the story from today…

It feels a super long time since I wrote and shared my personal story, and there is an extremely good reason for it.  Like everything, I put it down to timing, and when I write, it has to feel right, there needs to be a flow.  I don’t share for the sake of sharing. Like nature and her cycles, there’s a time for introspection and learning, and there’s a time for expansion and blossoming.

Though these past few weeks, I have been feeling my pull.  Last night I started writing in my head, this morning, this is what flowed.  It feels good to remerged.

It’s taken a long time to ground in Queenstown.  Part of me wonders if we’re meant to in the intense energies here.  The dance of the mountain peaks & the deep dark depths of Lake Wakatipu, invite a spinning vortex of highs and insightful lows.

I wanted to physically move since Amanda moved out.  Knowing that my home environment wouldn’t be the same.  But the energies guided me to stay in that Fernhill home, and I’m grateful that they did.

Life became emotionally tough from then on.  I was invited into new shadows within myself.  I became so deeply trigger by my love for another, I withdrew from social gatherings and social media, I dove into my discomforts to uncover what lay beneath.

What I found was stuff I already knew, but like the continual layers of an onion, there was more.

I felt the pain of what drove me from New Zealand, my country of birth.  The running I’d done, magically masked as travelling & adventure.  Ultimately I was running from my hurt within, which when mirrored in the one I loved, showed up like a kick in the face as I ate his dust when he ran.

All of the ‘I’m not good enough / I’m not worthy’ pain.   All the feels from my excruciating teenage years of self loathing.  At one time during that winter – there was so much anxiety within, the mountain became my only home and place of comfort.

At the same time, my love for this person wouldn’t quit.  I’ve become Queen of detaching from non serving relationships.  Moving on once the lessons have been learnt and accepting the seasonal nature of our meeting.  But this soul.  He stuck in the forefront of my mind and literally drove me insane!  I could not detach!  What the fuck was this?  How come I can’t let go and move on?

I visited Dion, a local Maori healer to receive support and cut cords that were attached.  This brought up uncomfortable feels, but days later, no cigar.  He was STILL present!  A few weeks later, I was blessed to receive a distance healing from one of Dion’s students.  The breakup theme presented, aspects got cleared, but still remained.  I could NOT understand why I could not let go.

I decided to try a ‘radical’ approach, and accept his constant presence on my brain.  I went all in, and started a journal as if writing to him, all thoughts and experiences I was having.  We weren’t in contact at all, I had also restricted my connection to his social media to honour and give myself the space I needed to heal.

My words and the acceptance of what was, helped bring some ease, but didn’t make the connection lessen.

Through this time my housemate was unconditional with my sharings.  She would listen to me share the craziness at which I felt.  Why can I not simply turn this off?  Why are my feelings magnified?  All the triggers and emotional purging that was relentless!

This time of emotional healing and reflection, I somehow stumbled on a Woman on YouTube, Queen of Light 1111, who shares tarot readings on Divine Feminine & Divine Masculine, otherwise know as – Twin Flame connections.  I’d heard about Twin Flames during my Nature Care days, but thought them to be as elusive as a Unicorn.

QOL’s readings because a light in my dark tunnel as she put words to the energies, emotional purging and absolute craziness I was feeling.  I began looking into the whole twin thing more and more.  Watching videos and reading articles that best shared the extent of this connection.

I still doubted that this was a thing.  Still leaning towards the fact that I was crazy and there was something wrong with me for not being able to let go.

Videos suggested I could ask for confirmation if this was a Twin Flame connection, and have the universe respond to my request.  I received various universal confirmations of this, which felt so double edged.  Gratitude for such knowing, polarized with self doubt and judgement at my one sided relationship with such a being.

During this time I had this Cannabis Oil experience which I wrote about here.  This blew my mind out of the water, and solidified everything!

I almost expected him to walk into my house that night for the strength of what I came to realize!

The dance continued, its peaks and troughs.  But knowing meant nothing.  I couldn’t talk to him about this.  It didn’t feel right.  At all.  I had to trust the timing of that.

One emotional day, I found myself in complete surrender.  Purging, crying, releasing pain of the excruciating connection and knowing.  I cried for lifetimes the hardness of it all.  I was a pile of mush on my bed.  Unable to move.  I didn’t know what was next, other than to sink into that dark hole.  I lay on my bed motionless.  Then my phone rang.  It was him.

We hadn’t spoken in a long time, and not only that, he wasn’t even in the country.  He was calling me from the top of a remote island!  WTF!

When I surrender to my greatest ability, he’s there almost without fail.  To call, or text to tap back in.  It feels as if there is zero escape.

Sometimes I feel peace, sometimes I feel doubt and despair.  Sometimes I wonder if what I’m even feeling is my own.

Thoughts of him evolved into feeling him.  He is now a constant presence within my being.  I now know him as me.  But I am learning to navigate the complexity of thoughts, energy and feelings now.  Lately I awake from sleep and feel a theme to process, but there is zero emotion attached, and I know I’ve already moved through it.  It almost feels like a repeat.  I wonder if that is him communicating with me and seeking support to move through it?  This interaction is new.

Lately I feel when he is thinking about me and the speed at which he moves through something he’s processing.  If we’ve not spoken recently, I can feel the energy build of when he’s going to reach out to connect.

At times I still doubt the intensity of this connection, as we’ve not solidified it in the physical.  In fact, right now I’m working through his latest hurtful words to me.  It’s brutal and totally relentless.  My rational mind says leave.  Get the fuck away from this guy and move on.  And, in the past – hell yeah, I’d be gone.  No one has ever treated me so badly, yet I have loved so goddamn much. 

