per individual.
This is the part that drives us. That drives our need to eat a certain way, to follow a particular exercise trend.
We believe that if we look a certain way, then we’ll be accepted, and we will be loved. Well, this was my story – the one that was my pilot to my vehicle.
This pilot (inner self), within our vehicle, (body), is what is driving our habits and ways of living.
What we want in life, is dictated by this inner self.
After my competition, I had worked SO hard towards that goal, that slowly as the weeks unfolded, I lost focus. Of course I was still attentive to my physic, however I no longer had that finish line to strive for.
I slowly kept up with my training, but something deep within me was stirring.
It sat deep within my belly, I put it down to the amount of bread & junk food I was now giving myself permission to consume post competition. I continued on with my workouts and 80:20 strict eating
A heaviness was growing within me.
Back then I was oblivious to my inner world, and so the ‘strength’ I knew, was to keep pushing through.
I pushed with my workouts. I pushed with my work. I pushed with current clients. I pushed hard in every area of my life.
One by one, my clients began to let go of my services.
My income started to dwindle.
No matter how I tried to conjure up more sessions, it seemed nothing was working for me.
My business partner called a meeting to invite my separation from co-ownership, as she was witnessing my struggle.
I was putting on weight from my increased binges & lack of drive to balance it with intense exercise.
My motivation started waning.
My external world was crumbing and falling apart as I knew it.
And I too was falling apart on the inside, like the World Trade Centre.
I had no idea what was happening to me.
My self esteem was deflating.
I was lost and suffering.
It was somewhere around here, that I begun to regularly meditate.
I had meditated previously, but didn’t have what you would call a regular practice.
Step by step, I began to connect in with my inner world. My inner self. My pilot.
She was like a long lost part of me that I had cast aside in a cupboard and thrown away the key.
One can imagine how someone who had been in a cupboard may feel.
She had created the breaking down of my external environment to get my attention to come within to myself.
I now needed to build my relationship with her, and re-create a life that included her in it, not separate to.
My story continues on and on from here…
“A life lived in disconnection from our inner selves, is one that does not include our whole essence. Is one that misses a deep resonance with life & its meaning. To live and not feel our darkest lows and our highest highs escapes the wonder and magnificence that is being human. Being out of alignment with our inner world, skips wonderous magic that curves the tapestry of our lives… A life without moments of being, is not a life lived at all. To miss the magic that is our essence, and arrive at the end, is a very very unfortunate realization to wake up too.
I invite the wonder in you, to rise up and challenge the wonder in all of humanity. Give space to your truth, dive deep, and hold still the rich vastness that is you. Breathe in your magic and unlock the gates of mystery. Peace & Love are within us all. The time is now to rise and uprise”.
There are literally THOUSANDS of Meditations on the internet at this wonderful time in our lives. Why not head over to YouTube and search for one you like. As a suggestion, try an Inner Child meditation, to support in your connection with him or her. Here’s a few by one of my favorites, Louise Hay to get you started.
Should you need support in working with your connection to your Inner Child, and anything that arises, please feel free to reach out to me.
I am currently available for One on One sessions.
Here is your third and final installment to this small blog series.
Its now been about a week or so that you’ve been practicing your new mantra, and observing the changes in your thoughts and your breathing.
I bet your whole world is beginning to open up. You’re seeing new opportunities, feeling new experiences, witnessing synchronicity that you may have previously missed. I LOVE synchronicity!
A shift has occurred and there is new possibility available to you right now!
What a wonderful new space to be in!
Embrace this. It is time to give yourself a pat on the back for the work that you committed too.
As human beings, we’re to quick onto our next project, thought or shiny goal to chase.
Before you head off and start chasing that, I invite you to really embrace this new space that you have moved into.
Its time to celebrate!
Set aside some time for yourself. I’d recommend at least 30 minutes.
Close your eyes.
Tune into all the wonder that you are witness to within your body.
The feelings, experiences, new ideas.
Feel these sensations within your body.
Observe where you feel it & continue to focus your attention on this space within.
Without agenda, continue to watch what happens within your body.
Give yourself as much time as you need here, until your eyes naturally open & there is a sense of completeness.
Now, write or draw your observations of this reflective experience.
To extend this experience further, share this piece with a close friend, partner or loved one.
Give yourself permission to relish in your transformation.
To really seal this change & honor this transition, choose something that you love & book this event into your diary.