The lessons I’m learning, are that unconditional love is just that.  UNCONDITIONAL.  His projections of me, are projections of his hurt aspects of self.  And they need love.  Mine and his.  Ours.  Love dissolves our deepest shadows.  Love doesn’t run.  I trigger his shadows, as he does mine.  And we are learning to walk in our shadows with love. 

Somehow I signed up for this.  I signed up for unconditional love.  It doesn’t look like a conventional relationship.  But then we are far from conventional beings.  We are perfect divine mirrors showing each other our truth.  The truth of our hurts and pains, our darkest ugliest hurts.  It’s fucking tough, and relentless as FUCK, and I’m here.  Grounded.  In it.  Navigating the hell out of these stormy seas.  I can’t detach.  I can’t run.  I can’t execute old patterns I know so well.  They don’t work.  I tried.  I have to face the storm head on, like the warrior woman that I am.  And trust, like all waves, it will pass. 

So for now, this is me.  In the high seas of divine orchestration, navigating my return home.

As always, I am here to support.

If you’re interested in exploring this topic more deeply, connect with me;

Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here

Connect with Heidi here

6 Signs You’re Experiencing the Awakening Process

Perhaps you’ve read about the awakening process or are going through it yourself.  The world is shifting and people are awakening to the truth of this life. It can be a scary initiation that is a preparation into your unique life purpose and why you are living this life.  One that has more meaning than that of simply following the society norm of which we have been conditioned to through our up bringing.

To help a little, and normalize what you might be experiencing, I’ve compiled 6 examples to support your surrender and remind you you aren’t alone.

I know when I experienced these, I felt like I was the only person on Earth and didn’t understand what was happening.  Please know you’re not alone as many have gone before you, and are right alongside you right now.  At this time there is an abundance of people available to support you and understand your experience.

6 Signs You’re Experiencing the Awakening Process

  • 1 – Something outside of your control happens;

    Maybe you lost your job?
    A large financial challenge occurs.
    You move homes, or locations.
    You’re going through a divorce or separation with a loved one.
    Someone dear to you passes on.
    A desired outcome was not fulfilled.

    Situations that occur beyond what our Ego has calculated can invite an opportunity for fear to visit.  This is not a bad thing.  Merely a chance to test our resiliency and feel emotions we may not have allowed ourselves to feel by being in our mapped out existence.  When we know what we know, well…  When we don’t know what we don’t know…

  • 2 – Feeling emotional for unknown reasons;

    You experience a spectrum of emotions for unknown (or maybe known) reasons. But you really do not understand WHY you feel this magnified way about this unknown, or known thing, but you do.  You feel like reclusing, hiding, you are unsure how to cope.

    When life happens for us externally, it can activate emotions that are suppressed within our psyche.  Something may have happened during our childhood years, or perhaps past lives, that we weren’t able to process, that now as an adult we have the capacity to.

  • 3 – Feeling alone/misunderstood in usual social situations;

    Going out tonight, you didn’t really feel like going.  But you go because you feel a sense of obligation.  It’s what you ‘should’ do.  The small talk at the outing feels really really hard. You long to simply be at home, or be able to talk about what is really going on in your life, but you feel far to vulnerable to show how you really feel and fear being judged and feeling like ‘that person’.  That person who is struggling with life and doesn’t have it all together.  Because of course we should, right?  (tongue in cheek)

    As our consciousness is shifting and we are awakening to a whole new world of thoughts, feelings, emotions and ways of being in the world, we begin to shift and out grow or existing reality.

  • 4 – Increased sensitivity to usual environments & information

    Watching the News, or reading Newspapers is no longer enjoyable. You don’t like the fear mongering in these stores, they make you feel bad.  You prefer to scroll Social Media for feel good stories, articles and information, watch YouTube Videos and choose to inform yourself on what ‘the people’ are sharing.  There are great things happening in the world too!  You are consciously choosing to feel good, not bad.

    You might be beginning to notice how easy it is to feel bad based on environmental factors.  Media, people, environments, food, bars, clubs, places you used to put your energy into.  You’ll be making conscious choices for what makes you feel good vs bad.

  • 5 – Falling away of current friendships

    You’re feeling like your current circle of friends don’t understand you and what is happening.  You struggle to talk to them and feel really uncomfortable when you try.  When you do, they console you with things like:
    – it’ll pass
    – you’ll be right // you’ll get through this
    – everyone goes through something
    – did you know such and such had xyz happen – you’re lucky compared to them
    It’s not their fault they don’t know how to acknowledge you, but you feel no better, maybe worse and more alone from not feeling heard.

    Yup – this is a tricky, and personal one to navigate.  Ensure you seek support from a practitioner who can acknowledge how you feel.  How you feel IS important and valid and it’s absolutely irrelevant to compare your situation to another person going through the same or different circumstances.  We are all unique and riding our own life waves.

  • 6 – There is discomfort in the life you once felt comfort

    Suddenly, being in large populated areas like shopping malls, supermarkets now aggravates you. The bright lights, artificial food & packaging, screaming children, intense energy, the sense of stress and urgency from over worked faces around you.  Not to mention the stress of getting in and out of the car park!

    Another uncomfortable one, but a great opportunity to acknowledge you and your needs.  There are other options available that don’t have to include going to a busy supermarket or mall.  Lucky now we have home gardens, whole foods stores, weekend markets, organic delivery services, co-ops.  Start doing some research if you haven’t already to connect with local people, create grass roots connections with others around you who are connected to the Earth.  Life isn’t a fast food store, so we shouldn’t live like it.

    Lots of wonderful unfolding lessons will show themselves in time.  This is a magical time where you will see more than you have before.  It may not feel like it at the time, but remember to breathe, seek support and know you are not alone in this.


6 Signs You're Experiencing the Awakening Process
The Awakening Process to Freedom


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