I personally love to receive massages, buy flowers for the home, take myself out for breakfast or lunch, buy a delicious nutritious food item for my smoothie or raw treats, or give myself an afternoon to play in nature.
Whatever you choose, make it something that continues to make your heart sing.
I am SO proud of you courageous one!
I would LOVE to hear about your experience and how you chose to celebrate your transformation in the comments.
As this blog names suggests, I wanted to share a story about what saying YES to your goals + dreams really means, share the process and the fears that can potentially pop up when we step up to say YES to the life we want.
Here we go;
I had a great lesson recently. It is regarding abundance, manifestations & desires. I received the opportunity to fly to Canada for 1 week, with 1 weeks notice.
My initial reaction was = CRAZY!! But this is my life. Crazy and spontaneous is exactly the way I like it, so I’d asked for this!
Neil (a previous romance, who I wasn’t over, who pulled on my heart strings like crazy, who lived in Canada) said to me; “if you can find a return flight to Canada for 2K, I’ll fly you over for my 30th birthday!”
“Deal.” was my response.
I called my travel agent Lucy, at Flight Centre straight away, to tell her my story. Straight away she was online checking flights. She found one with China Air for $2100.
“Do you want me to book it?
“Um, let me check with Neil first”. I wanted to confirm he was really THAT serious, as his request was only via Viber.
“Ok, let me see if I can hold it for you. Yep, I can only hold it until tomorrow 5pm. Will you confirm with me tomorrow, if you want to go ahead? How exciting!” Lucy replied.
Neil had gone to bed on his side of the world, so I had to wait patiently until the next morning to call him.
Me to Neil. “Are you serious about me coming over, because I found a flight!”
“Yeah, what do you think, do you want too?”
So now that that’s clear, I need to arrange the details. Work, Flights etc…
I ring Jess (my Manager at work), to explain my story and request my leave, to leave in ONE WEEK. Keep in mind here, that at work we were very tightly staffed AND a colleague was already granted leave for 3 weeks during this time! What was my possibility going to be? “So um, you know how I’m going to Canada for my working holiday next year, well Neil, this guy I love, well, he wants to fly me over for his birthday, like next week, and, well, can I take time off work in like a weeks time?”
“Wow! Absolutely, we can make that happen. We’ll just look at the rosters and see what we can do!”
Ok cool, so the work thing is now sorted. Now to call Lucy and confirm my ticket. I thought I’d ask Lucy about changing the dates a little, because in my haste to search dates, I hadn’t really looked at my work schedule, I was more concerned with finding a 2K flight. She checked out some alternatives, but discovered that overnight, all flights had gone UP an extra $1500!! Not mine, because it had been held & secured. Talk about bloody luck!
I confirm with Lucy that this was going ahead and Neil is paying. After hanging up, I follow her email prompts to pay using his Credit Card. Because I was using his Canadian Credit Card, the Australian payment page was giving me a declined message. His card wouldn’t work in Australia. I call Lucy back, she suggested he could pay via BPAY. She gives me the codes, and I contact Neil and ask him to give this way a go.
On the phone with Lucy again, two further suggestions.
Over the phone & bank transfer.
As I am about to give Lucy Neils’ CC digits, I felt prompted to ask her; “I’m ok to travel aren’t I? My passport is valid until November this year, I’m still good right?”
“Noooooo” she replies. “You can’t travel with less than 6 months validity on your passport!”
“Whatdyamean, I can’t fly with less than 6 months validity, what’s the purpose of an expiration date on a passport, if you can’t fly up until it expires?”
“I’m not 100% sure why, but I know you can’t travel. Maybe call the embassy and double check. You can order an emergency passport”.
This is the point where I begin to ask myself;
– should I really be going
– why don’t I just wait until I go properly next year
– I’ll have more time to arrange my passport
– probably wasn’t meant to happen anyway
– I’m not paying for an emergency passport
– what a crazy idea – it was fun to think about & explore…
This is where my fear, rears its doubt & fearful reasoning…
This is the main crux of my story. That point, or threshold where we’re likely SO familiar.
The ego mind that is telling us that our dreams were just that. A dream. A nice idea and a fictional reality to indulge in.
Where we tell ourselves – ‘I could never do that – that’s crazy!’
That point of reasoning where we back down from that very thing that we want, when it’s almost within reach, when moving forward means stepping up into potential discomfort and GROWTH and OWNING what we want.
That’s right OWNING your dreams.
THE TURNING POINT
I call Neil, feeling a little defeated, like something has just died inside me. I explain to him about my passport & how I couldn’t travel. Here’s what he said.
“Just get a new one.”
Unattached to my story, my emotion, my thoughts. ‘Just get a new one!’
My story spills out of my mouth; “blah blah blah money, time, passport, how, money blah blah blah” (you get my jist, you heard it all above.)
“Don’t worry about it baby. I’ll pay for it. Call the travel agent, book the ticket, apply for a new passport, get your bum here, it’ll be fine.”
I hop off the phone, feeling like I’ve been pushed to my edges. My story has been blasted to smithereens and I’ve now got no excuse in the book, to stop me from going to Canada in 6 days time. 6 days! A passport in 6 days!
I call the embassy. They spell out the steps required to order an emergency passport in simple black & white. Simple. It’s actually really simple. Today is Wednesday. I calculate that I can head into the city Thursday afternoon to order my passport, pick it up Tuesday afternoon, then fly to Canada Wednesday. I’m not leaving the courier to chance. No way – I’m picking this puppy up myself!
PAYING FOR THE FLIGHT
It’s now 12:30pm, and I start work at 1pm. I have 30 mintues to drive to work & 4.5hrs to pay for my ticket. Should be easy.
I’m on the phone to Lucy again. This time we’re trying Neil’s Credit Card payment over the phone.
My ego speaks up again;
– maybe you’re not meant to be going
– if we pull out now, we’ll be safe, you won’t have to stress about an emergency passport. Shhhhhhh I tell it.
Lucy asks me if I can pay. Sadly that isn’t an option at the moment. I ask her about the bank transfer option she’d mentioned previously. Her Manager had removed pulled this off the table, saying the funds wouldn’t clear fast enough from Canada in time to pay for the ticket.
My options were out!
I’ve now left for work, driving, trying to figure out what I can do. Who can I borrow $2000 from? Who asks people for this kind of money?? How bad do I want to go to Canada for my dears birthday? I wanna go. Bad!
A name appears in my minds eye. Jules.
Jules: noun Your nearest and dearest bestie. Your nearest and dearest bestie who has just had a baby. Your nearest and dearest bestie who has just had a baby and has a 3 year old toddler. Your nearest and dearest bestie who has just had a baby, has a 3 year told toddler, and has just purchased her first family home with her partner.
Could I really be so cheeky to ask her to borrow this money? But it’s just until funds clear from Canada. But I still have to ask the question. It’s NEVER comfortable asking anybody for money. Coffee money. Lunch money. Let alone a $2000 ticket to Canada!
I have Eddie Murphys impression of Bill Cosby playing in my head. “Neeeed the money, to buy the ticKET! Get the money, to get the ticKET!” I call Jules, and I tell her my story, I ask if she can lend me the money to buy the ticKET. (without the Bill Cosby impersonation). I can tell that she wants to help me, but know it’s a loaded question. This is confirmed because she needs to speak to her partner, to get the all clear.
10 MINUTES PASS
I’ve arrived at my destination, and I’m walking from my car into work. Jules has called back. She’s spoken with her partner, and they’ve agreed they will help me, but need to know that the money is going to make it’s way straight back to them.
I feel my Solar Plexus.
I get this.
It’s a lot of money to request, give, and trust for anyone. Let alone a new family with 2 kids and a brand new mortgage.
I’m at work now.
I ask Jules if she would kindly call Lucy for me. Not having explained to Lucy what has actually happened in the past 30 minutes.
5 minutes later a text comes through from Jules.
YOU’RE GOING TO CANADA!!
The rest of the story falls into place from here. I got my passport easy. I got my shifts covered easy. Everybody at work said YES to covering me. Another dear friend even volunteered to swap her shifts at work so she could drive me to the airport! Easy. Everything was EASY! I said YES.
The universe said YES.
In summary, the point of my story sharing, is to illustrate that crucial crux point. That sticky threshold between choosing to stay where we are, or choosing to step up into something new.
Do you really want your dreams and desires in life, stepping up to the call and taking action?
Do you just keep doing what you’ve always done, continuing to achieve the same outcome?
I’ve shared this story with a few friends, and their response has been one of awe & inspiration! I hope by sharing it here with you, it will inspire you to notice your sticky points, step up to OWN your dreams and desires also.
They are your god-given (or spirit, universe, soul….) birthright. They are available to you right NOW!